Just when I thought it was safe to quit yammering about politics…

That dip-shit Republican VP candidate, Sarah Palin, has to start spewing stupid bullshit… again.

Last night on NBC Nightly News, Brain Williams asked Palin whether she thought abortion clinic bombers were terrorists. She responded by saying: “I don’t know if your going to use the word ‘terrorist’ there”. WTF? What do you mean ‘I don’t know’? She has been so freakin’ sure about William Ayers being a domestic terrorist, emphasizing his ties to Barack Obama whenever given the chance, but the woman doesn’t know if people that blow up public medical facilities, without regard for the people in or around them, to promote their extreme religious views on abortion are terrorists? The definition of “terrorist” is “a radical who employs terror as a political weapon; usually organizes with other terrorists in small cells; often uses religion as a cover for terrorist activities” (according to Wordnet). People, like the wack-jobs associated with the Army of God, certainly fit the definition! Palin proves my worst fears about her in one fateful sentence: She is not on the ticket for any other reason than to appease the extreme Christian right by appealing to their worst qualities. Why didn’t she just say “Of course clinic bombers are terrorists!”. That wouldn’t offend anyone except the most radical Christian terrorist sympathizers! How dare this woman label herself a feminist or a patriot, when she can’t even acknowledge that bombing a medical facility in this country is a terrorist act against the American people & to do so in the name of one’s religious beliefs makes these loonies no better than the hijackers responsible for 9/11! I am in shock, because I honestly didn’t think a mainstream politician in this day & age could get away with spouting such unbelievable bullshit on national television. Wow. Watch the video:

To clarify, Sarah Palin just identified Ayers as a terrorist for targeting federal buildings, mere symbols of our government, but doesn’t think the label applies to people that target citizens of this country & public facilities used by these citizens. As if the American government & it’s buildings were somehow more sacred than the people living here. Un-fucking-believable.

Let us review her asinine logic:

First, William Ayers, the man she insists on mentioning whenever a mic is in front of her, was a co-founder of the Weather Underground, a radical left organization active in the late 1960’s & early 1970’s. In October of 1969, the Weathermen incited a “riot” in the streets of Chicago, later referred to as the “Days of Rage”, intended to show just how pissed many Americans were about the on-going war in Vietnam. In the words of Ayers himself:

"The Days of Rage was an attempt to break from the norms of kind of acceptable theater of 'here are the anti-war people: containable, marginal, predictable, and here's the little path they're going to march down, and here's where they can make their little statement.' We wanted to say, "No, what we're going to do is whatever we had to do to stop the violence in Vietnam.”

Bill Ayers & his companions kicked of the Days by bombing a statue commemorating the police officers killed in the 1886 Haymarket Riot (I’ll discuss that boon-doggle in another post). The blast blew out a shit load of windows, but harmed no one. The “riot” consisted of (at most) 350 protesters smashing the windows of cars & buildings for a mere four blocks before a police barricade of 1000+ officers splintered the group by using tear gas, billy clubs, pistols, and, on two occasions, ramming police vehicles into the crowd at full speed. The “riot” lasted a half hour.

After Fred Hampton (leader of the Black Panthers) and Mark Clark (B.P. member) were gunned down in their home while sleeping by Chicago police (assisted by the FBI & it’s COINTELPRO ideology), the Weathermen went underground & issued a “Declaration of a State of War”. Then they bombed several unoccupied police vehicles.

The Weather Underground bombed the U.S. Capitol mailroom on March 1, 1970 to “protest the U.S. invasion of Laos”, the women’s bathroom at the Pentagon on May 19, 1972 “in retaliation for the U.S. bombing raid on Hanoi”, and the Harry S Truman Building on January 29, 1975 “in response to escalation in Vietnam”. These actions were preceded by communiqués that provided evacuation warnings & not a single police officer or civilian was killed in the attacks. Read the FBI files on the WUO HERE. The organization took credit for 25 bombings of courthouses and Department of Correction offices, the attacks being retaliation for the murders of various Black Panther inmates at the hands of correctional officers or in response to the murder & assaults during the Attica Prison Riots. In 1970, the Weather Underground accepted $20,000 to break LSD advocate Timothy Leary out of prison & smuggle him to Algeria, which they executed non-violently & were never charged with.

After the Vietnam War ceased, the Weathermen essentially disbanded. The federal government dropped all charges against William Ayers after misconduct on their part surfaced. Ayers went on to pursue a career in education, currently he is a professor at the University of Illinois, Chicago. His work in educational reform led to the fated meeting of Ayers and Obama (a congressman from the state of Illinois). The two served on the board of a community anti-poverty group &, later, Ayers donated to Barack’s re-election fund.  

In the eyes of Sarah Palin, William Ayers is unquestionably a terrorist. In my humble opinion, Ayers took to heart the message in our Declaration of Independence: “to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government.” Certainly the atrocities of the Vietnam War & the civil rights abuses, hell…flat out murders, at the hands of the U.S. government can be considered “destructive” to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. Bombing shit may not have been the most socially acceptable course of action, but voting & peaceful protest wasn’t doing much and I can’t blame anyone for getting frustrated.

Now, on the other end of Sarah Palin’s Terrorist-O-Meter…

Abortion clinic’s have been targets of extremist Christian terrorists since shortly after the Roe v. Wade decision was passed down in 1973. Stalking, kidnapping, murder, attempted murder, assault, arson, clinic bombings, and vandalism have been perpetuated by extreme Christian terrorists in the name of a radical pro-life agenda. Over 200 bombings & arson attacks have been committed since Roe; many of the perpetrators never being tried do to the statute of limitations running out before charges were brought. Still others escaped prison time by pleading not guilty by reason of insanity. The first documented arson occurred in 1976, when an Oregon clinic was attacked by Joseph C. Stockett. Most recently, arson attacks were made on a Virginia clinic in May of 2007 and a New Mexico clinic in December of 2007. A bomb planted in an Austin, Texas clinic in April 2007 was defused by a bomb squad without resulting in injury. All three cases are, as of yet, unsolved.

Beginning in October 1998, abortion clinic terror expanded to include the threat of anthrax attacks. Letters sent to clinics would contain powdery substances & threats that the recipients were going to die by exposure. As of 2002, 654 such letters have been received by clinics nationwide. In 2001 alone, 554 letters were sent out by Clayton Waagner, an escapee of DeWitt County Jail in Illinois & a member of the Army of God. In his own words (as posted on the AOG website):

"So the abortionists don't get the wrong idea, I don't plan on talking them to death. I'm going to kill as many of them as I can.... It doesn't matter to me if you're a nurse, receptionist, bookkeeper, or janitor, if you work for the murderous abortionist I'm going to kill you."

Waagner has since been recaptured & tried for various crimes in several states, including threatening to use weapons of mass destruction and violating the Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances (FACE) Act.

Unlike the Weather Underground’s zero death toll, the Christian extremists responsible for abortion clinic violence have murdered seven people in their quest to “protect life”. The first was Dr. David Gunn of Pensacola, Florida in 1993. He was shot three times, at point blank range, while exiting his car at the Pensacola Women’s Medical Services Clinic by Michael Griffin (now serving a life sentence for murder). Paul Hill, a dedicated anti-abortion advocate, appeared on national television calling Griffin’s action “a justifiable homicide”.

In 1994, 69-year old Dr. John Bayard Britton and his body guard, James H. Barrett, were shot and killed at the Ladies Health Center of Pensacola, Florida by Paul Hill, the same man that spoke on behalf of Michael Griffin a year earlier. Britton’s wife June was also injured in the attack. Hill was executed in 1993 for the murders. Also in 1994, receptionists Shannon Lowney and Leanne Nichols were gunned down at two different clinics in Brookline, Massachusetts by John Salvi. Five others were injured in the attacks. Salvi confessed to a non-lethal attack on a clinic in Norfolk, Virginia committed days before the murders in Massachusetts.He would later commit suicide while serving two life sentences for the murders. In 1998, Officer Robert Sanderson was killed in a clinic bombing in Birmingham, Alabama while working as a security guard. A nurse was also injured. The now-infamous Eric Robert Rudolph, also responsible for the 1996 Atlanta Olympic bombings, was convicted of the crime and is serving a life sentence.

