The Urban Hunter: In Search of the Illusive Job Opening

Looking for employment is probably one of the most dehumanizing and demoralizing endeavors ever. The whole employment system is set up to undermine your worth as a laborer and to make you feel like a beggar rather than a prospective company asset. If you are unfamiliar with the modern employment safari (lucky you!), let me direct your attention to a few aspects that really grind my gears…

1. Pre-Employment Drug Screening: Fucking stupid & invasive practice! I understand the necessity in jobs that involve heavy machinery, aviation, medicine, or law enforcement. But a drug test for a McJob? Or a clerical position? WTF? The only users really caught up by the piss test baloney are the pot heads, since nearly everything else is easily flushed out of the system in a matter of days, and who the fuck wants to go to work stoned? Talk about a buzz kill & a waste of ganja! So, employers attempt to judge your merits as a prospective employee by screening for recreational marijuana use, enjoyed on your own time! Bullshit. I am morally opposed to this practice & frankly, I think it reflects badly on a prospective employer.

 

2. Pre-Employment Personality Assessments: This is the biggest waste of time for all those involved. The idea is that by answering a shit-load of multiple choice questions, an employer can determine the degree to which an applicant has certain traits or dispositions. The main problem is that the “right” answers are so obvious, any dipshit can come out smelling like a perfect candidate. Also, the questions allow for no gray areas in ethical dilemmas, so they don’t accurately reflect any real-life experiences the applicant may face. For example, if the question was “Is it acceptable for an employee to be late for work?”, the obvious answer is “No” but the question doesn’t specify the conditions of acceptable tardiness. In my opinion, these assessments are used to determine whether an applicant can mimic company-approved behavior and buy into the idea that the company is doing your ethically-challenged ass a favor for hiring you. Bullshit. Until I get to dole out employer assessments that will filter out all the deadbeats, the idiots, the perverts, the sexist bastards, and the infrequent raise givers… they can shove this crap down someone else's throat. 

 

3. Pre-Employment Credit Check: I can understand the need for an employer to be aware of a person’s financial situation if the job deals with classified government information or sensitive product development shit that might attract corporate espionage. Otherwise, there is no reason for your boss to need this info. Late utilities payments or maxed out credit cards do not indicate a person is unemployable. Their character and work ethic are not reflected in their credit score. If anything, an employer should be presenting their financial statements and personal tax records to their employees. After all, it is their financial situation & ability to cover payroll costs that would be relevant to employment. 

 

4. Requests for Salary History: Employers like to pretend that salary history helps them determine an applicant’s experience level and value as an employee. Really, they use the information to see how cheaply you’ll work for them. Salary should be based on what the job the employer wants done is worth, quite apart from who you are, what you've done, or what you've been paid before. Then, during the interview, the employer can factor in their assessments about how you would contribute to the success of that job. When an applicant is forced to reveal their salary history, they give up any negotiating leverage they may have had.

 

5. Requests for Salary Requirements: This is a trick to weed out the folks that want more money than the company is willing to pay. It is also used to highlight those applicants willing to work for dog-shit wages. Once again, wages and salaries should be determined by the company, based on the position’s importance to the employer. They should not be based on what the employer thinks they can get away with on a case-by-case basis. That allows bosses to pay men & women different wages for the same job, thus keeping us at the same 75 cents to a dollar ratio that our grandmothers were bitching about back in the day. It lets employers set wages based on age (not experience. I’ve been fucked by this many a time), race, perceived cultural background, or any other trait that is completely unrelated to the position in question. I hate that shit.

 

It’s like this, y’all: The more bullshit hoops the employer makes you jump through, the more likely you are to think you suck. You will rationalize accepting a low salary offer. You will internalize the message that the company is doing you a favor, rather than the other way around. You will over-value the position & under-value your labor, which just makes it easier for an employer to do the same. Behavioral psychologists refer to this phenomenon as "cognitive dissonance”.

On that note, I’ll leave you with a few thoughts from people much smarter than myself…

 

“All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.”    --- Aristotle

 

“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him ‘Whose?’ “        --- Don Marquis

 

“Labor is prior to, and independent of, capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if Labor had not first existed. Labor is superior to capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.”    ----- Abraham Lincoln

 

“If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.”      ------ Lane Kirkland

 

“One thing that corporations do not do is give out money out of the goodness of their hearts.”    ------ Molly Ivins

 

“The incognito of lower class employment is an effective cloak for any dagger one might wish to hide. These are those who we do not think of, look at, talk to, yet these are those who have made vast differences and shaped the world, at least their part of it, immensely.”   --- Margaret Cho

Independence Day 2009

Gals like me use this holiday to reflect on our nation’s history and, for one day out of the year, acknowledge the shit that makes us proud to be American. Normally, I am waist deep in criticisms, critiques, and commentary about what we are doing wrong & what we have done wrong in the past. That’s my shtick. It’s also my constitutionally guaranteed right, I might add. But, in commemoration of the Bitch Slap Heard ‘Round the World (you might call it the Declaration of Independence), here’s my

LIST OF AMERICAN ICONS & EVENTS THAT MAKE MY CYNICAL ASS FEEL PATRIOTIC!!

(Against my best judgment)

1. Mother Jones (8/1/1837 – 11/30/1930): She was born Irish, but did wonders for America’s labor movement & was an all-around take-no-shit community organizer in the States, so I claim her as our own. The Senate denounced her as the grandmother of all agitators, to which Jones responded that she wished to live long enough to be the great-grandmother of all agitators! Mother Jones was known as the ‘Miners Angel’ for her steadfast support of labor & union rights, even when her position wasn’t in step with union leaders. If there were a strike, she’d be there to help organize, to motivate, or to rabble-rouse as she saw fit. Railway workers, coal miners, textile mill workers, streetcar workers, immigrant workers, child laborers; wherever there were workers being exploited by their employers, Mother Jones made it a point to show up & start some shit. This sweet, harmless looking, elderly lady could garner a whole lot of publicity for strikes and union struggles that would otherwise be ignored by the media & the public at large. Jones used this to push labor issues on to the forefront of political discussion and force politicians to address the concerns of America’s workers. That is my kind of American woman, folks.

 

 

2. WTO Protests in Seattle, Washington in November, 1999: I was in the Emerald City nearly a year after the chaos of those protests for a marijuana legalization rally and the cops still weren’t fucking with people, in fear of a reprise! The massive outburst of public aggression, referred to as The Battle of Seattle, was a response to the World Trade Organization’s Ministerial Conference of 1999. Basically, the WTO is an international club for multinational corporations that supervises world trade, essentially making wealthy nations stay that way and keeping poorer countries in terminal poverty. A crowd of more than 40,000 people convened in downtown Seattle to protest the conference. Participants included labor unions, student activists, religious organizations, anarchists, feminists, environmentalists, human rights activists, farmers, miners, fishermen, and folks from slews of other occupations and ideological backgrounds. They raged for five days, facing the brute force of the National Guard, and managed to shut down the opening ceremonies, canceled the closing ceremonies, prevented President Bill Clinton from addressing the conference, and focused the American media on police brutality and corporate domination (subjects often glossed over or labeled “fringe”). That’s how you do dissent, people!

 

 

3. Elizabeth Caty Stanton (11/12/1815 – 10/26/1902) and her Declaration of Sentiments: Stanton was an abolitionist, an activist, a suffragette, and a bad ass in an era when those labels were anything but cool. Her Sentiments were ratified by the first women’s rights conference in Seneca Falls, NY in 1848, thus kicking off the first organized women’s rights movement in the United States. She was so ahead of her time (and apparently, ahead of our time too) because she advocated for not only suffrage, but equality in divorce law, parental and custody rights, property rights, income and employment rights, birth control, and the overall economic health of the family unit. All with seven children and a husband on her plate! At her wedding, the story goes, Elizabeth Cady refused to promise to "obey" her husband in the vows, later writing "I obstinately refused to obey one with whom I supposed I was entering into an equal relation”. Get it, Girl! And Thanks.  

 

4. Russell Long: It’s his birthday today & I miss that drunk S.O.B. My life is lonelier without his daily phone calls, however perv-y the conversation or unintelligible the message may have been. 

Pearls of Whiz-dumb

My internal monologue is boring the shit out of me. Somebody change the fucking channel already.

** As I’m sure you’ve all heard, Michael “King of Pop” Jackson kicked the bucket on Thursday. The media has been praising his musical career through clenched teeth, because what they really want to talk about is the pedophilia & all of MJ’s other freakish behaviors, but that would be extremely tacky. Here’s my two cents: Michael Jackson gave us Thriller & I’m thankful for that. But this piece from Infomania still gives me the hebegebees, so forgive me for not considering his demise a tragedy.

** Farrah Fawcett bit the big one on Thursday as well & she’s been given second billing in every mention of their deaths. How sucky to be playing second fiddle to the guy who’s been the punch line of every child molestation joke told since the mid-1990’s!

