Cinema a la Smith

                                    

Before we all fell over ourselves for Judd Apatow & Co., this generation of comedy film fans was all for Kevin Smith and his twisted take on the Jersey ‘burbs. In my opinion, Smith still holds the heavy weight belt when it comes to witty dialogue, which makes his films the kind that you watch several times before you pick up all the little witticisms and one-liners. It was a hankering for Smith’s smartly silly styling's that instigated a Kevin Smith Film Fest @ Casa Michelle this morning… Well, that and a desire to avoid being productive despite a shit-load of homework, housework, and house hunting to do. I watched his mainstream blockbuster successes - Dogma and Clerks II – but since I woke up waaaaay too early this morning, there was more time to kill. I pulled out my VHS copy of Clerks (the original), but my VCR is already packed up in a box somewhere. I enjoyed an illegally available internet version of Mallrats, then just as I nearly settled on watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back I remembered my all time favorite Kevin Smith cinematic gem… Chasing Amy! An hour of downloading later & I was in Romantic Comedy heaven! If you have forgotten how good the movie was, take my advice & refresh your memory! For those of you that have the misfortune of never having seen Chasing Amy, get on the ball Bitches. The film is chock full of ‘90s goodness, comic book-loving nerdiness, multi-faceted sexual confusion, and that patented Kevin Smith humor that takes dick & fart jokes to a new level of sophistication. Slacker humor aside, Chasing Amy is a classic because it’s honest & intelligent in it’s approach to the modern romance. The shaky love story of Alyssa Jones and Holden McNeal, the self-proclaimed lesbian and the inexperienced Jersey Boy, is sweet. It’s complex, it’s tragic and it’s believable. You can empathize with each of the film’s characters, regardless of your own sexual orientation or preferences. Holden is hopelessly in love with an unattainable girl, or at least his ideal of who this girl is, and who hasn’t been blinded by the glare of new love? Alyssa is just a girl who’s sexual exploration comes back to bite her in the ass because using one’s vagina has that effect in today’s society. Anyone of us that possess a pussy – the slut, virgin, prude, dyke, or whomever – knows that & can feel for Alyssa’s character. Bankee, Holden’s devoted sidekick & “tracer”, is the homophobic buddy trying unsuccessfully to save his friend from inevitable heartbreak. I can’t count how many times I’ve been there.

Trust me. Re-watch Chasing Amy. It will restore your faith in men & remind you that pussies don't have mileage limitations. Send K. Smith a Thank You card for acknowledging that on the Big Screen.

If you smoke reefer then surf the web, here's what you come up with

All I can do is giggle like a crazed villainess. Enjoy.

little shit

I think it’s James, chapter 5 verse 13, that says “Shut the fuck up!”

Apparently, one of my late Grandfather's signature sayings was: "Never trust a Christian". This is amusing, since I too have be known to utter similar statements & my Granddad died prior to my stint here on Earth. I was not indoctrinated with his ideology as a youngster; my Dad rarely even mentioned the guy, let alone his skepticism for Christian morality, but just as we share chromosomal traits, Me and Grandpa George share the same opinion of theologically driven folk. They cannot be trusted to approach matters logically, to divorce their reasoning from their Church’s teachings, and therefore, they ain’t the ones that we outta’ entrust the communities well being to. You see, my folks left me to figure the whole Heaven & Hell thing out on my own, without any sort of guidance on the subject, and after years of stressed out comparison studies of the religious dogma spouted by people around me, I came to the conclusion that religion is, more often than not, used as a means of controlling the populace. People, with or without theology, normally recognize certain behaviors as immoral or unacceptable (i.e. murder, cannibalism, rape). BUT, religion stipulates another set of Do’s and Don’ts that believers must adhere to, lest God punish them in the afterlife (i.e. observe the Sabbath, practice kosher eating habits, don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, etc.). Now that, my friends, is a mighty powerful means of control! If you don’t act right, you’ll pay for it even after you’re dead for all eternity! Damn, that’s harsh. Especially since you are expected to accept the Church’s interpretation of God’s mandates and regulations, instead of being able to clarify with the man himself. Belief in religious teachings is so strong that people often advocate policy & behavior that isn’t in their own best interest or is detrimental to society as a whole because their clergy says God wants them to. Most of the Christians that I know are self-identified anti-choice types, they believe that homosexual relationships are sinful, and they aren’t all that supportive of the distinction between church and state in this country. These people, & those that worship a Christian god along the same lines, propagate bullshit that fucks with the interests of our society as a whole simply because they buy into the threat of their own eternal damnation. This is not fair, not rational, and certainly not in accordance with the founding principals of this Land of the Free we inhabit. These Christian moral crusaders are the Proposition 8 supporters that feared their school-aged children might learn that homosexuals exist if marriage rights were granted to the LGBT community, but they were unconcerned with the fact that civil liberties were being stripped from their fellow citizens, who posed no threat by joining in matrimony. They are the knee jerk voters that agreed if female minors had access to safe & legal abortion services all of our sweet and innocent teenage girls would have incentive to start whoring it up wily-nilly, but they failed to recognize that parental notification and waiting period legislation results in an increase in teen pregnancy and unsafe abortion procedures. They are the people that were comfortable with President Bush’s Faith Based Initiative that allocates millions in tax dollars to organizations that identify with a Church, but they seem unaware of the fact that these monies can be put to better use by funding the necessary programs already in place to service to the community (like Federal student aid, Medi-Care, or Temporary Assistance For Needy Families, for example). I’m not suggesting that American Christians, whose ideology conflicts with my own, are Assholes without concern for the poor, needy, or minority groups amongst us, but I am suggesting that when opinions (and, as a result, our laws) are formed by religious dogma, there is plenty of common sense shit that gets overlooked & ignored. If running this country were left entirely to the Christian Right, many of us would be living in the cold, hungry, and abandoned by our society. If only the early Christian theologians thought to include a chapter & verse that would remind folks that the human capacity for critical thought should be exercised regularly! Then again, those early theologians were members of a newly established clergy class & if people thought for themselves, what would they need the clergy for? Anyhow, it is this mindset, that your clergy & it’s version of God’s will should be the basis of all your beliefs, that makes people like myself & my grandfather so weary of Christian motives. Can you really blame us?

