Ms Maryjane Foxie’s All-Time Favorite Broads on TV

**** Californication’s Marcy: The naughty little smurf (formerly) married to Hank Moody’s publisher/best friend, Charlie Runkle, is one potty-mouthed bad ass & I love her for it. She runs a salon specializing in pubic hair eradication, she obliges her man with a threesome (even though it ends in disaster, she still goes there!), and all the while she juggles her own drug abuse demons & her philandering husband with style! This scene from season 1 is the best pre-wedding pep talk ever! Far too many good lines to quote just one, so just watch the video.

**** Veronica Mars: Being super girly & being kick-ass shouldn’t have to be mutually exclusive traits & the character of V. Mars proved how well the two go together in the detective-teen drama-comedy series, Veronica Mars. She’s witty, she’s smart (assed), has a normal healthy attitude towards sex & shit, PLUS she’s a little damaged without being emotionally retarded or unrealistically bulletproof. Played by one of the few blond actresses that I think is beautiful, Kristen Bell (from Forgetting Sarah Marshall), Ms. Mars is dearly missed; three seasons just wasn’t enough.                   

**** Nancy Botwin of Weeds: She’s flawed, beautiful, intelligent, and damned thuggish when she needs to be. She fucks when she sees fit (sometimes that causes trouble, but isn’t that the case in real life?), she loves her kids but isn’t some selfless drone like too many TV mothers, and she is one unexpectedly successful pot pusher on a show that is not only realistic about the ups & downs of the biz, it is also written & directed by a female (Jenji Kohan) which is a rare occurrence these days. This video features Nancy handling a screwed up situation as best as she can. When this prick won’t give up the brick she came to retrieve without her performing a “brick dance”, Nancy shows them assholes how a white girl gets down. 

**** Tara on True Blood: My most favorite character on my most favorite vampire show ever! Tara is BFF with the show’s lead character, Sookie Stackhouse, & this bitch has a mouth on her! She’s got a temper problem, but who wouldn’t when your mom is intent on killing herself by drowning in booze? Tara definitely gets some of the best monologues in the series & I am looking forward to more of her lip in Season 2. This clip features Tara showcasing her excellent customer service skills.

**** Lindsay of Freaks & Geeks: It was such a shame that Freaks & Geeks only lasted one season, especially since it had one of the most believable female teenage characters ever on TV. Lindsay navigates the scary world of high school without resorting to tired TV stereotypes of what teen girls act like. Bravo! This clip features Lindsay stoned out of her gourd on a good ramble about the universe & existence.

**** Joy Turner of My Name is Earl: Joy is soooo running shit! This clip features the trailer park queen getting hers!

**** Darlene Conner of Roseanne: I LOVE ROSEANNE & dearly miss the program. Obviously, my favorite daughter was Darlene & even though it ‘s totally weird to date the brother of your sister’s husband, I forgave that minor quirk & kept the character as one of my personal role models. Honestly though, Aunt Jackie is a close runner up. Since I couldn’t find a Darlene vid, I decided to post this hilarious clip of Dan, Roseanne, and Jackie stoned.  

**** Daria Morgandorpher & Jane Lane of Daria: I have watched every Daria episode several times & have yet to tire of her dead pan humor & outcast persona. The best spin off of Beavis & Butthead, wouldn’t you agree?

**** Dana Scully from the X-Files: Gillian Anderson’s most distinctive role ever will always have a place in my heart because Scully’s “But Mulder! What about Science?” attitude was the perfect counterweight to David Duchovny’s mentally off-balanced Fox Mulder conspiracies. I would have totally flipped the channel had someone not been around to point out how nuts half his ideas were!

 

Who are your favorite TV ladies?

Rachel Maddow: Making the news something I can watch again!