 

** Remember the Jena 6? The remaining five defendants have plead No Contest to charges of misdemeanor battery & been sentenced to seven days probation, plus $500 and the cost of legal fees. For those of you that don’t recall the specifics of the case, here’ s a video from Unfiltered News that pretty much sums it up. Mychal Bell ended up pleading guilty to misdemeanor second-degree battery in December 2007 & was sentenced to 18 months in jail. The reason I mention this particular story is your News at 10 forgot to bring it up. What with Michael Jackson dying & everything, who has time to discuss matters of racial inequality or judicial tyranny? The Jena 6 were no Jackson 5, you know!

 

Read the CNN piece on the Jena 6 HERE. Is it just me or does it seem awfully light on facts? Reads like a story about some defenseless white boy that was terrorized by a gang of black kids, don’t it?

 

*** I want to talk about the Immigration Reform bill that Obama is discussing in the video below, but that is going to require it’s own comprehensive post & I’m short on time. So, I’ll be writing about the subject of Immigration & “reform” while I recover from my dental surgery on Monday. For now, head on over to CNN.com to watch the video of Barack Obama briefing us on the current state of reform efforts (HERE). Let me know what your thinking!

 

** On a personal note, I’m having my wisdom teeth taken out on Monday & I am obviously not looking forward to this. Any pain meds you may have lying around would be mighty appreciated! I am super paranoid about not having enough drugs to survive my recovery. I’ll be your best friend…

A Selection of Self Indulgent Complaints

It’s been awhile since my last rant about Things I Hate, so I thought I’d revive the tradition with a list that is chock full o’ my trademark pessimism. I’d hate for my Readers to think I’d gone soft!

STUFF I CURRENTLY LOATHE (in no particular order) 

• Drunk douche-bags that expose me to their shitty rap styling's over west coast hits from the late 90’s. It seems like every time I’m hanging out, enjoying my buzz, these fuckers come out of the woodwork. The second Tupac, Too Short, E-40, Snoop, or Dr. Dre comes out the speakers, a huddle of jackasses forms & they start spewing their generic flows & congratulating each other on their pathetic attempts to emulate actual artists. At best, these stupid displays are mediocre re-hashes of lines we’ve all heard before & at worse, they are just a bunch of “I don’t give a fuck, though”s and “I don’t love a hoe”s without any rhyme or reason to the crap stumbling out of their mouths. I actually love hip-hop & have mad respect for clever wordplay, so it pains me to hear these idiots. For the love the Westside and everything that is the shiz-nit, don’t become one of them.
• Women’s pant sizes. They vary depending on the store you buy them in, the company that makes them, and the style of the pant itself. It would be nice to have a universal go-to size for all pant purchases, but apparently that makes too much sense for the fashion Powers That Be. Instead, they’d rather keep us uncertain of our all-too-important measurements and make us waste countless hours in dressing rooms, trying on three different sizes of each pant we might consider purchasing. And what the fuck is a size 00?
• Being subjected to crap from creepy old dudes whenever I go outside unaccompanied. Whether I am riding my bike or walking down the street, even if I am reading a book or listening to my mp3 player, male passer-bys old enough to be my father (or grandfather) feel the need to spout off bullshit that makes me uncomfortable & definitely un-flattered. “Hey Beautiful!”, “Where are you headed, Pretty Lil’ Thang?”, “Smile, Baby Doll!”. This shit coming out of the mouths of men that have no chance in hell of actually hittin’ this because they’re 50+ years old, obviously junkies or crack fiends, overweight scuzz-balls… just pisses me off. Depending on the setting, I might flip them The Bird or tell them to “fuck off”, but this is not always possible since most men can pose a threat to my health. In the interest of self preservation, I sometimes have to swallow my pride, continue down the road, & ignore it when he inevitably calls me a ‘bitch’ for not responding to his commentary. Fuck those pervy geezers for making me (and every other female) deal with that shit.
• The entire American Pie series. The movies are fucking retarded, lowest common denominator, predictable swill & the next dipshit that suggests I watch any of them because they are “hella funny” is going to get a bitch slap. And a few Netflix suggestions.
• Feminist stereotypes. It is stupid to assume feminists are all ugly, hairy, man-hating, bra-burning, humorless lesbians. Heterosexual women have to deal with male misogynistic bullshit on a much more personal level than do lesbians (since we fuck them, date them, and fall in love with them), so we tend to have a vivid understanding of how fucked the patriarchy is (which nurtures our feminist ideologies). The “ugly” and “hairy” stereotypes imply that feminists are just angry because they can’t bed a man. This is retarded when one considers just how easy it is to pull a guy. Even the ugliest and hairiest lady can score! Propagators of that myth have obviously never fucked a feminist because sex is much more fun when the girl doesn’t hate herself or her pussy. As for “humorless”, it should be expected that women won’t be amused by rape or spousal abuse jokes. If that means we lack humor, so be it. Next time a dude doesn’t understand why I’m not laughing at one of those “jokes”, I’ll just throw down some of my best graphic Anal Rape/Castration comedy.
• Menial jobs that pay crappy wages, yet require a pre-employment drug test or credit check. Unless you’re flying a jumbo jet or patrolling the streets as a copper or operating heavy machinery, there is no reason why an employer should expect you to prove your sobriety. Reduce accidents? Increase productivity? Don’t hire idiots! A credit check is acceptable if you work with highly sensitive information that you might be persuaded to sell to the highest bidder (government intelligence, product development, etc.). The only other time it’s acceptable is if the employer presents you with copies of the company’s financial records (including their personal tax records & such), so that you can accurately assess their fiscal stability. Honestly, folks, a drug-life lifestyle and decent credit doesn’t say shit about whether or not a person can man the Drive-Thru window or operate the FAX machine. Don’t believe the hype. 
• European history from the fall of Rome until the French Revolution, roughly 500 c.e. to 1790 c.e. It’s downright boring shit & you can trust me on this because I am a self-professed history nerd. Basically, all of Europe is ruled by various regents (Kings, Queens, Emperors, or whatever other self-important title a ruler goes by) that fight a bunch of politically-motivated wars under the guise of religion (The Thirty Years War, The Eighty Years War, the English Civil War… what boring as names even!). The monarchs terrorize the population with some of history’s biggest dick moves (the Cromwellian conquest of Ireland, the Spanish Inquisition, witchcraft trials) and the people of mainland Europe pretty much gave up on original thought or scholarship for hundreds of years (hence, “The Dark Ages”). I despise glorification of this era in history, so it goes without saying that I hate Renaissance Fairs.
• The Socialist boogeyman that the news keeps trying to make me scared of. Frankly, I don’t see the problem with expecting the government to provide for the people. We are subject to the laws and taxes of this land but we aren’t supposed to expect healthcare or housing or consumer protection or affordable higher education… what the fuck is that all about? These idiots on the nightly news keep using terms like “Marxist” and “Socialist” whenever they talk about programs of social uplift, as if maintaining a decent standard of living for the masses will turn the U.S. into an oppressive Communist regime overnight. Funny how they never describe the war effort as “Imperialist” or the decimation of civil rights as “Fascist”. I guess there are only certain “–ist” words that are acceptable for public consumption.
• Restrooms at men’s houses. Do you guys just pee anywhere you like? No access to Scrubbing Bubbles? A little Comet, Ajax, Bleach, fucking Gasoline if you must? I don’t known about y’all, but I end up face-first in my toilet enough to require regular cleaning. Where do y’all puke when you’ve drank too much? Please don’t say it’s in your crap-laden, ring-around-the-bowl havin’, disgusting, bio-hazard johns. Ew.      

Chicken Soup for the Lazy Ass’ Soul

I hate cable TV. The amount of advertising that is shoved down your throat during a single program is fucking ridiculous & the programs themselves are all too bland, unoriginal, or mediocre to justify any real devotion to the boob tube. Just overhearing the average news program makes me cringe & sitcoms tend to be unrealistic swill. As if the cast of Friends would really kick it at a coffee shop instead of a bar (where Big Kids usually chill-ax) and why are so many fat assholes married to doting hotties in TV Land? Don’t even get me started on the cultural plague that is Reality Television. Anyhow, I hate the sub-par offerings of American television but I love to sit on my ass (preferably stoned out of my gourd) & do nothing while other people entertain me. I’ve solved this conundrum by becoming a connoisseur of internet-based programming. Allow me to pass on a few of my current favorite clips…

This one is from The Rotten Tomatoes Show (a movie review program starring the oh-too-fine Brett Erlich and Ellen Fox). If you can’t appreciate a duet about the appeal of male chest hair, then we are no longer friends! I simply cannot socialize with humorless cads like yourself!

This is Ms. Sarah Haskins in her latest installment of Target Women from Current TV’s Infomania. If you aren’t already a fan of the program head on over to their website & get schooled. It is the necessary weekly dose of sarcasm & pop culture critique that keeps me sane. Sane-ish, anyhow.