Most recently, in 1998, Dr. Barnett Slepian was shot and killed in his home in Amherst, NY by probably the most prolific anti-abortion terrorist, James Kopp. Slepian was taken out with a high-powered rifle through his kitchen window, in front of his wife and children. James Kopp was placed on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted Fugitive List in 1999, while on the lam throughout Europe. He was eventually captured in France in 2001 and charged with reckless murder with depraved indifference to human life. Kopp has been linked to the shooting of Dr. Garson Romalis of Vancouver, Dr. Hugh Short of Ontario, Dr. Jack Fainman of Manitoba, and an unnamed physician in Rochester, NY.  

The Army of God is the extreme pro-life version of al Qaeda. It is an underground network of domestic terrorists who believe that the use of violence is appropriate and acceptable as a means to end abortion. The first mention of the Army & it’s mission is thought to have occurred in 1982, when clinic arsonists, Don Benny Anderson and brothers Matthew and Wayne Moore kidnapped an Illinois abortion provider and his wife. In 1984, the organization sent death threats to Supreme Court Justice Harry Blackmun and took credit for several clinic bombings, as well as bomb attacks on the National Abortion Federation and the ACLU offices. James Kopp, Eric Robert Randolph, and Clayton Waagner have identified themselves as AOG members (Kopp is even mentioned in the group’s manual, under it’s Special Thanks section). Other key members of the AOG include Michael Bray a.k.a. the “Chaplain” (a man that has been jailed for clinic bombings and publically applauds similar actions taken by others), Neal Horsley ( head of the American Coalition of Life Activists, the host of the now-defunct Nuremberg Files website which posted the name, addresses, phone numbers & personal information of abortion providers with the injured ones highlighted & the murdered ones stricken out, and the Abortion Cams site located HERE, which posts photographs and video of patients, staff and physicians entering and exiting clinics), Shelley Shannon (convicted arsonist & serving time for the 1993 attempted murder of Dr. George Tiller, also referenced in the Special Thanks section of the AOG manual), and Donald Spitz (the host of the AOG’s website, located HERE).

How Sarah Palin can see a gray area with regards to the terrorist actions of these people is beyond me. Visit anyone of the sites I’ve linked to & I’m sure you would agree. I know this post has been long & rather detailed, but the point had to be made. William Ayers is constantly vilified for his actions against a corrupt government waging an unjust war in Vietnam. Sarah Palin has made sure you know his name & understand he is, in fact, a domestic terrorist.  Yet the Army of God, Eric Randolph, Paul Hill, James Kopp … Governor Sarah Palin would not use the word “terrorist” to describe them. I wonder, what would she call them?

I tell you all the time, It’s none of your business!

The newest means of attacking women’s reproductive rights in this country of ours is to promote the idea that pharmacists have the right to morally object to dispensing the contraceptives their customers seek. While some may argue that a business owner is allowed the power to pass such judgments & withhold birth control or morning after pills, I must point out the fact that pharmacists have a duty to the public. They are licensed by the state. They are given the power to legally dispense drugs by the state & have a virtual monopoly on the industry granted to them by the state. Therefore, if the contraceptive in question is legal in the state they practice in, they must be required to distribute the pharmaceutical to citizens of that state. Otherwise, they are not fulfilling the duty that the state (and it’s residents) expects them to & the privilege of running a pharmacy that receives Medi-Cal payments or other state sponsored health benefit payments should be revoked. The government should not be allowed to distribute our tax dollars to pharmacies that refuse to service the entire community. Just like we don’t give federal or state monies to educational institutions that discriminate based on race or gender and we don’t give religious institutions special tax-exempt status if they are used as political machinery, we should not financially support businesses that discriminate based on the fertility status of one’s uterus or those businesses being used as obvious political tools. As health care professionals, pharmacists have accepted the responsibility to help patients, regardless of their personal takes on the patient’s prescriptions. They are the only folks able to dole out the meds & that shouldn’t make them gate-keepers to America’s fertility options.

Besides, it’s just plain shitty to be a Contraceptive Nazi. It’s discrimination towards women, since there isn’t an effective male pill @ this point & that leaves us gals as the victims in this situation (unless you count the guys that get screwed into fathering an unwanted child because their partners don’t have access to birth control pills). After all, a hell of a lot of women in this country are on one B.C. form or another, 95% of American women use contraceptives @ some point during their breeding years and 50% of them use pharmaceutical methods.* The World Health Organization & slews of other national & international health groups have identified access to birth control as a critical component of basic health care for women. That being said, don’t you think it is a total dick-move to ignore the basic needs of such a large group of people? Besides medicinal marijuana users, who else would face this kind of crap? Nearly every state has a law on the books to protect citizens from sex discrimination when they seek goods or services in establishments that serve the public. Pharmacies are such a place & denying women B.C. is clearly a violation of these protections.

It’s discrimination against poorer women & those in rural areas, that might mot have the means to travel elsewhere to get their prescriptions filled. Some insurance plans require women to use specific pharmacies if their prescriptions are to be covered & if the woman is forced to get her pills from another pharmacy, she’ll pay an arm & a leg (maybe a fetus). Po’ folks ain’t got the budget for that kind of bullshit. Since 1994, unintended pregnancy rates have shot up by 29% for poor American women and they are now four times as likely to have an unplanned pregnancy, five times as likely to have an unintended birth, and more than three times as likely to have an abortion than her wealthier counterparts.** Is it really a great idea to further limit their access to contraceptives? That would only increase the number of unwanted children & abortions among the lower economic classes, all because some dick thinks the pill is a slight against God! WTF? 

It’s discrimination against rape victims in need of the 72-hour pill, against ladies that were unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of a broken condom’s leakage, and it’s discrimination against the many citizens that might need emergency contraceptives because the risky lovin’ of last night just wasn’t worth it this morning. EC’s effectiveness decreases with time (it’s most potent taken 12 hours after the ‘security breach’) and if a pharmacist denies a patient’s request, they effectively increase the possibility that she will become pregnant against her will. Sort of ‘Second Hand Rape’, if you will. The truth is, sometimes a bitch gotta’ get her E.C. on & who the fuck do these pharmacists think they are to decide when & if she get’s knocked up? If we don’t condone husbands, boyfriends, families, or rapists dictating the reproductive status of women in this country, we sure as fuck shouldn’t allow some glorified drug pusher to do so.

And that’s what the fuck I’m talking about.

* According to Planned Parenthood

** According to The Guttmacher Institute

Here’s femininsting’s latest Friday Feminist Fuck You addressing the subject (the source of this post’s inspiration, by the way). Can I just say how fitting using Salt n’ Pepa’s “None of Your Business” at the close of this vlog is?:

And for further information on the topic & what you can do about it, peep the following sites.

ACLU's Reproductive Freedom's Page

The Guttmacher Institute

The Center for Reproductive Rights

Planned Parenthood

The National Women's Law Center

Slacker Uprising & The Youth Vote

Michael Moore’s latest expose on American politics, titled Slacker Uprising, has been released on the internet HERE. The flick is free to watch and download, so there is little reason NOT to see the damned thing. Moore’s film focuses on his attempt to mobilize the 18-29 year old demographic during the 2004 Presidential Election with a tour of college campuses across the nation. Moore recognized the power of the young buck voter & how we are untouched by the Reagan Era politics of our parents, therefore we are more likely to vote as Lefties. This upcoming election promises to prove to the rest of the nation just how right Moore is about that. Basically, George Bush’s presidency has scared the shit out of us & forced our political awakening. This time around, the Democrats listened & have given us a candidate we can get excited about. If any of y’all are still on the fence or are still apathetic about the election, let’s review the candidate’s positions on the shit we care about, that way you don’t waste your vote! Or worse yet, assume it doesn’t matter as so many falsely did in the last Presidential election. 