Along the same sting of thought, all God-oriented & what-not, here are a few entertaining clips via YouTube.

"The Creator actually smote me in advance for blaspheming his son!"

 

Was there ever any doubt that FUNK was divinely inspired? Satan definety had a hand in the creation of disco though.

 

I’m not advocating taking Jesus out with a bus, but this video cracked me up the first time I saw it & I figured you might have a similar experience.

 

That’s some truth told in that song! They threw Jesus out of the Christian Coalition, They said you might share our name but you sure don’t share our vision!

2008? Fuck that guy…

Last year blew. It sucked serious donkey balls. The entire set of 365 days was sent from Beelzebub himself to showcase the conditions down below. Seriously though, 2008 was a crap-tastic year that I won’t be nostalgic for any time soon. An informal poll, conducted over several bouts of public binge drinking, confirmed my suspicions that ‘08 wasn’t very popular with the masses either. Why? Let’s review…

* The final year of President Bush’s reign seemed to drag on, a seemingly endless period of an unpopular government making unpopular decisions without regard or foresight. Must have been the extra leap-second tacked on to the end of the year. Or maybe it was the string of stupid shit his administration gave us in 2008.

* The official beginning of the Global Financial Crisis. The U.S. stock market lost it’s will to live. People’s IRA’s & 401K’s were left on their death beds, gasping for breath while the federal government avoided even acknowledging the recession for months after it became clear to everyone else. The price of gasoline soared past $100 per barrel for the first time EVER and went up to $147 per barrel by July. Food prices also went through the roof internationally, sparking riots in the developing nations & a surge in Top Ramen sales domestically. American financial institutions imploded and took out much of the world’s national economies in the process. The Big 3 car manufacturers applied for welfare. Once mighty corporate giants have been falling like flies & Chapter 11 bankruptcy appears to be the chic business move this season. Essentially, 2008 brought the financial “OUCH” heard ‘round the world.

* Politicians were disgraced by the truckload in 2008. NY Governor Elliot Spitzer was linked to a prostitution ring & resigned. Sarah Palin was knocked for behaving like a diva & blowing thousands of bucks on a wardrobe, while running on the Working Man’s Party theme. Rod Blagojevich just got caught trying to sell Obama’s seat in the Senate. Banner year for crooked politicians it was.

* California legalized, then prohibited by Constitutional Amendment, the right to same sex marriage. The Proposition 8 campaign proved that American’s will believe whatever bullshit they see on television ads, however illogical & flat-out untrue it maybe. For the record: Kids can’t go on field trips without parental consent, so a lesbian teacher didn’t force her students to attend a gay wedding against their parent’s will. You don’t formally “learn” about marriage in school, so “teaching” it was never a threat. Families, Marriage, and Children were not endangered by Bill & Ted’s holy matrimony. You were duped.