A really insightful & interesting discussion of race, materialism, and hip-hop from my Make Believe Internet Boyfriend, Jay Smooth. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: If I ever meet a man with a shred of the intelligence & insight that Jay Smooth appears to have (via Illdoctrine), I have met my Baby Daddy. Seriously. Can you blame me? Watch his commentary on the Perez Hilton/Miss California fiasco & just try to not develop a crush on the man. Ain’t possible, y’all.

I’m leaving on a jet plane… finally.

As any native Stocktonian knows, the main objective for most of us is to escape from this cornhole of a city as soon as humanly possible. I have been plotting my course of action since sixth grade but, as Elaine would say, I am 27-and-0. I have yet to get out of this place for an entire stinking year. Not from lack of trying, mind you!

To date, I’ve developed & attempted to execute at least five exit strategies. For awhile, it was my ridiculous idea to move to Alaska (Anchorage or Juneau, since I’m a terminal urban dweller at heart). I researched all sorts of shit & read everything about the region that I could get my hands on. Mi familia was never actually convinced that I would pull off such a stunt, but I was whole-heartedly invested in the idea… until I remembered how much I detest cold weather.

Then there was my fixation with study abroad programs. I was hindered by my monolingual Americaness & my desire to spend as little dough as possible, so I focused on semesters in Northern Ireland (mucho dinero & kinda’ trendy) or English-Language study in Eastern Europe. After looking into dozens of study abroad programs, I realized that only rich kids with liberal ideologies & unlimited resources were equipped for over seas schooling.

After that, I was briefly entertained by the idea of volunteering in the Ukraine or in Austria. The plan was to devote as long as a year to a historical preservation project as a general laborer in exchange for room & board. The historical sites were run-down cathedrals or dilapidated castles & I figured the dramatic change in lifestyle, work habits, and cultural surroundings would do me good. I’m glad I snapped out of that bout of self-loathing! Why would I want to clean up someone else's mess on such a grand scale? I can’t even stomach tidying up my studio, let alone a fucking castle. Plus, it would suck to get kidnapped by some impoverished local that mistook my American accent as an indication of my wealth. Ain’t nobody gonna’ pay ransom money for me & I’d probably get caught up in some white slave trade shit – forced to turn tricks for some fat, smelly, Russian pimp. Scratched that idea, needless to say.

There was a period of time that I was considering a move to Washington state, as well. This one didn’t involve indentured servitude or taking on a second language, but it was eventually abandoned because I hate the way folks up there treat Californians. Having previously stayed in Seattle for a bit, I had been exposed to the intense loathing Washingtonians have for us Cali-folk & I’ll be damned if I put up with that shit everyday. I love my state because it rocks (in so many different ways) & I’m the type to talk shit right back to those attempting to antagonize me, so I assumed I would have a tough time attracting friends if I moved north.   

My longest running dream has been to transfer to San Francisco State University, to live outside the city in whatever piece of shit digs I could afford, & to bask in the dingy gorgeousness that is the Bay Area while I worked on my History degree. Cost of living considerations forced this dream to be a team effort & it was for a handful of years. After my latest relationship dissolved into a worthless pile of debts, insecurity, and resentment, my San Francisco escape became harder and harder realize. So, I vowed to stay clear of serious emotional attachments until I got my ass out of the San Joaquin Valley. And that is where I found myself yesterday; still sans-boyfriend and sans-departure schedule.

I was having a long distance conversation with my sister, Alison, when everything changed. She suggested I move to San Diego (where she currently resides), transfer to the state school, and live at her place until I get my own thang going. This thought had never even crossed my mind, but it made such perfect sense! No ridiculous hoops or strings attached, a plan to finally finish school, life in a metropolitan area like I have always intended, secured housing with kinfolk, PLUS I get to remain in my beloved California. San Diego, it is! I’m outta’ here after the first of the year.

Later, Bitches.

Another post about why Men confuse me

I think that being baffled by the opposite sex is a true indication of heterosexuality. Keeps the mystery alive & sparks our curiosity enough to keep the genders in the same social circles, I guess. We run through a cycle of enlightened epiphanies and dumb founded shocks while trying to figure out the opposing gender… what are they really up to? why the fuck do they do that? why do I find that crap attractive? Men present the ultimate WTF?, in my opinion. The male species confuses me more that Astronomy and Statistics combined, but unlike the afore mentioned subjects, I still want to study the bastards! How’s that for screwed up? Every time I think I have Men pegged, every time I assume I get their whole vibe & understand where they are coming from, something wholly ridiculous comes out of left field & I’m back to square one, seriously contemplating getting a cooties shot (just to be safe). At the moment, there are a few things I think I understand about those genetic defects known as men & they are as follows:

1. Men think we value “strength”, “courage”, and “having balls” as much as they do. They can’t understand that we don’t think all traits associated with masculinity are positive or desirable. Their aggressive speaking tactics, for one, are obnoxious. When they talk to each other it’s like one long conversation about Who’s Dick Is Bigger (“I have this…” “Oh yeah? Well, I have this!”), a One-Up Competition regardless of the topic. How do they ever understand each other? And what they see as courageous, I often see as stupid & reckless. Men, especially in bars or at sporting events, are quick to jump into physical altercations to prove their superiority, so us gals watch their ridiculousness like a Discovery Channel program…a dude fight is equivalent to footage of a power struggle between two Gorillas or Lions or Elk… more silly & amusing than impressive or noble. Even though men think we behave like silly creatures, they have yet to realize that we have similar opinions about them.

2. Men really think we don’t notice them looking at our tits. I’m not talking about the flat-out stares, I mean the usual periodic glance that heterosexual men do during conversations with ample chested women. They really seem surprised whenever I point it out. Dude, I’ve had these things for a number of years now & have spoken to many men in my day. It’s no biggie, but I’ve noticed. I’ve also noticed that men don’t really listen to what I’m saying most of the time. Instead, they will watch my lips move or just listen to the sound of my voice without actually hearing whatever it is I am saying. Both of these male conversational habits indicate to me that Men think whatever I am saying is unimportant, uninteresting, or irrelevant. Or maybe they just think I’m talking for their benefit anyhow, so it doesn’t matter if they pay attention. Whatever the reason, I end up repeating relevant information WAAAAAY more often while talking to dudes than when talking to other women.

3. The following things grab male attention & indicate that you are feminine and approachable (meaning: nice guys will talk to you. So will pricks, but they talk to anyone right?): short skirts, long hair, overly animated smiles, floral patterns, fruity cocktails. On the other hand, these things make you appear feminine but in a Eve/Delilah/ Seductress kind of way that scares off the majority & attracts more than your fair share of misogynist pricks: fish nets, short hair, cigarettes, unsmiling straight faces, sunglasses, plunging necklines, whiskey/bourbon/scotch, items of men’s clothing worn a la Madonna in the Vogue video. They are clichés for a reason, after all. I think men generally behave in a certain way when presented with specific visual clues about a woman’s persona because they like to think that all chicks fit either the Virgin or the Whore mold. I LOVE to dress the part of the submissive damsel, only to confuse the shit out of potential suitors by cursing like a sailor and drinking like a fish. Keeps ‘um on their toes, y’know?

4. When men fight for your “honor” or in your defense, you have to appreciate the effort because they mean well. It’s the thought that counts. Don’t reiterate the opinions expressed in #1 after he’s thrown down for you (regardless of how retarded you thought the fight was) because he will think you are an ungrateful bitch (& he might assume you want to fuck the other guy). Let him have his moment.

5. Beware men with older sisters. They know too much.

Here are a few things I have yet to fully understand about the male species & their effects on my fragile female form (your input about possible motives or mental defects are, as always, greatly appreciated):

1. Why are they so much better at video games than I am? Even the half-blind bastards I know can school my ass on the X-Box and the Wii. Even if he’s new to a game, it’s only a matter of time before he’s kicking my ass. WTF?

2. Dumb men are usually intimidated, then they feel threatened, by my intellect. Just having an opinion on everything really pisses these guys off (whether the crap I say is smart is irrelevant). I’ve been yelled at, clowned, ostracized, & nearly punched for accidentally making a guy feel intellectually inferior to me. BUT, the fucked up part is these idiot Neanderthal-men are one of my favorite types of boy! WTF?

3. How do men determine if they have a big dick or not? Do they compare and contrast? Analyze amateur porn? Sneak peaks at the urinal? Is that why they eventually ask us about theirs vs. every other dude we’ve ever been with? And where do they get the idea that their dicks are the ruler of their worth? Do Dads tell their sons this kind of shit?

4. Neckties are just Dude’s Jewelry. They serve no purpose other than decorative. Since they aren’t usually expensive & therefore aren’t used to assess a man’s wealth/success (like most other adornments that men wear), why are they still worn? Habit? Wasn’t most of the pointless Guy Clothing phased out long ago (i.e. powdered wigs, cufflinks, suspenders)? We have all kinds of clothing & jewelry items to deal with because we are the traditionally objectified sex, but what is his excuse? Vanity?