**** The Economy: fuck the stock market & even the housing market, since most of us don’t have investments or property. BUT we are affected by unemployment or under-employment, dwindling federal & state financial aid for students, and budget cuts to other social programs we depend on to keep our heads above water (See an interesting take on the financial crisis from the POV of a fellow broke American HERE to see what I mean) . What are the candidate’s planning on doing for us in the lower echelons of the economic ladder?

Obama / Biden:  According to an analysis of his tax plan by the Tax Policy Center, Obama would cut taxes on the 95 percent of filers who make less than $227,000 per year and raise taxes on the 5 percent whose incomes exceed that amount. Compared with current policy, Obama's tax plan would increase government revenues by $627 billion over the next 10 years. Obama has criticized globalization that "favors only the few" and has called for amending NAFTA, if necessary, in order to protect American workers. He also favors closing tax loopholes that reward companies that offshore jobs, supporting firms that create U.S. jobs and improving transitional assistance for workers displaced by foreign trade. Also, the Boys in Blue advocate a $50 billion emergency economic stimulus plan. The money would go toward 1 million jobs for rebuilding infrastructure and schools, and helping local governments avoid budget cuts. The plan would create a $25 billion "Jobs and Growth Fund" to invest in infrastructure, such as roads and bridges, and to save jobs. He also called for a temporary lifting of taxes on unemployment insurance benefits as a way of giving more relief to families, a suspension on tax penalties for early withdrawal of retirement funds, and an immediate extension of unemployment insurance for an additional 13 weeks to help families that are being hit hardest by the downturn. Barack Obama’s camp also proposes a Homeowner and Financial Support Act. "First, it will provide capital to the financial system. Second, it will provide liquidity to enable our financial markets to function. And third, it will do what I've been calling for since I supported legislation on it early last spring, which is to get serious about helping struggling families to restructure their mortgages on more affordable terms so they can stay in their homes," he said during a September speech. In his own words…

 

McCain / Palin: McCain would make Bush's "temporary" tax cuts on the wealthiest Americans permanent. His plan would cut taxes on top earners by $23,000 per year. He would cut taxes for all other Americans as well, but his cuts would only be deeper than Obama's for those earning between $112,000 and $227,000 -- about 20 percent of the population. Compared with current policy, McCain's tax plan would decrease government revenues by $595 billion over the next 10 years, meaning that new spending cuts would be necessary to avoid growing the deficit even larger. He supports current trade policy & insists that trade is all about opportunity, that NAFTA has had an "unambiguously" positive impact on the U.S. economy, and that the status quo must be continued. McCain has called for the creation of a Mortgage and Financial Institutions Trust (MFI) to help companies avoid bankruptcy while protecting their customers. The money would also help consumers restructure loans so they can keep their homes. During the second presidential debate on October 7, McCain unveiled a proposal aimed to ease mortgage troubles for many Americans. The plan would direct the federal government to buy up bad mortgage loans from banks and homeowners. They then would be converted into low-interest loans insured by the Federal Housing Administration. He proposes that withdrawals from tax preferred accounts -- IRAs and 401(k)s -- should be taxed at the lowest rate of 10 percent in 2008 and 2009. The policy would apply to the first $50,000 withdrawn from such accounts each year. He suggested ending the taxation of unemployment insurance benefits for 2008 and 2009 and proposes increasing the amount of capital losses which can be used in tax years 2008 and 2009 to offset ordinary income from $3,000 to $15,000 and reducing in the maximum tax rate on long term capital gains to 7.5 percent in 2009 and 2010. If you don’t know what a “capital loss” is, this plan doesn’t apply to your broke ass. The Senator’s thoughts on the economy…

**** The War in Iraq: Since it’s our peers over there fighting this Rich Man’s War, what exactly do these guys plan to do as Commander in Chief, when they hold the lives of these men & women in their hands?

                   Obama / Biden: From the beginning, Barack opposed the use of military force in Iraq. The Obama campaign says their proposed schedule of withdrawal would remove them from Iraq within 16 months and be complete by summer 2010, but would maintain a residual force to perform specific missions in Iraq, like targeting remnants of al Qaeda, protecting U.S. service members and diplomats, and supporting Iraq's security forces. He has pledged to commit $2 billion toward an international effort to support the more than 4 million displaced Iraqis & has made it clear that the United States seeks no permanent military bases in the region. Obama has helped pass laws designed to assist homeless veterans and improve care for wounded veterans. He has received an 80 percent approval rating from the Disabled Veterans of America and a B+ rating from Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America.

 

                   McCain / Palin: McCain has famously declared that the United States will remain in Iraq until "victory" is achieved -- even if it takes another 100 years.He has long refused to name target dates for troop withdrawals, claiming that it would be tantamount to giving terrorists a timeline for defeat. More recently on the campaign trail, however, he has claimed that Iraq can be "won" by 2013. Still, he has said he reserves the right to reassess the situation upon taking office. McCain's record on veterans' issues is abysmal. He was given a D rating from the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America, and the Disabled American Veterans reports that he has voted for legislation benefiting veterans only 20 percent of the time. McCain voted against health care funding for veterans in 2003, '04, '05, '06 and '07. And unlike Obama, McCain refused to support the Webb GI Bill, which was critical to ensuring that soldiers who enlisted with the hope of eventually going to college would be able to do so. Check out this Oops! Moment where he admits it’s all about oil…

*** Health Care: I don’t know about you, but I’m piss-ass scared to get sick! That is simply something that I cannot afford. Since I live in such a wealthy nation, my fear shouldn’t be ok with the candidates. Right?

                 Obama / Biden: Obama has stated that he believes health care should be a right. Obama's plan would drastically reduce the number of uninsured (from 47 million to about 18 million) and would require children to be covered. Obama would create an additional social safety net: a public health plan that would give people without access to insurance through an employer or entitlement program like Medicare guaranteed coverage with the same comprehensive benefits that members of Congress now enjoy. He estimates the cost at between $50 billion and $65 billion, to be paid for by eliminating Bush tax cuts for those earning over $250,000. His plan would allow Americans to purchase medicines from other developed countries if the drugs are safe and prices are lower than outside the United States. Says he would repeal the ban that prevents the U.S. from negotiating with drug companies.

                 McCain / Palin: McCain has stated that health care is a responsibility. McCain's plan would have little effect on the uninsured population. He would place a $3.6 trillion tax on workers over the next 10 years and use revenue from that tax to give people a credit ($2,500 for individuals and $5,000 for families) to purchase insurance on the open market. The trouble is, the average family policy costs $12,000, and it's much harder for an individual to negotiate good prices than an employer. His plan would increase awareness and promote the use of existing children's health insurance programs while expanding community health centers & he says he would foster greater competition in the drug markets "through safe re-importation of drugs and faster production of generic drugs."

Kicking Out The Jams: Election ‘08 Edition

The upcoming Presidential election has transfixed this Bush-battered nation & collectively focused our attention on political matters like nothing I’ve ever witnessed in all my 26 years on Earth. Much to my amusement, slews of Americans (and a European) have been expressing their political perspectives in song and posting their efforts online for our viewing pleasure! Here are a few I’ve come across:

Hey Sarah Palin: Sung to the tune of “Hey Delilah”

 

The Sarah Palin Song: A creepy come-on, sort-of

Sarah Palin Remix: The cartoon makes this video barable

That One: This made me giggle

Me and John McCain: What is really going on here? A bit Brokeback Mountian?

I Got It From Obama: This is a European import, so excuse the odd wording & verb conjigation.