I adore Ms. Rachel Maddow. It’s not because she’s the first openly gay anchor of a prime time news show. It’s not because she is a self-described feminist with obvious liberal political leanings. It’s not because she used to host one of my favorite Air America radio shows, Unfiltered, with none other than Public Enemy’s Chuck D. The main reason that I adore Rachel Maddow is she has made the news bearable for me to sit through. In this era of Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Chris Matthews, I find it excruciating to watch even a half-hour of televised news because the Talking Heads of the mainstream media outlets have the journalistic integrity of Stephan Glass and the debating skills of a toddler in the throws of a tantrum. They avoid asking the important questions & instead, waste my time by discussing the merits of Obama’s flag pin or whether America is ready for a female President. I blame these idiots for the downfall of our civilization since they are responsible for spreading the misinformation that so many Americans live their lives according to & they neglect their duty to keep the American people informed, thus perpetuating the idiotic state of the Republic. In contrast, Rachel Maddow keeps it real & handles the business at every weekday on her MSNBC show, The Rachel Maddow Show, which airs directly after Keith Olbermann’s Countdown & can be seen online at THIS website (or YouTube, if you want to avoid the repeticious commercial that MSNBC forces down your throat every two clips). If you have wondered where TV’s sane people are, look no further! Maddow & Olbermann host MSNBC’s most watched shows & that proves that plenty of other people are sick of O’Reilly’s guest abusing interview tactics and Chris Matthew’s idiotic (and sexist) commentary. Maddow’s show includes segments like Just Enough, where pop culture reporter Kent Jones runs us down on the fluffier side of the news, Talk Me Down, where Maddow goes head-to-head with experts on various issues that try to talk her down from her current opinion on the matter, Lame Duck Watch, where Maddow keeps tabs on Still President Bush, and Ms Information, where she calls out the important stories that have gone un- or under- reported. The show has enlightened my understanding of several current events (the stock market crisis, the auto industry loan-bailout) because Maddow has a way of breaking it down to lay-man’s terms without dumbing it down. She has taught me what a T-bill is, why we adjust the Atomic Clocks & why that even matters, and has explained The Bush Doctrine in terms of it’s illegal possibilities. She’s sarcastic, she’s smart, and she’s in-touch with the concerns & questions us Normal Folk have about the state of the Union. Whenever I don’t get specifics of a current political event, Maddow is my Go-To Gal. If I could be any TV personality it would be her (or, maybe, Samantha Bee).

The Best TV Shows, like, Ever!

I was born and raised by the boob tube (no, literally. My folks didn’t believe in paying for baby sitters, so they’d post me up in front of the screen and go about their business while I learned life lessons via basic cable). Over the years, I’ve seen some pretty shitty TV shows (Think: Felicity, The Heights, Friends, or Mad TV). On occasion the clouds have parted and something beautiful has shone through, making the hundreds of wasted hours spent in a comatose state staring at the television well worth it. Here’s my picks of the Best of the Best (er, Worst?), in no particular order:

1. Weeds: Showtime’s hit series about a pot-dealing widow with questionable morals and a keen business sense is easily the best drama centered on the distribution of recreational drugs that I’ve ever seen. 

2. Absolutely Fabulous: This is my favorite British comedy! The mis-adventures of Edina and Patsy, two chemically addled middle-aged Londonites, are piss-your-pants hilarious.

3. Coupling: Fuck “Friends”! It’s all about the original gang of urban dwelling singles, the BBC’s Coupling! Instead of pansy-ass coffee, these hipsters chill-ax at bars like normal fucking adults! They don’t use euphemisms for sexual activity, unlike their American counterparts on the aforementioned sitcom, and their exploits are actually entertaining, even without the suspense of a Ross-Rachel romance.

4. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: If you haven’t watched this gem, you’re seriously missing out. What isn’t amusing about four failures operating a dive bar in Philly without morality or common sense getting in the way?

5. Veronica Mars: It’s a teen drama, I know, but it had a soul that it’s contemporaries didn’t. Ms. Mars navigates the sleazy world of Neptune, California as a part-time private investigator, a high school/college student, and a terminal smart ass. Socio-economic issues and sexism were addressed by Veronica & Co. with maturity that is rarely seen on American TV, especially in teen programming.

6. The Black Donnellys: I love gangster stories and Irish-American men, so this canceled drama stole my heart from episode #1. It tells the tale of four brothers that end up running the streets of their traditionally Irish neighborhood a la Boondock Saints meets The Sopranos.

7. The Daily Show: Politics and comedy are like Captain Crunch and Milk; sure you can enjoy them separately, but why would you want too? Jon Stewart picked up where SNL’s Weekend Update (hosted by Colin Quinn or Norm McDonald! Damn it!) left off. 