The size of one’s bank account is directly proportional to the size of one’s head

Or so it seems from where I’m standing. As a life-long resident of the working class, I am in no way an expert on the wealthy or their habits but having been subjected to twenty-some-odd years of television devoted to the lifestyles of these odd creatures and unavoidable celebrity gossip masquerading as “news” throughout the mainstream media, I’ve come to believe that America’s wealthy folk are fucking crazy. Their souls and their sanity are being crushed under the immense weight of their over-sized egos. Poor things.

I began thinking about the plight of our nation’s Rich-ards and Rich-ginas after I heard about the “tragic” death of David Carradine. You may remember this entertainment icon from television’s Kung-Fu (if you were around to watch TV in the 1970’s, anyhow), or from Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill Vols.1 & 2 (he was Uma Thurmond’s baby daddy), or most recently he played the wise, quasi-Oriental, advice-giver in the YellowPages.com commercials. His death has been attributed to accidental suffocation, presumably during a sex act referred to as auto erotic asphyxiation. The speculated circumstances surrounding Carradine’s demise got me thinking – What the fuck is wrong with Rich People? I mean, the beauty of fucking is that the act itself is Fabulous… as it is! Without gimmicks, without equipment, without frills, sex is a kick-ass way to pass the time. Millions of teenaged boys & porn connoisseurs will attest to the fact that good ol’ fashioned jerking off is mighty pleasurable as well. So, why is it that Rich Folk are always getting caught up in some ridiculous unnecessary (albeit hilarious) sex acts? Isn’t the regular shit good enough for these freaks? Have they become so detached from the reality the rest of us inhabit that they no longer enjoy sexual activity like normal people? Don’t get me wrong, I am no vanilla advocate! It’s just that strangling yourself to increase the pleasure of a self-induced orgasm seems fucking retarded & I’ve never heard of anyone from the lower ranks of the economic totem pole doing such a thing. Appears to be strictly Rich-ard’s thing. Along the same vein, those freaky Real Dolls cost thousands of dollars so us po’ folk ain’t the ones fucking life-sized Barbie dolls! That’s all Rich-ard, once again. Then you have celebrities & politicians that can pull any hoe at the bar, just by name dropping, but they opt for high priced call girls instead because the regular means of bedding a broad are apparently passé in elite circles. What is going on in the bedrooms of the Rich and Famous these days? Maybe I don’t really want to know…

Another indication of the widespread mental defects afflicting America’s celebrities is their apparent ignorance to economic realities. Normal people, those not deemed sociopaths or self-absorbed assholes, generally understand that every action causes an equal & opposite reaction, i.e. when one person rakes in 20 – 30 million dollars a year, there are thousands of others that are fucked by a lack of funds. Celebrities, who’s various contributions to this country hardly justify their absurd incomes (I don’t care how good the movie was, no actor is worth millions per performance!), flock to Southern California and New York but they appear to be unaware of the poverty surrounding them. As if Poor People are merely part of the scenery, rather than fellow human beings, & instead of recognizing the Give-and-Take that boosts them up the financial ladder, many celebrities seem to believe they have earned their fortunes in their own right! What ever happened to the Socialist vein that used to run through Hollywood? The McCarthy era must have successfully purged the region of socially sympathetic economic philosophies, because their ain’t no mo’ love for the Broke Ones in the upper classes. Unless, of course, Rich Folks are adopting our culture for fashion purposes (see the Trucker Hat for one such example) or literally adopting children from Third World nations. Then poverty is tres chic! Maybe rich people really can’t empathize with the state of America’s masses & they aren’t just willfully ignoring economic stratification like selfish bastards. If that is the case, our homegrown Rich Folks have become psychopaths (y’know that’s the term applied to people that behave in an indulgent manner without regard to the rights & well being of others). Their mental psychosis maybe worse than I initially thought!

Finally, the Celebu-royalty of this country shows clear signs of mental instability when it comes to it’s women-folk. It’s possible that the Rich-ginas have evolved into a superior version of Woman that no longer has a need for the curves associated with the human female, but I seriously doubt it. Looking at the starlets on the pages of Cosmo or People Magazine reveals a startling lack of breasts. Are there no D-Cups in Hollywood? And why do so many of these women have the figures of ten year old boys in their designer gowns? Why can I see so many collar bones & rib cages? Can you no longer use American currency to purchase food in Hollywood? When gossip rags deem the actress in a size 10 a “Plus Size” woman, there is something terribly wrong. Certainly the starvation, the rigid exercise regimens, the elective surgeries, and the chorus of famous women claiming to “eat all the time!” despite evidence to the contrary indicates some serious psychological problems brewing amongst the nation’s Privileged Classes, no?

America! Consider this your call to action! Our Rich-ards and Rich-ginas need your support! If they are ever expected to fuck like normal breathing people or acknowledge their shared interest in the greater good or enjoy the life-giving effects of food you allow yourself to digest, we must lend our hands & aid them in their time of need. Perhaps, we can push for adjustments in income tax rates for the wealthiest Americans? Take a little of that green off their hands & relieve the pressure their burdened by, while refilling our empty state coffers! Win-Win, right? Or maybe we can give our celebrities a break from fame by NOT watching all that reality television garbage or reading those gossip magazines or tuning in to EXTRA! or Access Hollywood! There’s an idea…

Laryngitis is my Kryptonite

I talk a lot. Apparently I talk more than your average bear, Booboo, because mother fuckers love to tell me I talk too much. Especially those mo-fos that get a taste of my wrath in a spoken word spar & refuse to admit defeat. Instead of engaging in discussion, these jack-offs discount whatever point I was making by calling attention to the fact that I’m speaking at all. I hate those pricks. But, they aren’t the only ones that call me out for being a Chatty Cathy. My father is convinced that I never shut the fuck up. When the orthodontist told him that I needed molars removed because my mouth was too small, he exclaimed “BULLSHIT! We’re talking about the same girl here?”, then Pops & the Ortho enjoyed a series of Big Mouth = Talk Too Much jokes at my expense. Ha ha, dickheads, didn’t see that one coming. My quieter pals pass their thoughts on to me for pubic announcement, sort of like a living & breathing P.A. system for the painfully shy. They make requests like “Ask him to play this song” or “Go see if that girl is his girlfriend” or “You outta’ tell that bitch to shut the fuck up!”. I am always the one that buddies introduce as “my political friend”, as if warning others that I maybe compelled to jump on a soap box & start spouting my liberal ideology like a left-wing novelty act should the subject of politics come up. Caution: This Woman Speaks On It! Don’t Get Her Started! More often than not, I’m chastised for talking too much, even though I’m much more entertained by debate than I am by giving speeches.I am rarely applauded for my ability to carry on a conversation, but I am often called out for dominating a discussion. Like it’s a bad thing that I know shit, that I bother to form opinions on topics, or that I’m comfortable expressing my viewpoint! I’m not a know-it-all or a bad listener, nor am I a shrinking violet-wallflower type. But, for better or for worse, I talk a lot.   

Sometimes I have an agenda when I speak; other times I just spout off on a stream of consciousness hoping it will lead to a conclusion that justifies my rant. Often, I speak for speaking’s sake, just to give the vocal chords a workout, y’know? I talk a lot in some social settings so as to avoid blending in with the scenery & disappearing all together. I talk to fill the space of an awkward silence or to kick-start conversation when folks have fallen into a stoned stupor. I talk to unload the psychological burden I accumulate in this life and to assure others that they are not that crazy or alone. Sometimes I talk in small child-like tones, sometimes my “inner sista” surfaces and exposes my ghetto roots. Always, my speech is peppered with sarcasm, regional slang, sound effects, and curse words. I especially love compound cuss words and the versatility of the word “bitch”! I avoid using racial slurs because they make me uncomfortable, but I have no qualms instigating class warfare with my commentary. At one time or another, I’ve sounded like a fucking idiot, a ditz, a nerd, a blowhard, and a cold-hearted bitch. I suspect I’ll have opportunities in the future to do so again. I’ve totally gotten busted talking to myself, but I don’t understand people that honestly talk to their pets or plants… or infants. I’m very vocal in bed, at sporting events, when drunk or nervous. I’m not a Jabber Jaw at the movie theatre, in the library, or when I first meet a Scottie-Too-Hottie. I talk mad shit, I pick fights to amuse myself, and I am not likely to excuse blatant misogyny by remaining silent. I speak on what I know, I appreciate the word play found in hip-hop and punk rock, and I abuse the shit out of my First Amendment right to freedom of speech. So, yeah, I suppose I talk a lot.

And what of it?   

                                                                          

Holy Fuck. Jesus was a Zombie!