You Rock, Barack! The whole fam’ is involved here.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

M.C. Cain in tha House: as preformed by M.C. Cain and DJ GW

Sarah Palin: A Life in Song

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

The Ballad of Sarah Palin: Funny re-cap of the Palin mythology

Something Worth Voting For – A ditty about political frustration in general.

George Bush Sings a Whateva’ Song – a shout out to Still President Dubya.

Vampires:

By far the coolest mythical menace, the Vampire is a staple of any decent Halloween celebration or scary movie night. In my opinion, the vamp is quite possibly the world's most perfect villain! Undoubtedly evil, blood-thirsty, undead night stalkers with the ability to seduce their victims? That is pimp, y'all! They have the option of converting their prey into one of their peers or just snacking on the poor bastard, plus their immortality and the ability to fly? It don't get much better than this when it comes to mythological monsters. If I were to be any mythological being (other than the Phoenix of X-Men comic fame, of course), I'd be a vampire because they are sexy, deadly, powerful, and completely unremorseful. The perfect villain - he will swoop on your girl, suck her blood, take her as his immortal bride, kick your ass, and then clown you for crying about it 'cause he don't give a fuck, all before sun up. In a suit. Looking like a pimp. 

The vampire exists in the folklore of nearly every culture to date; from the Babylonian demon Lilitu to the Dearg-due of Ireland, there's the infamous Slavic and Romanian bloodsuckers and the lesser-known Jiang Shi of Chinese tales, Central America has the chupacabra, and even colonial North America has it's own version, the loogaroo, to spook it's citizenry. Vampires even have origins in the Judeo-Christian tradition. Lilith, a winged vampire of Jewish mythology, was the original woman, Adam's first wife, who refused to take a subservient role in her marriage and eventually became feared as a child-killing demoness (see illustration below). 

                                                  

It is believed that the vampire mythology was used by pre-industrial societies to explain the process of death and decomposition. Swollen corpses oozing blood from the nose and mouth, recognized in modern times as decomposing as they should, were not as easily explained earlier eras. Tuberculosis and bubonic plague sometimes produced symptoms, like blood appearing on the lips of the dead, that added to the folklore surrounding vampires. Like any other myth, vampire tales also served the psychological needs of a society. Death, being one of life's greatest mysteries and one of humanity's greatest preoccupations, was personified by vampire creatures and it's tangible form helped individuals deal with their loss by giving it an explanation, by laying blame on something real. Vamps are also a clear personification of humanity's dark & evil side. Instead of providing for & protecting loved ones like a good live human should, the vampire feeds on them & causes them pain (like a bad or shitty relative will do).

The vampire of modern pop culture derives most of it's attributes from tales popularized in Eastern Europe during the 18th century, when a wave of hysteria swept through the region and into Western Europe. The widespread belief in vampires during this period prompted stakings, public executions of suspected vampires, government sponsored vamp hunts, and international speculation about the existence of undead bloodsuckers. Scores of books, reports, and treatises were published on the subject and, in addition to the accounts preserved in local folklore, passed the Slavic/Romanian vampire legend on to future generations as the predominant Vamp mythology throughout the European continent.

                                                         

This villainous vampire of popular lore was described as a dark-toned ruddy-complected menace, dressed in it's linen burial shroud, with somewhat longer hair, teeth, and nails than the vamp was buried with. Some were reported to change into dogs, bats, moths, wolves, spiders, or rats. Various cultures pictured their vamps differently. Transylvanian vampires were pale in color & had exceptionally long finger nails. Moravian vamps only attacked in the nude. The bloodsuckers in Albania wore high heeled shoes and Bulgarian ones had only one nostril.

                                                          

Since nobody wanted a post-burial visit from their undead loved ones, people developed many superstitious practices to avoid such a situation. Burying the corpse upside down was a common deterrent to revival of the corpse, as was the practice of leaving scythes or sickles at the grave site. Tendons were cut at the knees to prevent locomotion should the dead wake. Romanians shot a bullet through the corpse in coffin as a precaution against reanimation and Gypsy's drove stakes through the legs of the deceased to ensure it's fixed position. Poppy seeds & millet were scattered at grave sites because folks believed vampires would be preoccupied with collecting the small seeds all night, instead of feasting on the living. If these preventative measures didn't deter the rise of undead bloodsuckers, folks fell back on tons of other methods of protection. Obviously symbols of the Church were useful (the rosary, the cross, holy water, a crucifix). Garlic, wild rose, and mustard seed were commonly used to secure one's residence from vamp intrusion. Above all, staking a vamp was considered the best means of elimination; most often through the heart, although Russians & Germans targeted the mouth, while Serbians staked the stomach. If all else failed, the bodies of suspected vamps in Europe would be dismembered & the funerals would be repeated, sort of like Dead Do-Overs.

                                                               

Vampire mythology received a major make-over in 1819 with the publication of The Vampyre, by John Polidori. This short story portrayed it's vamp as a high-society, suave, tormented ladies-man praying on the elite. In 1897, Bram Stroker's Dracula was published & it has defined "vampire" ever since. It was in these two works that the Vampire received some it's most identifiable characteristics: the fangs, the vulnerability to sun light, the high collared cloak, it's lack of reflection in mirrors, and eternal life.

                                                                         

If your looking for a little Vampire content this Halloween season, let me offer the following cinematic suggestions: The Lost Boys (The Coreys? Keifer Sutherland? As good as it gets circa 1987), From Dusk Till Dawn (written by Q.Tarantino), Underworld (but NOT it's shitty sequel), Blade (not it's shitty sequels either), Bram Stoker's Dracula (Winona Ryder & Gary Oldman should gross me out, but it doesn't somehow), Once Bitten (early, back-in-the-day, before Ace Ventura Jim Carrey), and, of course, everyone's favorite Valley Girl slayer, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Starring Kristy Swanson). HBO's new show, True Blood, ain't too bad either & is worth looking into.  Avoid John Carpenter's Vampires because it sucked (the fat Baldwin is in it). Trust me!

Zombies and You: A Beginner's Manual & Survival Guide

I’ve been thinking a lot about zombies lately. Tis' the season, I suppose. The Undead have been running around in my head partially because I’ve been watching too many zombie flicks lately and partially because I’ve felt very much like an undead creature roaming the Earth mindlessly, propelled forth by only base survival instincts. While I haven't yet developed a craving for brains or human flesh, I have become practically dead to the world & am only motivated into action when starvation becomes a real threat. I can't seem to find the will to do a damn thing. If that's not zombie-esque, I don't know what is. If this cloud of crappiness doesn't blow over soon, I'm going to hit up the Taco Truck for some of those cabeza tacos & see if feasting on the brains of cows has any effect on my condition. Sick, huh? I can't help where my mind goes when my mood is this dark. You should hear the analogies I come up with when I'm really fucking angry. Talk about sick thoughts...

Anyhow, I've been thinking about zombies from many angles; the mythology, symbolism, the films that have scared the shit out of me & the ones that have made me double-over with laughter, my zombie escape plans in case of emergency, the possible outcomes of a zombie apocalypse, and of course Leslie Hall's call to arms "Zombie Killer". Since I'm all for preparedness in mythical situations, I've compiled my best (?) thoughts on the subject so that you might take them into account before an emergency catches you off guard. Nobody wants to be the jackass left to fend for herself come Z-Day, right? I suggest you take notes.