* The Beijing Summer Olympics. Lamer sports than the Winter version, karaoke at the Opening Ceremonies, and too much compliance with the Chinese government’s media regulations. Why allow China to host the Games if you don’t illuminate the social climate of the nation? That is the point of having a host nation! The mainstream media tip-toed around discussion of Tibetan separatists, the Communist nation’s prosperity despite the lack of capitalism, and China’s zeal for political and religious oppression. Instead, we heard all about the air quality and how capitalist values are gaining popularity in Mao’s land. What a waste of an opportunity. Plus, China whipped our Red, White, & Blue asses when it came to bringing home the gold (except in swimming! Go Phelps!).

* Cyclone Nargis hit southern Asia on May 2 & became the deadliest cyclone of all time, killing an estimated 147,000 people with thousands more missing. Since it made landfall on the politically unstable nation of Burma/Myanmar, the international relief aid was minimal & doled out by an unpopular government more concerned with the political repercussions of Nargis than the cost in human life. Relief workers were initially denied access to the afflicted regions, resulting in unnecessary suffering and starvation, by Burma’s military junta. There have been reports of government workers trading food and supplies for physical labor within the refugee camps & exploiting the suffering of Burmese citizens like a bunch of assholes. Yet another public relations fuck-up for the military junta of Burma & another atrocity suffered by the Burmese people at the hands of their own government. Other climate concerned happenings included June’s Typhoon Fengshen that killed hundreds in the Philippines, February’s tornado outbreak in the U.S. that left a record 58 people dead, a snowstorm in January that resulted in 133 dead Chinese folks, Hurricanes Gustav, Hanna, & Ike slammed the Caribbean & the still recovering Gulf Coast, and the Santa Catarina floods in Brazil caused mass evacuations and 126 deaths in late November. 

* August 7th saw the start of the 2008 South Ossetia War between Russia and Georgia. The separatist region of Georgia, the South Ossetia mentioned in the conflict’s title, was backed by the Russian government in opposition to Georgia’s claim on the territory. When Georgian forces tried to punk the separatists, Russia sent in troops & the mutual ass beating commenced. Technically, the war ended by mid-August but there has been an on-going stream of reports about violent incidents in the border region & Georgia’s diplomatic relations with Russia are not exactly doing well. Especially when the Russians give vocal support to every sect that wishes to free themselves from Georgian control.

* Comedians George Carlin and Bernie Mac; Hollywood Hotties Brad Renfro & Heath Ledger; Ideologically Entertaining Right-wingers Charlton Heston, Tony Snow, & Jesse Helms; South Park’s own Isaac Hayes; the Iconic Bettie Page; and Nixon’s nemesis “Deep Throat” (a.k.a. Mark Felt) all kicked the bucket in 2008.

* The heavy metal band Quiet Riot (“Come on feel the noise, Girls rock your boys…”) disbanded. Now, these washed up rockers will be available to lend dull & asinine commentary to even more Vh1 Countdowns. The Police officially ended their run & I am personally fearful of the crap-music of Sting’s solo career, which he now has more time for, so The Police’s demise is tragic in my book. Scott Wieland was booted from Velvet Revolver & an actually promising rock act was announced dead… probably overdose, huh Scott? The most embarrassing musical fiasco of the year was undoubtedly the return of the New Kids on the Block. A close second was the long-awaited release of Guns N’ Roses “Chinese Democracy”. Talk about yawn-worthy tunes.

* Thailand has been in a state of political turmoil throughout 2008. The People’s Alliance for Democracy (PAD) resumed it’s popular protests of the Thai government’s policies & diplomatic relations with Cambodia. PAD protesters invaded & occupied the Government House (the Thai version of The White House) in August, causing the temporary freeze of transportation and communications in the country. Several airports were seized by the PAD. In September, violence erupted & the Thai government declared a state of emergency, but Prime Minister Samak was ousted shortly thereafter & the declaration was revoked. The Thai Supreme Court has since dissolved the nation’s three top political parties, sort of like calling “Do Over!” in the political realm. The country is now as politically divided as our own nation & an ease in the turbulence isn’t foreseen in the near future.

* 2008 was designated by the United Nations as the International Year of the Potato and the International Year of Sanitation. 'Spuds and sewage? Not exactly appealing, interesting, or awe-inspiring. Let’s make ‘09 tasty & entertaining by naming it the International Year of Baklava and Explosive Demolition!

* The lamest sequels & other dumb films were prolific in 2008. Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Rambo? Australia? The Day The Earth Stood Still? Answer: Super fucking sucky cinema.

In conclusion, FAREWELL 2008 and Fuck Off!