I cannot believe it never occurred to me that Jesus H. Christ was a freaking zombie. The most famous one I can think of, in fact! No wonder I am so afraid of Christianity & it’s followers! Zombies scare the piss out of me & it never dawned on me that the celebration of Easter, of Christ’s resurrection, was actually a day of praise for the un-dead. I smell an excellent parody of Passion of the Christ here… 

Between a mouth and a hard place

I never trust men that don’t like oral sex. If they aren’t down with going down, they really shouldn’t bring that to my attention because they’ll end up looking like a misogynist or a closet homosexual in my eyes and that means No Nookie. I can take it or leave it, but I’m not about to screw somebody that admits they won’t venture south because they find the practice of mouth-to-beaver love unappealing. Basically, I take that as meaning the dude thinks pussies are nasty & that being the case, he probably shouldn’t be sticking his dick in one either! Certainly not mine, anyhow. I understand if a person is weary about oral between strangers and I even have some respect for those that place a higher value on the act of cunnillingus; waiting until a romantic relationship has advanced to whenever Pussy Eating Time is before going there. But if a straight male is adamantly opposed to giving face & has the audacity to vocalize such bullshit, I can almost guarantee that the dick ain’t worth the trouble, Baby. If the douche bag expects to receive a blowjob despite his pussy-phobia & is stupid enough to say that shit out loud around a perspective lover, not only should he be rejected, he should be promptly kicked in the balls. That will sideline his ass for the evening & save all the other ladies in the place from the grim fate of going home with a lousy lay. Might even prevent the wanker from procreating & spreading his malicious sexual mores to future generations.

More annoying than those dipshits are those fucking man-freaks that don’t like receiving oral sex. What the fuck is wrong with these men? Was it traumatic teeth-on-cock action? Ripped foreskin? Some kind of dick related injury? The only acceptable excuses I can think of involve some painful experience while in the mouth of a sadist or a retard. Even then, I’d expect a guy to get the fuck over it eventually. In my worldview, men should always act like getting head is a gift from the Gods themselves and most of the time, this is the case. Normally, the prospect of getting a BJ makes a guy super-excited – like they want to high-five themselves – and THAT is one of the primary goals of giving head! We, the Cocksuckers of America, take pride in our ability to inspire giddy, goofy, retard-happiness in our penis…er…partner. So, what to make of a man that doesn’t want head? Throws off this bitch’s game & I don’t like it one bit. A revelation like that makes me question the basic principals that I base my existence upon, like the shallow nature of male sexuality and the belief that blowjobs can tame the savage beast. Even more aggravating than the mental tailspin Anti-BJ types instigate are the physical repercussions of fucking these guys. A marathon sex session can become an endurance challenge when a gal can’t fall back on oral sex to give her vagina a break every once in awhile & that might cost the dude a call-back session. Anti-BJ-ers are usually under the impression that giving head is a selfless act women perform strictly for the benefit of the recipient & that idea is usually accompanied with other misguided sexual mythology they picked up from porn, like all women enjoy hostile breast fondling or ejaculation in their faces. This is why I distrust men that don’t jump at the chance to get head. I assume they must have ridiculous ideas about other bedroom activities as well and, like I always say, I never want to teach.

Stockton, California: A Survival Guide (Continued)

As promised, the adventure continues…

CHAPTER TWO: WHO THE FUCK IS IN CHARGE HERE? (or The Puppet Masters)

One of the best Letters to the Editor ever published in the local paper was from a transplant resident that claimed our great city was the “most politically corrupt” he had ever lived in & he was shocked by how little uproar this causes. What the aggravated letter writer did not understand is that Stocktonians are well aware of how fucked up shit is, but the shame of poverty keeps us quiet for the most part. We have our very own, home-grown, rags-to-riches tale (The Legend of A.G. Spanos) to reinforce the idea that our lives suck because we don’t try hard enough. So many Stocktonians are barely staying afloat and, as popular mythology would have you believe, this has NOTHING to do with the misappropriation of city funds away from programs of social uplift and toward the pet projects of real estate developers or corporate interests. All sarcasm aside, think about it for a second. How many chain restaurants and big box retail stores do we need to subsidize with tax dollars before we kick down some feta for improvement of our shitty public transit system? Or how ‘bout local entrepreneur assistance on par with the millions we spent moving Paraguay’s into the Hotel Stockton? How is it cool to strip the library’s budget by 10% (no shit. See it HERE.) when we have the lowest literacy rate of any city in the NATION (pop. over 250,000), but in the same fiscal year we have enough money to earmark $22.4 million for a waterfront marina? Does that shit sound right to you? Me neither. I think the letter writing transplant was on to something.

It is true that this last election cycle replaced the mayor & several city council members, so it’s best not to jump the gun & assume the worse of them before they’re given a chance to fuck up. After all, these aren’t the dudes that gave Neil Diamond a million big ones to play at our arena & they aren’t the ones that stripped the Charter Way Renovation Project to fund the Downtown Revitalization effort & they aren’t the dingbats that sold waterfront land (site of the new Lexington Hotel) for a $1… you get the point.

My advice when it comes to the Powers That Be is to avoid buying into the bullshit they’re trying to sell you. Remember that Stockton has one of the highest sales tax rates in the state, that the city rapes local businesses on licensing fees & taxes, and that all the monies they collect are intended to fund the common good. If Stockton can fund a marina that most of us will never be able to use & we can kick down for yet another real estate development when most of the homes already built stand empty, don’t you think it’s about time our elected officials applied some financial aid to our wounded economy? Shouldn’t they at least pretend to fix our 13% unemployment rate? Or at least spruce up the shelter a little (since us broke fucks are headed in that direction soon enough)? You can ask the Budget Committee questions like these or get updates on the next meeting HERE. Power to the People, Bitches.

 

CHAPTER THREE: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE SPD? (or Stop! Or Our Cops Will Shoot!)

Anyone that lives here will tell you that our Boys In Blue don’t fuck around. They will shoot you. If the Stockton Police Department offers any explanation for gunning down a citizen, it will be a short victim-blaming statement (issued by Officer Pete Smith), repeated without question in the local paper, and then the issue will be dropped. End of story. For whatever reason, the SPD is granted the authority to play Judge, Jury, and Executioner as they see fit. Don’t get me wrong, I understand how dangerous this town is (I live here, after all) & I know that extreme situations may lead to justifiable homicide committed by a police officer (like the recent situation where that dude stabbed a judge & was promptly gunned down. What the hell was he thinking?) BUT Stockton’s cops are out of fucking control! Latest examples:

March 10, 2009: Police gun down a 60 year old man in a pick-up at 12th Street & Tiffany. According to SPD, the truck displayed lost or stolen license plates & when they attempted to pull it over, a three-minute high speed chase ensued. All four officers that were pursuing the vehicle got out of their cars, anticipating the perp’s escape, but the truck flipped a bitch & headed toward the officers. Two cops started unloading on the truck & it crashed into a police cruiser. The cops attempted first aid, but Dude was pronounced dead at the hospital.

December 10, 2008: Police shoot & kill 30-year old Melecio Arquines at his South Stockton home on Sutter Street. According to the deceased’s family lawyer, Arquines & his wife were woke up by noises outside their home at 2 am. Arquines grabbed his gun & went to investigate, only to be gunned down at his screen door by officers attempting to arrest a 16 year old that had ran onto his lawn. The cops then questioned his grieving widow at the station for hours, prompting the woman to initiate legal action against the department. Look how the local news media handles this one…

Find more videos like this on www.truveo.com.

As a general rule, y’all, the police are not your friends ‘round here. Especially if you are African-American. Even my skinny white ass got knocked around by a law enforcement duo. I wasn’t charged with anything, but was detained for the evening & I think I got off light! Don’t play with these trigger-happy police. Seriously.

Most aggravating about SPD’s brutal attitude towards Stocktonians is that this kind of shit doesn’t ease the violent crime problem plaguing our community. When the citizenry doesn’t trust law enforcement, how can the city expect to effectively tackle the crime problem? Most of us see the SPD as just another source of Stockton’s violence; no better than the North Side Gangster Crips or the thugs out by Louis Park. That can’t be helping the situation.

 

(To be continued…)

Stockton, California: Someplace Special (Indeed!)

It’s been awhile since I last spoke on the ridiculousness of my hometown, but don’t assume this means the topic is no longer among my favorites. In fact, it seems that Stock-town’s odd inner workings grow in their importance to me as the days go by. Like increasing concern about a festering boil, the state of my city demands more and more of my attention the longer I am exposed to it. What a weird, fucked up, and undeniably twisted place this is! The blatantly corrupt politics, the trigger-happy & inept police force, the myriad of seemingly unstoppable violent street gangs, our disgustingly polluted air & water, our local news media that can only be described as ‘fucking retarded’ (maybe ‘asleep at the wheel’, if I want to be nice about it), embarrassingly low literacy & high school graduation rates, shockingly high foreclosure figures and unemployment levels, fiercely segregated neighborhoods & an economically divided populace… Yes, there is something to bitch about for everyone, no matter what your interests may be! I don’t give a shit what the public relations team at City Hall says about our pessimistic attitudes being the source of Stockton’s woes. As I see it, our collective cynicism is the only sign that the whole damned city isn’t fucking crazy. At least we know shit is bad.