• In every single zombie movie I've ever seen, there is at least one character that is bitten & he or she manages to conceal the fact until it's almost too late. The character knows full well that they will inevitably turn into a man-munching monster, but they hide their injuries from their companions without regard for the danger they expose everyone to. Whether inspired to withhold information by the fear of un-death, by the duty to protect fellow survivors from immediate harm, or by some unknown motivating factor, these Idiots will turn into Z-boys/girls immediately after the protagonists have overcome some major hurtle. This is a give-in plot twist in any z-flick (with the exception of 28 Days Later). Just when you think it's safe to breathe calmly, this quiet mother-fucker in the corner flips his lid & starts chowing down on your mates! Example A: In Dawn of the Dead, the pregnant lady is infected & shielded by her husband because he wants have a family, undead or otherwise. The result is one of the most nauseating birthing scenes in cinematic history, complete with a zombie infant, that begs the question: WTF? How the hell did the injuries of Preggo go unnoticed? Wouldn't you feel obligated to check on the pregnant lady every once in awhile? Example B: In Shaun of the Dead, Shaun's mother conceals a bite for most of the movie until it is discovered just as the masses of zombies threaten to penetrate the survivor's barricades. Even though there are slews of undead interlopers to worry about, Shaun & his nemesis,David, squabble about blasting the old biddy until she lunges at Shaun & is met with a shotgun blast to the face. Shaun's mother undergoes the slowest transformation into zombie-dom of the entire film, just so the flick could accommodate this necessary plot twist, I suppose. Example C: Resident Evil Extinction has it's wacky, off-color, Black Guy character, L.J., get bit early in the movie, but he doesn't turn until much later when a zombie attack forces him into a truck with the movie's token damsel-in-distress. She saves his ass by blasting an attacker with a shotgun, only to have L.J. flip the script on her moments later. CONCLUSION? Let us learn something from the predictable plot devices of Hollywood's horror genre: In the event of a zombie attack/outbreak/invasion, force all of your travel companions to strip down periodically so that you might check for gnaw marks. Define "periodically" by the rate at which bite victims have been observed to change. If any individual appears to have sustained a wound, shoot that mother fucker. You'll thank me later.
• White people hijacked the Zombie myth. It's origins are found in Voodoo teachings, in the Afro-Caribbean tradition, it comes from Haiti, the Dominican Republic, and Southern Louisiana's Creole regions. This being the case, how come zombie movies are almost entirely cast with white folk? Always one token funny black guy or sassy strong black girl in a cast of blond, blue-eyed Anglos. I guess it makes it easier to see when a person has gone from feeling fine to flesh-eating if they are white. Skin discoloration is put on blast when the skin lacks color to begin with, I guess. This is the fatal flaw of the sole African-American character in the original Night of the Living Dead. He manages to survive the zombies that have taken down all his homies, only to be gunned down by cops that assume he is undead at the end of the film. When I started thinking about the subject of race & Zombies, I sought the insight of the Internet's many nerds (See video located HERE for an example of these folks). They had a lot to say about the lack of racism in zombie flix, but I'd guess that race-based prejudices wouldn't be on the fore front of one's brain during the zombie apocalypse so it would be difficult to include racist themes in such a film. That doesn't mean that racism "does not exist" in the genre, because even a passing glance at the casts of these movies suggests at least a preference for white actors. Come to think of it...ever seen an non-Zombie Asian in one of them? CONCLUSION? When Z-Day arrives, pray that your tan is in remission. If you are darker in skin tone, you should take up constant singing and/or moving about in an obviously un-zombie like fashion to avoid being misdiagnosed by the trigger-happy. Seek out the biggest bigots you know & laugh as they come to the bitter realization that the only difference that really matters is "Infected or Not", just as they are torn to shreds by their former white-bred, God-fearing, Christian hetero-normative suburban neighbors.
• To kill a zombie you've got to destroy it's brain. Or burn it's body into submission. Choosing a weapon for this task is easy if you are blessed with super-human abilities like Alice from the Resident Evil series - anything works when you're Queen Kick Ass. The muscled type are also easy to outfit, since they have the ability to knock heads clean off of necks if they need to. What about us layfolk? I can't imagine that it's easy for someone like me to ram a crowbar or a butcher knife through skull bone when I have difficulty opening jam jars and scooping ice cream. In films, shotguns seem to be the weapon of choice. A shotgun will blow a fucking hole through the Z's skull, so there is no question about whether it's dead or not, but I doubt a weakling like myself could weald a shotgun without months of training in advance. Plus, the re-load is a bitch. There is always the chainsaw, but short folk might want to skip it due to the danger associated with jumping (to reach a Z's dome) & operating a chain saw. In films, huge guns that usually come with plenty of kick on the rebound are wielded by waifs, which might mislead gals into having false confidence in their gun-blastin' abilities. On the other hand, that whole damsel-in-distress bullshit won't fly either. You maybe chillin' with the baddest mo' fo' & his impressive arsenal, but once he's downed by a gang of the undead you're fucked. Tiny Tina's should stock up on light-weight guns, flame throwing mechanisms, and long-distance weaponry like grenades or Molotov cocktails. Burning the body maybe a more realistic goal for those of us not familiar with guns. Plus, you'll look like a real bad ass when you engulf a zombie click in flames, then light your Parliament on your flamethrower. CONCLUSION? Be realistic about weapon choice, because a gun ain't worth shit if you can't shoot straight. Don't entirely depend on brawny armed males because they make for scary, muscle-bound Zombies later. Always carry a working Bic, because you never know when you'll need a light.
• I have a couple pieces of common sense advice for you that are all too often over looked by those under zombie attack. First, shut the fucking door behind you. You weren't born in a barn, idiot. If you're dealing with the slow & stupid zombies of the early undead era, a closed door is all you'll need to protect your brains from becoming breakfast. If you're faced with the faster & stronger menace of the modern age, at least the closed door will buy you some time. Second, hesitation when offing the Zombies formerly known as your friends & family is the number one killer of Americans in zombie films. Don't get all emotional & nostalgic! Just recall the bad times, like when Big Sister fed your Barbie to the neighbor's dog or when your Best Friend slept with that guy you had a crush on in high school. Makes it much easier to bust a cap in that ass when you remember why they're Bitches any ways. Third, standing in front of windows is not a good idea & if you insist on doing so while lecturing your companions, you will be pounced upon by an undead passerby. That's just the way it is. See any Z-flick for an example. Three rules to live by, y'all. Believe that.

Finally, before taking on any undead crisis, you've got to get in the mood. Gotta' be feelin' it, y'know? That's why Leslie Hall's Zombie Killer is already on my Mp3 player...just in case. Watch the video now, because you won't have time to wait for the mo' fo' to finish loading when zombies actually hit the scene!

 

Election ‘08: What’s on the ballot? Part II

Let’s pick up where we left off in reviewing November’s ballot propositions, because the remaining handful of ridiculousness is too entertaining to ignore.

                                                            

Proposition 7: Renewable Energy Generation

Us California citizens tend to be a hop, skip, and a jump ahead of other Americans with regards to environmental matters & green energy policies, but that means very little in the face of impending global climate change. I believe this realization is at the heart of Proposition 7, which would force government-owned utilities to generate 20% of their own power by 2010 (like privately owned electric companies are already required to do), 40% by 2020, and 50% by 2025. Prop 7 also improves the speed at which state permits to build new renewable energy plants are approved. Sounds pretty good, eh? Every rose has it’s thorn, I suppose, because Proposition 7 has it’s fair share of opponents, including California’s Chamber of Commerce, the Farm Bureau, and the Labor Federation; the League of Women Voters, the Sierra Club, and surprisingly all the major statewide political parties: Green, Libertarian, Democratic, and Republican. Why all the opposition to thinking green with Proposition 7? One argument is that small providers of renewable energy, which currently supply 60% of the state’s mandated enviro-friendly energy, would be shoved out of the market by a “competition elimination” provision in the initiative. Basically, the state would not count any power generated by facilities smaller than 30 megawatts towards the utility company’s mandated renewable energy quota, so why would they even bother buying from the lil’ guys? Another problem dissenters have with Prop 7 is the worrisome 10% cost cap provision that prevents price gouging by privately-owned & investor-owned companies, but does not apply to government-owned utilities. Initially, the cost of generating sufficient solar, water, & wind power will be higher than the costs associated with fossil fuel usage (building facilities & such), so I suppose the state is trying to re-coop the losses by giving themselves free reign on price fixing. But what happens when the price of solar or wind power decreases? Will the state pass the savings on to the consumer? Not likely. Now, Economics is not my strong suit, but as I understand it, Prop 7 would allow certain energy providers associated with the state to set electricity prices, without regard to the actual cost of goods provided, in a state that suffered from rolling blackouts & skyrocketing utility costs as a result of our last great energy plan (what the fuck is a power grid? I still don’t understand that crap.). I’m gonna’ have to side with…well, practically everyone…and oppose Proposition 7. I’m not comfortable with a government re-vamp of energy policy that is hostile to small businesses and California’s consumers so quickly after The Energy Crisis that Sacramento has yet to take responsibility for. After all, PG&E admitted to over-charging Californians for electricity in state hearings without much response or outrage from our legislators & it’s hard to imagine they’d be more pro-active about regulating their own profit margins for our sake.