For all those Readers out there in Internet Land that have not had the misfortune of living ‘round here, let me give you a brief run down on my hometown. For those of you already aware of the hell hole I speak of, can I get an “Amen”? We’ll call my civic training manual…

STOCKTON: A SURVIVAL GUIDE 

 

CHAPTER ONE: WHO THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE? (or Diversity for Dipshits)

What a waste of a melting pot. Stockton has always been home to various flavors of folk with different ethnicities, religions, cultures, and backgrounds but, for whatever reason, it has never accepted this fact. Everyone here acts like invading hordes of outsiders are constantly threatening our Way of Life forgetting, of course, that our Way has always been more of a multi-lane highway than a one way street. Those folks that feel the need to defend Stockton by constantly pointing out it’s positive attributes always cite our diversity as our biggest asset, but dollars-to-donuts these folks socialize in groups of like minded people with similar skin tones and they car pool with their neighbors to church on Sunday. Sure we have the Japanese Obon Bazaar, the Greek Food Festival, a Chinese New Year parade, the Jewish Food Fair, and a slew of other ethnic or religious celebrations open to the public throughout the year, but all that proves is Stocktonians like to eat all kinds of food. We do not judge a chef by the color of his skin, only by the content of his cuisine.

As far as us residents are concerned, there are two kinds of people in Stockton; those from Here and those from Somewhere Else. It’s not like us Lifelong Residents dislike the newcomers or anything; it’s just easy to identify who is who. Newbies don’t understand the very real crime threat; they’re either too scared or oblivious to the fact that they should be scared. My advice? Find yourself a buddy that knows the lay of the land before you go traipsing about town, smiling & waving at folks. That kind of friendly behavior freaks us natives out. Or it can get you jacked. No joke. Stocktonians aren’t friendly folk. We further divide ourselves along economic lines: The Haves vs. The Never Had Shit. The homeowners vs. the terminal renters. Thanks to the real estate crash, we lower class individuals without property now make up an overwhelming majority but Spanos & Co. still wear the pants in these parts, since the President, the Governor, Congressmen, & other people with power have yet to swing by mi casa for lunch & lively political debate. Until then, I doubt any type of populist revolution will spring from our community’s financial dire straits. It’s still Us vs. Them (p.s. we’re losing, dudes).

Stockton was the first California city with a moniker that isn’t of Spanish or Native American origin, having been named after Commodore Robert F. Stockton, a guy noted for participating in the “capture” of California during the Mexican-American War. “Capture” can also be read as “underhanded jack-move”, depending on where you get your history. I think this inappropriate christening of the city after an Anglo uninvolved with it’s founding or settling, proves how at odds this place has always been with the reality of its racial make up. As if there were ever a white majority in Stockton! The first settlers were gold miners from all corners of the globe, so ever since Day One (Uno?) this place has been home to all kinds of humans; from Mexicans to Russians, Chinese to Filipinos, black, white, Christian to Sikh, and almost any other motherfuckers you can think of. Never the less, black people tend to live on the North & South ends of town, gangs out West are primarily white & Mexican, and nobody really bothers to interact with the Southeast Asian communities among us (unless you are getting your nails done, that is).

To summarize: We are a diverse community, but nobody here gives a fuck… unless you’ve got food.

 

(TO BE CONTINUED…)

Men Doing Manly Things on Film: A Countdown

I am not a chick flick type of gal. Watching The Notebook nearly fucking killed me and when I am exposed to most films labeled “Romantic Comedy” the result can be uncontrollable nausea or violent outbursts. Some films I enjoy are not exactly masculine (think: Me Without You or any of John Hughes’ classics) & I would seriously kill for a decent female stoner-buddy movie, but my film preferences are far from the ridiculous fairytale tripe that Hollywood markets to the ladies. There are even certain actresses & actors that I avoid like the plague because they tend to star in shitty chick flicks more often than not; i.e. Sandra Bullock, Kate Hudson, Colin Firth. One cinematic genre I do adore is Dick Flicks (term is copyrighted by maryjanefoxie, inc.). These movies have casts mostly composed of men, their plots involve manly activities like warfare or high-stakes gambling, and the best ones can be viewed by a mixed gender audience without complaints. They usually avoid gender stereotypes & hyper-sexualized female characters because their focus is masculinity rather than misogyny. Some of them are action flicks, some are comedies, some are crime dramas, but all of them are Dude Oriented without being Aggressively Anti-Female. Basically, the movies I am speaking of allow me to enjoy men at their best without offending my feminist ideals or my male companions. Think of Dick Flicks as being the type of movie that is Boyfriend Friendly, but watching it doesn’t actually require any compromise on your part. Next time your Dude du Jour is trying to force you into yet another screening of Total Recall or The Rock, may I suggest one of these alternatives?

 

1. 300: Men love it for entirely different reasons than us females & they don’t even know it. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what happens in the movie, despite having seen it many times. Usually, I pay a lot more attention to movies with historical plots because I love to dissect their inaccuracies, but this one can do no wrong as far as I am concerned. All I remember is a bunch of sweaty half-naked men running around doing masculine things for two hours & I can find no fault with that. Just peep the screen shots…[If you wanted to like Troy, but thought it took itself way too seriously for being a movie about shit that might not have even happened... this movie is for you.]

 

2. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels: This Guy Richie masterpiece combines a kick ass soundtrack, a cast of accented hotties, and an interesting plot full of twists and turns that entertains gals & guys alike. If you’ve seen Snatch but have yet to view Lock, Stock… trust me, this one deserves to be high up on your Netflix queue. As was the case with Snatch, repeated viewings maybe necessary in order to fully enjoy this film. Those British accents take a minute to get used to & their slang is unfamiliar, but key to several excellent one-liners. Can I mention, once again, how much I love Jason Statham? He will always be my Turkish. [This is a film for fans of Guy Richie, of British working class blokes, or of fast paced plots that don’t allow for much blinking]

 

3. The Boondock Saints: This tale of Irish-born twin brother vigilantes cleaning up Boston’s mean streets is full of gun fights, organized crime villainy, and questionable morals… Just like action films should be! The Luck of the Irish, or maybe the hand of God, aids the twosome in their quest to take down local gangsters & they are joined by their dip-shit pal Rocco a long-term lackey for the Mob, their absentee gun-slinging father, and a homosexual sympathetic federal agent, played by William Defoe. Lots of topless moments (males, of course), fisticuffs, and witty dialogue. Watch the deleted scenes on the DVD version for some completely appropriate full frontal male nudity! Damn, I love me an Irish boy. I love two of ‘um even more. [You’ll like this one if you like action movies. It’s a pretty basic formula of guys, guns, and gangsters.]

 

4. Young Guns: Emilio Estevez, Kiefer Sutherland, Lou Diamond Phillips, Charley Sheen, Dermot Mulroney… all in their hay-day? Need I say more? [For you if you like Tombstone or similar modern-made Wild West-set films about justice, revenge, & a man’s duty.]

 

5. Casino: My favorite gangster movie ever. Joe Pesci, Robert Di Nero, Sharon Stone, shallow graves, gangland politics… it don’t get much better. This one is less about the hottie-factor of it’s actors & more about the way machismo can fuck everything up. Feminist or not, I want to bitch-slap Sharon Stone’s character every time I watch her piss away that magnificent closet full of clothes, all those gems & gold jewelry, not to mention the life insurance policy that is a mobster husband! Once she ties her kid to the bed so that she can go out in that god-awful gold pantsuit, I can only shake my head & mutter “dumb ass fucking broad”. No sympathy for the dipshits, y’know? [If you enjoy any of the other movies starring Joe Pesci & Robert Di Nero as Italian mobsters, you’ll like this one]

 

6. Reservoir Dogs: A botched bank job leads to tense times in this Quentin Tarantino classic. Mr. Pink (Steve Bushemi), Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen), Mr. White (Harvey Keitel), Mr. Blue (Some Old Dude), Mr. Brown (Tarantino), and Mr. Orange (Tim Roth) are probably my favorite of Hollywood’s bank robbers, successful or not. I cannot hear Stuck in the Middle With You without recalling that infamous ear slicing scene! This movie showcases Tarantino’s genius beyond a shadow of a doubt, in my opinion. The scene following the first one in the diner, when all the men walk in slow-mo while Little Green Bag plays & the opening credits roll, is damned smooth. Watching it makes me feel all gangsta’ & shit. [This is your kind of movie if Quentin Tarantino’s other gems entertained you, if your a fan of classic black-and-white heist movies, or if you just like a little grime with your undercover cop drama]

 

7. Fight Club: In real life, a fight club would seem infantile & ridiculous. In this movie it’s sublime in it’s hyper-masculinity, isn’t it? I am not a Brad Pitt fan, but even I can no longer deny his beauty after viewing this movie. Edward Norton is no ugly duckling either. Plus, you have an anti-authoritarian plot (fuck the capitalist system that enslaves us all!), power ballad enthusiast Meat Loaf sporting man tits, & the wonderful Helena Bonham Carter co-staring in this David Fincher film. I am Michelle’s stimulated frontal lobe…  [If you enjoy giving The Man a double helping of The Bird or if you just want to watch a dude go bat-shit crazy & lose control of his own head, this is the film for you]