                                                                     

Proposition 8: Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples To Marry

How anyone can be pro-Prop 8 after reading it’s title aloud is beyond me. It says right there: “Eliminates Right”. California is in a bad way when we start explicitly revoking rights from our citizens. How very un-patriotic. Proposition 8 would amend the state Constitution to specify that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid in California. The initiative is by far the most irrational knee-jerk response-proposition on the ballot, as exhibited by it’s meager three paragraph legislative analysis in the Official Voter’s Guide. Proponents of this gay marriage ban state in the Guide that the issue is about “preserving marriage; it’s not an attack on the gay lifestyle". This should clearly illustrate what type of folks are advocating Prop 8… hate-mongering, fag fearing, gender conformists and religious zealots that haven’t realized how un-Christian exclusion and hate actually are. If we were to define marriage as an institution strictly reserved for one man and one woman, we are gonna’ have a whole lot more defining to do. Who exactly is considered a Woman? What are the qualifications? Correct genitalia? Breasts? Child-bearing capabilities? Is a penis the determining factor for male classification? Or do the balls also count? Since the state Constitution guarantees equity under the law, would a gay marriage ban also eliminate the right of straight couples to marry? The anti-gay crusaders behind Prop 8 also claim the initiative “protects our children from being taught in public schools that ‘same sex marriage’ is the same as traditional marriage”. There are so many things wrong with that statement; I cannot believe I read that shit in the official Argument in Favor. First and foremost, I am sick of these people that mistake California for Texas or South Dakota or some other state in the grasp of Evangelical hysteria. Here in California, we don’t use our state Constitution to label certain residents as second-class citizens. We also don’t aspire to use our educational institutions to promote bigotry and ignorance. Secondly, we don’t cave to panic-stricken moral crusaders in Cali, because unlike states in the Bible Belt, California’s lawmakers do not depend on the religious vote to win elections or the Christian Right to fund campaigns. They have plenty of secular donors and voters to be A-OK without the clergy’s endorsement and are often better off without it. Finally, when proposed legislation is so clearly based on the religious dogma of certain churches (I have yet to hear a secular argument in support of Prop 8. You?), it’s obviously a violation of the separation of church and state that is so important in a free society. That being said, I’d like to ask all of those self-righteous folks that are so concerned with matters like this to move the fuck out of here & quit embarrassing me with your public displays of homophobia. After all, we’ve got a right to protect our children from being taught that state-endorsed inequality is morally sound as long as the person is gay.

                                                                

Proposition 9: Criminal Justice System. Victim’s Rights. Parole.

Here’s another sneaky initiative that seems great & necessary at first glance, but closer inspection leads me to another opinion altogether. Proposition 9 requires notification to victims of crime and grants them opportunity for input during phases of criminal justice proceedings (such as bail, plea, sentencing, and parole hearings) and mandates that they receive a written copy of their rights as victims. Prop 9 also increases the number of people allowed to speak at such hearings on the victim’s behalf, reduces the number of parole hearings that prisoners are entitled to, and establishes victim safety as a consideration in determining bail or release on parole. Under current law, victim’s rights are laid out in the state’s Constitution, the Victims of Crime Resource Center is funded with tax dollars so that the information is available to those that need it, victims have the right to know about & participate in parole hearings and sentencing, and our parole system is already one of the most strict in the nation. Proposition 9 seems like it was drafted by someone unfamiliar with the current criminal justice system. After reading the literature on both sides of the fence (in print & online), I can’t see why Proposition 9 is necessary.

Proposition 10: Alternative Fuel Vehicles and Renewable Energy

This one allows the state to issue$5 billion in GO bonds for various renewable energy, alternative fuel, energy efficiency, and air emissions reduction purposes. The bond money will provide $3.4 billion for financial incentives to purchase or lease high fuel economy vehicles and dedicated clean alternative fuel vehicles (primarily rebates for trucks and other medium- and heavy-duty vehicles) and $1.6 billion to fund research, design, development, and deployment of renewable electricity generating technology. These bonds will cost the state about $10 billion in principal & interest payments over the next 30 years, plus an additional $10 million per year (for the next 10 years) to operate Prop 10 programs. Since I don’t make nearly enough scratch to purchase a new hybrid or fuel efficient pickup truck and the masses statewide are in a bleak financial state, I’m not sure it’s the time to waste cash on convincing well-to-do car buyers that they should go green. Give them a tax credit on their state income tax returns instead of taking out loans that cost taxpayers billions in interest.

                                                    

Proposition 11: Redistricting

Gerrymandering is the dirty little secret that all incumbent politicians want us to ignore and as long as they get to preside over redistricting every 10 years without any public scrutiny or independent oversight, we might ignore their naughty ways for many years to come. You see, every decade a census is taken and political districts are reorganized to compensate for changes in the size of the population. In the House of Representatives, the state Legislature, and the State Board of Equalization, representation is based on population size. More people = more representatives. Politicians intent on keeping their jobs are in charge of drawing up these new districts & it’s not uncommon for them to create custom made voter support by drawing their districts in a way that includes lots of their supportive and excludes people likely to oppose their future campaigns. Prop 11 tries to rectify this conflict of interest by establishing an independent panel, the Citizens Redistricting Commission, to draft redistricting plans. To be a commissioner on this panel, you can’t have been a candidate for federal or state office, you can’t have worked as a lobbyist, and you can’t have made a political donation of $2000 or more in a single year to any political candidate. Prop 11 also sets forth rules about dividing cities, counties, and neighborhoods into multiple districts; mandates the preservation of geographically compact districts (rather than those illustrated below); and forces the Commission’s proposal to be presented to the public in the form of open hearings where public comment will be accepted. This initiative is a long time coming, people. Seems dull & unimportant, but if you ever wondered why shitty politicians that do nothing for their constituents always seem to retain their seats for eons, now you know. Vote Hells Yes on Prop 11.

                                       

Proposition 12: Veteran’s Bond of 2008

This bond will be $900 million to provide loans to California’s veterans for the purchase of farms or homes. It will cost about $1.8 billion to pay off the principal and interest over a period of 30 years. The current veteran’s assistance organization, Cal-Vet, is financially sustained by the veteran’s that participate in the program without a cent of tax payers money going into their coffers. This loan will be paid back by these same vets, but if their payments can’t cover the $59 million per year payments, the state will assume the remaining debt. This is kinda’ a duh proposition. Vets deserve to have a little TLC from the government they fought for. Apparently, our elected officials agree because no one in either the State Senate or the Assembly cast a “No” vote for Proposition 12. I’m not about to be the dickhead that does! Yes on 12!

 

So there we have it! Those are the Propositions your deciding on come November, so start forming an opinion one way or another. Complacency is unoriginal and boring, so step up your game a little & think about what’s going on. Next time, we’ll address the candidates running for local office… I’m thinking about donning a trench coat & disguise mustache, so I can avoid detection when tailing Stockton’s mayoral candidates. Until then, dah-lings!