 

8. Pineapple Express: A stoner-buddy action film birthed by Seth Rogan, Evan Goldberg, and Judd Apatow? Pure fucking cinematic gold! It’s a great comedy, a great action flick, and a great look at the one aspect of male-hood that I am truly envious of… dude friendships. Of course any real “I love you, Man” moments are followed by a series of gay jokes to temper the emotional depth of the scene, but isn’t that how most hetero- guys are when it comes to showing the bros love? Besides, Seth Rogan & James Franco are the most believable pothead characters since Half Baked gave us Thurgood Jenkins, Scarface, Kenny, & Brian. [If you loved Superbad & Forgetting Sarah Marshall but can do without the romantic sub-plots, this movie is for you]

 

9. The Departed: Combine several of my most favorite flavors of Man – the American-born working class Irish, the gangster linked to some ethnically specific mob, the vigilante cop with questionable morals – and add them to a complex Cop & Thug story chock full o’ double-crosses and backstabbing, get the ever-brilliant Martin Scorsese to direct it, bake at 350 for 15 – 20 minutes, then TA-DAH! You have The Departed. Leonardo DiCapiro, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen, & Marky Mark (HE WILL ALWAYS BE MARKY MARK TO ME) star in this prime example of what a Dick Flick is all about. [This is for you if you like any of those movies or TV shows about Boston’s Irish neighborhoods & it’s hyper-masculine street gangs]

 

10. The Usual Suspects: I can’t believe I almost forgot to include this excellent film! Kevin Spacey, Benicio Del Toro, & the fat Baldwin star in this crime thriller about a pack of career crooks & a criminal mastermind with the best villain moniker EVER (It was Keyser Soze!). I’m not about to spoil the beauty of the film’s ending by giving away too many details here, but fuck the rest of the movies I’ve mentioned until you see this one. [If you like movies, you’ll like this one]

 

 

You might notice that I didn’t mention a single Kevin Smith flick. This is because I do not consider his work to be Dick Flick-ish. He writes about women better than most men can (see Chasing Amy) & he doesn’t exclude them from the View Askew universe or regulate them to unimportant supporting characters. The above mentioned movies lack this feminist aspect. Even if they aren’t intentionally misogynist, they are noticeably female-deficient. Hence the label “Dick Flick”.  So, I wasn’t dissing K. Smith by leaving his films off of my list. On the contrary, I was holding him in higher esteem by applying a broader definition to his catalogue of cinematic works.

Buddha is my homeboy!

Aside from a brief crisis of identity suffered during my childhood, I have always identified as an atheist because I just don’t get the God thing. Frankly, I don’t think anyone else does either, because the extreme variation in theological perspectives across the globe leads me to believe that all of y’all ain’t talking about the same creator! It’s like some huge trans-generational game of Telephone, where the message comes out different depending on who you ask. A Catholic, a Southern Baptist, a Protestant Christian, an Orthodox Jew, a Quaker, and a Shia Muslim supposedly worship the same omnipresent deity, but their versions of him couldn’t be more conflicting, no? That is where several Eastern religious traditions are superior to their Western counterparts – they acknowledge the fact that differing interpretations happen & that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. During the Colonial Period when Brits, Frenchmen, the Spanish, Portuguese, Dutch, & other European nations where snatching up Eastern countries & shoving Christian ideology down the throats of native inhabitants, plenty of folks accepted what Western missionaries where preaching. Much to the horror of the Europeans, these folks were just accepting this Christ-dude as another incantation of Brahman or another example of Buddha’s teachings or another deity to add to their already existent pantheon of gods. Unlike most followers of Abrahamic religions, they were able to take something of value away from Christ’s teachings without forfeiting their initial religion. Jesus ain’t the only savior on the block, y’know?

Anyhow, my own spiritual journey halted abruptly around my tenth year on Earth, when I decided that the purpose of religion was control of the population &, like all other forms of authority, I was going to avoid it at all costs. I DO WHAT I WANT! That’s my life philosophy, after all. Imagine my surprise when my Eastern Religion instructor had us take this HERE belief assessment test & it defined me as a 98% Theravada Buddhist. My best guess as to why I’m considered a Buddhist by the Belief-O-Matic would be my belief that human suffering is caused by egotism, that most of our suffering is all in our heads or it’s payback pain for fucked up shit we’ve done in the past, and that a person ought to be compassionate, generous, and kind to others if they want to eventually find inner peace. If that’s all it takes to join the Buddha Team, then count me in! These mo’fos got a pretty good grip on shit. All this time, I thought I had that six-inch Buddha statue for ironic purposes. Lo’ & behold, it’s actually a testament to my religious beliefs!

Question: Universal Unitarian is just a catch all label for anyone not affiliated with any other main church, huh?

                                                                

Politics is for Suckers

I dislike the words “politics” and “political” because when they are applied to specific topics, a large swath of the population stops paying attention. “I’m not into politics” or “I’m not really political” they say before disregarding the offending subject matter. I prefer to use the labels “Shit That Fucking Matters” or “Fucked Up Shit The Government’s Doing” or similarly phrased declarations of Important! Because you’re being screwed. I understand how dull & confusing the shit can be when uninterested, but need I remind y’all about civic duty? I do my best to ‘splain the situation whenever I can, but there are some things that go so far over my head that I can’t even front like I know what’s up. Such is the case with Obama’s stimulus package-stuff. What the hell is going on? The mainstream media keeps telling me it’s socialism, but I learned long ago that “socialism” is just another Boogey Man intended to distract us Average Folk (like “terrorist”, “Communist”, “pacifist”). Lucky for me, there are like-minded ladies on the Web with the knowledge I seek! Follow THIS LINK to What Tami Said & her first post demystifing the Obama budget from a lay-man’s perspective. She breaks it down on the Department of Housing & Urban Development – their chunk of the budget cash, what it’s being spent on, what the White House plans on doing… Thanks for the schoolin’.

 

I fucking love South Park. They always make sure remind us just how fucking ridiculous we actually are by calling out our social quirks with that unrelenting, vulgar tone that I adore so! Peep the clip on Purity Rings, starring the Jonas Brothers & a pissed off Mickey Mouse, CEO.

For fun-zees, watch the Obama Inauguration celebrations in the Park & giggle with me!

the Obama Celebrations in South Park
by paraoliv

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do But For God Sakes, Dude, Quit Whining!

One of my Go To Complaints about the male species is their inability to take emotional trauma in stride. Pretty much any straight guy over the age of 23 has some tale of heartbreak, that One Girl that did them dirty, & dudes refuse to get the fuck over it. Aside from a small hand full of men that are Don Juans or terminal playboys, it seems that they all are damaged goods (to one degree or another).

Guys will carry a torch for their first love well past it’s expiration date & they swear that they are “over her” or they “fucking hate that bitch”, but catch them on one of those good nostalgic drunk evenings & they spill their guts about how they still love her & yadda-yadda. Trust me on this one: there are few things more pathetically heart-wrenching than watching a full grown bloke whimper about his long-lost lover. Witnessing that shit makes you buy into the whole dramatic storyline that this villainess shattered his heart, to no fault of his own, just because she wanted to hurt the poor boy. All you can say in response to his tale of woe is “What a bitch!”

If the afflicted male isn’t the cry-baby type, his first heartbreak might manifest itself as a fear of commitment, the belief that all women are vile & predatory, or the adoption of a “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes & tricks” mentality. None of these outcomes are desirable, since the rest of us females that eventually hang out with, date, or otherwise interact with these emotional cripples have to deal with bullshit we didn’t even cause! Can I get an Amen, sisters?

This is not to say that women never cling to the edifice of a failed relationship or over-dramatize a break-up to epic proportions (I’ve been guilty of that shit before), but it seems to me that women are better at healing their broken hearts & getting on with their lives than men are. Or at least, we’re quicker. I have loved & lost; I’ve been cheated on & been driven to cheating myself; I’ve been publically embarrassed & shamed by a lover; I’ve even lost friends, homes, possessions, and dignity in the process. BUT I haven’t condemned the entire male species for the actions of one (or two) bastards! Maybe I’m an optimist or maybe I’ve taken a healthy approach to heartache & dealt with it, rather than carrying my romantic failings around with me for all eternity. For you male Readers out there in Internet Land, let me explain how that works:

1. Initially, heartbreak fucking hurts & it’s supposed to. Grieve, cry, sulk, MySpace stalk, drive-by her house at odd hours, get piss-ass wasted & drunk dial all you want in the early stages of a break-up. This is totally acceptable behavior for the first couple months. Feel it, Dude.

2. Rid your home of pictures, sentimental items, and mutually acquired possessions. Box ‘um up & hide ‘um away, if you can’t bring yourself to toss the shit out. If you cannot discuss a particular item in your home without mentioning Her, it should be removed from your sight.