                                                                       

Election ‘08:What’s on the ballot? Part 1

Y’all should be getting those Voter Information Guides in the mail that detail the various propositions you will be judging come November. Not exactly a page-turner, I know, but the shit is relatively important. As always, I feel it’s my duty to speak on it with another installment of Ms Maryjane Foxie’s Voting Guide 2008. Feel free to comment or debate my take on things, darlings, because to be completely honest, I don’t know shit. I’m just really good at forming opinions on things. Without further ado, let us talk ballot propositions!

Proposition 1: High Speed Rail Bond

This initiative attempts to fund the construction of a high speed railroad between San Francisco and Los Angeles to the tune of $9.95 billion in bonds ($9 billion for the high speed rail & the remaining $950 million to improve existing public transit systems throughout the state). Interest on these bonds is expected to be around $9.5 billion, making the suggested annual repayment of the bonds $647 million per year for the next 30 years. At first glance, it is easy to see why some legislators are weary about funding such a project. After all, California is in a sorry financial state and taking out such a tremendous loan seems a bit fool hardy. BUT, if one considers the jobs created by the railway’s construction and operation AND the environmental benefits of improved statewide public transit, Proposition 1 starts to look a whole lot better. Personally, I would totally prefer to make the trip from SF to LA by rail instead of driving the entire cursed route. At this point, I’m all for Proposition 1.

Proposition 2: Standards for Confining Farm Animals

Excluding rodeos, fairs, 4-H programs, veterinary transport, and a few select instances, Proposition 2 would require that calves bred for veal, egg-laying chickens, and pregnant pigs be confined in spaces large enough to allow the animal to stand, lie down, turn around, and extend their limbs fully. The penalty for ignoring these standards would be a misdemeanor fine or 180 days in jail. Prop 2 is supported by the Humane Society (duh) and the Center for Food Safety (makes you think?). The opposition insists that such standards will increase the risk of avian flu (I don’t follow their argument) and salmonella (since consumers will supposedly be forced to buy cheaper Mexican imports that apparently carry the food-bourne illness). This one is pretty cut & dry for me. I am disgusted by how our current system, lead by mega agribusiness interests not actually farmers like Old MacDonald, treats the animals that end up on my dinner plate. If I had more will power (and money), I’d go veggie. Until then, I’ll just have to insist that folks cough up the extra dinar for larger animal confinements, so that my conscious can remain relatively clear.

Proposition 3: Children’s Hospital Bond Act

Who can reject funding for sick children? I’m not even that callous! Prop 3 authorizes the sale of $980 million in bonds (80% for kids hospitals & 20% for U of C hospitals). The bonds are expected to generate $933 million in interest payments & will cost about $64 million annually for the next 30 years.

Proposition 4: Waiting Period and Parental Notification Before Termination of a Minor’s Pregnancy

It’s baaaack, Parental notification is being sold to Californian’s that have already rejected the concept in the past three (or four?) elections. Prop 4 would prohibit underage girls from obtaining abortion procedures before a 48 hour waiting period and notification of their intent to their parentals. The initiative allows for judicial bypass, meaning a minor can approach a judge & plead her case with the hopes that said judge sees “clear and convincing evidence of minor’s maturity”. Physicians would be required to file reports on the abortions preformed on teenaged women and would face stiff penalties for noncompliance. I’ve argued against this same fucking idea in every Voting Guide, so allow me to re-cap the main ideas & move on. First, the state should not be responsible for raising our kids. They do not need to play gate-keeper to medical services. That is a parent’s job. Second, a government that is hostile to the reproductive rights of all women (as ours very much is) should not be compiling these types of records on young women.Is it really difficult to imagine this information being used against the very women Prop 4 claims to protect? The abortion you had at the reckless age of 17 bites you in the ass years later when the factoid is discovered during a routine pre-employment background/credit check. Forget about holding public office, because some “family values” politician will inevitably label you a baby-killer with public records to prove it! Is this really that hard to imagine? Third, a “waiting period” is the most condescending fucking bullshit ever. The idea is that this 48-hour waiting period is to be used to reflect on the gravity of their decision, think it over, make sure this is what you want to do. I have little doubt that most women seeking to terminate their pregnancies have thought the matter through to their satisfaction before heading to the clinic AND time is pretty critical in such situations, so forcing a state-mandated “time-out” seems like shitty idea. Fourth, the “judicial review” process that would allow teens to petition a juvenile court for a wavier of the notification and/or waiting period is bullshit. A preggo teen has to file a claim, go to court, spill her guts to a judge,who then decides whether this young woman is “mature enough”, then (if successful) seek out medical attention. Think about you at age 16. There’s a PP commercial that illustrates this well. Fifth, we’ve voted the same crap down in waaaay too many consecutive elections! This is fucking ridiculous! Fuck Prop 4, or whatever they want to call it these days.

Proposition 5: Nonviolent Drug Offenses. Sentencing. Parole and Rehabilitation.

I am at odds about the whole substance abuse program vs. jail time policy. On one hand, nonviolent drug offenses do not warrant years of incarceration as penance. It’s cruel, costly, and unjust. Rehab gets folks out of jail & that is fucking great for everyone involved. On the other hand, it’s not the government’s responsibility to dictate when and how a person gets sober. That’s a personal thing. These programs should be available, heavily funded, and viable but not force fed. Besides, it just doesn’t work, as far as reducing drug & alcohol abuse is concerned. Anyhow, Prop 5 allows for $460 million annually to go to treatment programs. It eliminates jail sentences for certain drug crimes, parole violations, and failed rehab stints. Parole terms would be shortened for offenders having been convicted of nonviolent drug offenses or property crime, as long as the offender did not have a serious, violent, street gang-related, or sex crime on their record and lengthened for sex offenders and violent felons. Prop 5 also seeks to clear up eligibility standards by implementing a new three tiered system (there’s a nifty chart in the guide) of guidelines. I’m pro-Prop 5, I guess, since keeping folks outta’ jail is a more pressing matter than the right to get fucked up.

Proposition 6: Police and Law Enforcement Funding.

I swear the police are always bitching about funding! Life in Stockton is a prime example of what happens when law enforcement is financially rewarded for existing, not necessarily policing. Make ‘um hustle a little. If the crime rate is reduced & the citizenry generally approves of their local forces, funding increases to maintain the momentum. If there are noticeable signs of the public good being served, pay up. If not, the Boys in Blue outta’ put their noggins together & figure out what needs to be done. Earn your keep. Plus, I have an intense fear and loathing of police officers. But Prop 6 will pass because everybody loves the illusion of safety!

The Best TV Shows, like, Ever!

I was born and raised by the boob tube (no, literally. My folks didn’t believe in paying for baby sitters, so they’d post me up in front of the screen and go about their business while I learned life lessons via basic cable). Over the years, I’ve seen some pretty shitty TV shows (Think: Felicity, The Heights, Friends, or Mad TV). On occasion the clouds have parted and something beautiful has shone through, making the hundreds of wasted hours spent in a comatose state staring at the television well worth it. Here’s my picks of the Best of the Best (er, Worst?), in no particular order:

1. Weeds: Showtime’s hit series about a pot-dealing widow with questionable morals and a keen business sense is easily the best drama centered on the distribution of recreational drugs that I’ve ever seen. 

2. Absolutely Fabulous: This is my favorite British comedy! The mis-adventures of Edina and Patsy, two chemically addled middle-aged Londonites, are piss-your-pants hilarious.

3. Coupling: Fuck “Friends”! It’s all about the original gang of urban dwelling singles, the BBC’s Coupling! Instead of pansy-ass coffee, these hipsters chill-ax at bars like normal fucking adults! They don’t use euphemisms for sexual activity, unlike their American counterparts on the aforementioned sitcom, and their exploits are actually entertaining, even without the suspense of a Ross-Rachel romance.

4. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: If you haven’t watched this gem, you’re seriously missing out. What isn’t amusing about four failures operating a dive bar in Philly without morality or common sense getting in the way?

5. Veronica Mars: It’s a teen drama, I know, but it had a soul that it’s contemporaries didn’t. Ms. Mars navigates the sleazy world of Neptune, California as a part-time private investigator, a high school/college student, and a terminal smart ass. Socio-economic issues and sexism were addressed by Veronica & Co. with maturity that is rarely seen on American TV, especially in teen programming.

6. The Black Donnellys: I love gangster stories and Irish-American men, so this canceled drama stole my heart from episode #1. It tells the tale of four brothers that end up running the streets of their traditionally Irish neighborhood a la Boondock Saints meets The Sopranos.

7. The Daily Show: Politics and comedy are like Captain Crunch and Milk; sure you can enjoy them separately, but why would you want too? Jon Stewart picked up where SNL’s Weekend Update (hosted by Colin Quinn or Norm McDonald! Damn it!) left off. 

8. My So Called Life: Who didn’t identify with Angela Chase, the girl that just wanted to break out of her nerdy shell and fuck Jordan Catalano, played by Claire Danes. We all wanted to be Rayanne, but were probably nowhere near as hip. I’m still not that fresh, but I have managed to nail that whole alcoholism thang!

9. Scrubs: I never thought Zach Braff was attractive, until I was ill & stuck in front of my television during a Scrubs marathon. My, oh my! Nerdy, insecure, comedic & philosophical doctors are super hot! Dr. Cox should have gotten a spin off devoted entirely to his insulting rants.

10. That 70’s Show: This is one of those shows that I can watch as re-runs any day of the week. I preferred Donna as a Red Head, Hyde without Jackie, and Eric pre-Africa, but who didn’t?

11. Freeks and Geeks: One of the few shows that had a female lead character that actually resembled a real female (rather than an over-sexualized caricature of one).

12. Chappelle’s Show: I will always be grateful that I watched Chappelle spoof R. Kelly in “Piss on You” and it’s remix. It doesn’t get much better, Bitch.

13. Animaniacs: Quite possibly the best children’s program of all time. The Wheel of Morality? Good Feathers? Slappy the Squirrel? Helllooo Nurse!

14. The Tom Green Show: There isn’t enough ridiculousness in American TV programming. Stupidity, yes, but full-on ridiculousness? Not since Tom Green. He did a Testicular Cancer Special documenting his own tumor removal, for fucks sake!

15. Reno 911: I can’t bring myself to look a Reno cop in the eye anymore. I can’t help but picture Officer Raynesha Williams or Lieutenant Dangle and that makes it terribly hard to take them seriously. Especially when intoxicated (thank god I can hop fences!).

16. X-Files: Call me a moron, but I still have a soft spot for the formulaic plots and recycled “truths” uncovered by Agents Mulder and Scully. Mulder always had some off-the-hook theory that no sane person would ever admit to even thinking up, while Scully always got logical on his ass with science and, y’know, reality. By episode’s close, Mulder would be vindicated & Scully would be his biggest supporter, even if nothing was ever solidly proven by the pair’s super-natural hijinks. Hey, the truth is out there bitches.

17. Trading Spouses: Reality TV is an abomination, but this televised sociological experiment is simply brilliant. Switch one parent from two households (standard two parent ones) and watch the fireworks fly! Few things are more entertaining than other people’s ignorance.

18. Alias: This spy drama had a continually evolving plot and a bad-ass female lead with an endless supply of fab disguises. What more could I ask for?

19. Dragnet: I still love this stupid cop show. Anti-drug crusader Sergeant Joe Friday took down “hop-heads” and “smack fiends” with complete disregard for civil liberties way before the Law & Order crew tried the same shtick. 

20. Daria: Sarcasm at it's best! Daria Morgandorffer was (is) my hero, but I've previously modeled my hair style on that of Jane. No kidding.

An Anniversary & What’s Important to Remember

Politicians and news outlets alike will be spewing all kinds of quasi-patriotic & definitely fear-mongery bullshit about terrorists and other bogeymen we should still be afraid of seven years after the attacks of September 11th. What they probably won’t be talking about is the fact that the terrorist organization responsible for the attacks is stronger than ever, due to the unrest we’ve instigated throughout the Middle East. They won’t talk about how 9/11/2001 saved President Bush’s political career and probably secured his second term. They won’t ask why the people responsible for exploiting the tragic events for their own ends (invading Iraq, to be specific) are still not being held accountable. They won’t talk about how ineffective all those cuts to our civil liberties have been, as far as making our nation a safer place. They won’t review the effectiveness of the Patriot Act, Operation Iraqi Freedom, or GITMO, and they certainly won’t raise a critical voice against America’s foreign policy that proves to would-be terrorists just how corrupt and worthy of attack the U.S. is. They won’t ask any of the relevant questions or recall any of the heinous bullshit our government pulled in the wake of the 9/11 attacks. I suppose that remembering those details is up to us. We Will Never Forget, is damned well right.

More Palin-Hatin’

In case you needed more reasons to vote Democratic this November, let’s talk about how ridiculous McCain’s VP, Sarah Palin, actually is. Remember, if the Republican’s manage to retain the President’s seat, this lady will be second in line to rule. The Vice President is sort of a big deal for that reason.

First, the woman is a pawn, a puppet, a fucking ploy. The GOP doesn’t take her seriously, hell, she doesn’t even see herself as a full-fledged politician! This point was illustrated by the fact that her first photo op during the GOP convention wasn’t with her running mate or other major Republican figures, it was with the WIVES. Here she is chillin’ like a villian with Cindy McCain and Laura Bush, as if Palin were merely another would-be First Lady without political power or responsibility. Apparently, the GOP and Palin, herself, sees these political show ponies as her peers.

Second, her political track record, short as it maybe, is full of fucked up executive decisions that royally screwed Palin’s Alaskan constituents. Her 2008 budget cuts included these gems: cuts to education totaling $396,000 that were intended to repair school busses, replace unsafe sporting equipment, fund after school programs, and elevates children’s asthma; cuts to senior citizen programs totaling $600,000 for housing, repairing senior centers, and upgrading access roads to retirement communities; cuts to health care totaling $4,527,500 that was needed to replace medical equipment and upgrade Ketchikan General Hospital’s surgical wing. Never the less, under Palin government expenditures increased by 63%! Apparently, that $14.7 Million Sports Center in Wasilla was WAY more important than providing for Alaska’s children, their elderly, or their sick.

Third, she is as shady as one would expect a Republican to be, with the ethics violations to prove it! In August of this year, former state House member Andree McLeod filed an ethics complaint against the Alaskan governor that alleges Palin used her position of power to get one of her campaign supporters a Department of Transportation job in Fairbanks. The complaint can be viewed online HERE. In July of 2008, the Alaska State Legislator voted 12-0 to approve $100,000 for a special investigator to begin an investigation into claims Palin fired a former state official because he would not fire a state trooper who was involved in a bitter custody battle with Palin’s sister.

Fourth, America has learned the dangers of electing politicians that reside in the pockets of Big Oil executives. Bush and Cheney illustrate this Worst Case Scenario. Palin is similarly involved with the oil interests that financially rape the American consumer and provoke wars in the Middle East for financial gain. Her 2006 campaign for governor netted her a cool $13,000 from oil lobbyists, even though McCain praised Palin’s supposed fight against such interests. Environmentalists cite her eagerness to embrace expanded offshore oil development, her lawsuit against further protection of polar bears so as not to hinder oil drilling in Alaska's ice-filled waters and her ardent support to allow oil companies into the Alaska wildlife refuge as evidence of her close connections to Big Oil.

There you have it. Hard core hatin’ from the Left, to remind y’all why Palin is soooo super sucky. Obama in ‘08, mother fuckers!