3. Divvy up mutual friends. It sucks but everyone eventually has to pick a side. Especially if it’s a messy break-up.

4. DO NOT JUMP INTO A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE IMMEDIATELY, just to dull the pain. Fuck people, Yes! Whore about town all you want! But do not get serious for awhile. It’s not fair to the new girl, you won’t get rid of the baggage from your previous entanglement, & it’s just a Bad Idea.

5. Do your best to acknowledge mistakes you made, because it’s the only way you can improve yourself & avoid a string of Groundhog’s Day relationships. Owning up to your faults is therapeutic & it will keep you from habitually calling your ex a “crazy bitch”. Women are totally turned off by a guy that only has evil shit to say about his former girlfriends. And, it is partially your fault, believe it or not! Even if she fucked her way across the U.S.A. like she was a porn-version of Lewis and Clark, there is something that you could have done better too! 

6. TALK. Find a sympathetic ear & use it ASAP. Sort the shit out with a mate & you won’t feel the need to bring it up in a drunken rant to a stranger later on.

7. Don’t buy into that bullshit about there only being one person out there for you. That “Meant to be”, “Love of my Life” baloney belongs in Hollywood chick-flicks & in fairy tales. Do you realize how many people are out there? Way too many to believe One Love is all we are granted in this life! If you’re lucky, there will be several.

8. If you really were dating a horrible bitch, re-think the type of skirts you’ve been chasing. Don’t fawn over the high maintenance bitches, the slutty bar flies, the physically violent fire crackers, or whatever your poison maybe. Variety is the spice of life, you know?

9. Remember that re-telling your break up story to every female you attempt to bed is not a good pimpin’ strategy. Girls talk & that kind of shit might get back to your ex. You will boost her ego & make yourself look like an ass.. PLUS you probably won’t get laid to boot!

10. Do whatever you have to do to get over it. Really get over it, not just avoid talking about it! Pretending it never happened isn’t healthy, neither is re-living your heartache every time a girl talks to you. Process the pain, evaluate the situation, heal the wounds & move the fuck on. On behalf of the Single Women of the World, I am begging you.

Anal Asshole

There is this dude (or dudette… maybe?) that resides in my hometown of Stockton, California & he is politically, spiritually, and unequivocally opposed to homosexual behavior. Gay marriage, anal sex, and equal adoption policies drive this fella up the wall. I know this because he hand-paints crude and explicit statements expressing his beliefs, then rolls about town with the sign affixed to the back of his truck (complete with American flags, swaying in the breeze). His exercise of free speech is not the Yes on 8! variety of homophobic baloney. It’s obviously-closeted self-hate kind of explicit crap that serves no public interest other than exhibiting how fucking ridiculous people can be. The Sign Guy is a part of the Central Stockton scenery and has been for sometime, because I’ve been aware of his antics for several years now. His Constitutional right to spew his hatefully creepy anti-gay propaganda via truck bed is protected & I respect that. Along the same vein, so is my right to discuss his public displays of homophobic hate speech and mock the ridiculousness of this Anal Asshole’s mindset. Welcome to the first installment of Anal Asshole: Ignorance in Motion.

Picture taken by Ms. sherockmarie (of Cousin fame). Investigative work brought to you by maryjanefoxie & Co. Enterprises.

 

Let us consider the arguments that Anal Asshole brings to the table:

1. Anal – homosex is being taught to children.

2. This is shocking enough to warrant a “Wow” qualifier.

3. That the “Younger & Baby And You” need to be protected from the horrors of Anal –Homosex being taught to children.

4. This sentiment is reflected in the Holy Bible (“the holy fucking bible, Son!”) in Matthew 18:6.

Things that make you go “For reals, dude? You’re, like, serious & shit?”. Just to clarify, Matthew 18:6 reads

“But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (King James Version)

This biblical passage is, according to some, about the physical or sexual abuse of children & how a person that harms the “little ones” is better off dead. Considering this understanding…

5. Anal Asshole thinks that the Anal – homosex threat is harmful to the “little ones” & ought to be punished by death, if possible.

 

I wonder if A.A. read the rest of the gospel of Matthew, or the Bible for that matter. I am a casual observer of the Christian faith and I’m pretty sure that I Anal – homosex isn’t a big theme of the Good Book, what with Forgiveness, Love, and Christ-like behavior being higher on the list of biblical To-Do’s. I’m going to take it a step further with my assumptions and suggest that A.A. has little understanding of how the educational system works in the state of California, since I am clueless as to when he thinks we teach anal –homosex technique to minors (is that what the boys do in the other room during elementary school sex education? We learned about tampons & they got pointers on fucking? What a jip!). Anal Asshole reminds me of these guys…

Or this guy…

I open the subject of Stockton’s Own Anal Asshole: What do you think? Spotted him around town lately? Send me a picture of his latest sign or leave some PFLAG flyers in his truck bed if ever you’re in his Eden Park neighborhood. 

UPDATE: No sign observed tonight. Maybe tonight is his brainstorming evening, devoted to making up his next bigoted bullshit line & painting the new sign. Write that down.

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring…

And I have already tidied up the living quarters (hung up my clothes, even!), washed all the dirty dishes that have been mounting in my sink for the past week (or two?), and busted out the Swiffer for a quick once-over the kitchen floor. I entertained myself for a half-hour or so by watching my neighbor’s domestic spat, that they were kind enough to act out in the middle of the street, directly beneath my huge kitchen windows (they ain’t got shit on my folks!). I’ve sent a few derogatory text messages; I’ve re-painted my toe nails (hot pink); I’ve smoked the two cigarettes I allot myself daily; I’ve enjoyed a few episodes of Veronica Mars (Season Two). All of this & it’s only 6 o’clock! How the fuck do I intend to waste the day’s remaining hours? At the moment, I’m partial to drinking booze & reviewing current events via my blog. So, let’s jump right in…

 

* I’ve already done Burning Man twice. I’ve hit up Hempfest. I was lucky enough to enjoy one afternoon at Seattle’s Reggae on the Waterfront. But DAMN IT! I want to experience South by Southwest! All those commentaries, videos, & what not that lucky folks have been posting from SXSW have really sparked my envy. Next year, I’m doing that. I mean, just look how wiped out Ann & Samhita from feministing are in this Friday Feminist Fuck You from SXSW! Appears to be my kinda’ fun & I am totally down with the sausage-fest of which they speak.

 

*   I’m a little slow on the jump here, but can’t resist pointing out the ridiculousness of the Pope and his opinions about condoms increasing AIDs in Africa. It never ceases to amaze me just how authoritative his Pope-i-ness thinks he really is when it comes to sex, since the man is a life-long abstainer from the deed & he kicks it with similarly afflicted dudes all day. Never the less, Pope Benedict XVI feels he is the dude most qualified to dictate the sexual mores of the Catholic Church without, as far as I know, consulting anyone that actually uses their No-No Parts as God intended. Anyhow, his latest opinion is that the Catholic Church is on the “forefront of the battle against AIDs” because they know that the spread of HIV across the African continent cannot be tamed by distribution of condoms & doing so actually exacerbates the problem. Wow. Did anybody explain to the guy how AIDs, HIV, or sex actually works? Someone should. When more than 22 million people are infected with the HIV virus in Sub-Saharan Africa and 1/5 of the continent’s population are Roman Catholic, it seems awfully callous and ridiculous to diss condoms & claim that a “responsible and moral attitude toward sex” will help fight the disease. Silly, silly naive clergymen! Speak on what you know, Dah-lings! In case a reminder is needed, The Catholic Church ain’t exactly in a position to advocate “moral attitude[s] toward sex”, what with the whole alter boy molestation stuff. Then there was the recent excommunication of priests that supported a nine-year old rape victim’s abortion, even though giving birth to her step father’s twins posed a direct threat to the little girl’s life. That ain’t exactly the morally correct stance, as I see it. PB XVI really oughta’ think about how fucked it is to put religious dogma ahead of people’s lives before spouting this kind of bullshit, y’know? BTW, Is that a drag queen with the Pope?

 

*  Rolling Stone released their list of 100 People That Are Changing America & only a piddly-shit 15 of those 100 people are females (only two of which are women of color). I can agree with the inclusion of Melanie Sloan (#82), founder of Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, and Wafaa El-Sadr (#76), director of the International Center for AIDS Care and Treatment Programs at Columbia University, because these chicas are putting in work for the betterment of humankind. And I’m down with giving it up for Rachel Maddow (#22) since she is not only a top rated female primetime news anchor, but also an out lesbian, making her as rare as they come on American TV & improving the whole representation in the media thang. Ditto for Arianna Huffington (#10) from the Huffington Post, Tina Fey (#8) in the sphere of comedy, and M.I.A. (#11) in the world of pop music. But apparently, country music teen star Taylor Swift (#100) is changing this nation because she behaves her self in public and Kate Winslet (#51) is noted for not fitting the stereotypical Hollywood mold. Wow! These ladies aren’t out-of-control party girl starlets! Let’s give them a fucking Nobel!

 

* And for your comedic amusement… Thank You Fail Blog!