8. My So Called Life: Who didn’t identify with Angela Chase, the girl that just wanted to break out of her nerdy shell and fuck Jordan Catalano, played by Claire Danes. We all wanted to be Rayanne, but were probably nowhere near as hip. I’m still not that fresh, but I have managed to nail that whole alcoholism thang!

9. Scrubs: I never thought Zach Braff was attractive, until I was ill & stuck in front of my television during a Scrubs marathon. My, oh my! Nerdy, insecure, comedic & philosophical doctors are super hot! Dr. Cox should have gotten a spin off devoted entirely to his insulting rants.

10. That 70’s Show: This is one of those shows that I can watch as re-runs any day of the week. I preferred Donna as a Red Head, Hyde without Jackie, and Eric pre-Africa, but who didn’t?

11. Freeks and Geeks: One of the few shows that had a female lead character that actually resembled a real female (rather than an over-sexualized caricature of one).

12. Chappelle’s Show: I will always be grateful that I watched Chappelle spoof R. Kelly in “Piss on You” and it’s remix. It doesn’t get much better, Bitch.

13. Animaniacs: Quite possibly the best children’s program of all time. The Wheel of Morality? Good Feathers? Slappy the Squirrel? Helllooo Nurse!

14. The Tom Green Show: There isn’t enough ridiculousness in American TV programming. Stupidity, yes, but full-on ridiculousness? Not since Tom Green. He did a Testicular Cancer Special documenting his own tumor removal, for fucks sake!

15. Reno 911: I can’t bring myself to look a Reno cop in the eye anymore. I can’t help but picture Officer Raynesha Williams or Lieutenant Dangle and that makes it terribly hard to take them seriously. Especially when intoxicated (thank god I can hop fences!).

16. X-Files: Call me a moron, but I still have a soft spot for the formulaic plots and recycled “truths” uncovered by Agents Mulder and Scully. Mulder always had some off-the-hook theory that no sane person would ever admit to even thinking up, while Scully always got logical on his ass with science and, y’know, reality. By episode’s close, Mulder would be vindicated & Scully would be his biggest supporter, even if nothing was ever solidly proven by the pair’s super-natural hijinks. Hey, the truth is out there bitches.

17. Trading Spouses: Reality TV is an abomination, but this televised sociological experiment is simply brilliant. Switch one parent from two households (standard two parent ones) and watch the fireworks fly! Few things are more entertaining than other people’s ignorance.

18. Alias: This spy drama had a continually evolving plot and a bad-ass female lead with an endless supply of fab disguises. What more could I ask for?

19. Dragnet: I still love this stupid cop show. Anti-drug crusader Sergeant Joe Friday took down “hop-heads” and “smack fiends” with complete disregard for civil liberties way before the Law & Order crew tried the same shtick. 

20. Daria: Sarcasm at it's best! Daria Morgandorffer was (is) my hero, but I've previously modeled my hair style on that of Jane. No kidding.

Here’s a SHOCKER: Bill O’Reilly is a lying dick

Just for shits & giggles, I wandered over to Media Matters for America and browsed the list of Bill O’Reilly’s bullshit claims. I would advise you to avoid doing so if you are easily angered, because that mother-fucker… I’ll let his words do the talking (then I’ll do some talking)…

"Viagra is used to help a medical condition -- that's why it's covered. Birth control is not a medical condition, it is a choice. Why should I or anybody else have to pay for other people's choices?"  

That gem is from July 17, 2008, on The O’Reilly Factor, while discussing health insurance companies covering Viagra but not birth control. Unfortunately for O’Reilly’s accuracy, various international health organizations have, in fact, defined contraception as a medical necessity.

"[Sen. Barack] Obama must condemn organizations like MoveOn and the Daily Kos if he truly wants to run without a race component. These are the people that are dividing Americans along racial lines. It is not a stretch to say MoveOn is the new Klan."

From July 23, 2008, again on The O’Reilly Factor. Actually, Bill, it’s quite a big fucking stretch. On one hand you have The Klan, a group born out of the post-Civil War racism of the South that advocates white supremacy & uses terrorist tactics to suppress the civil liberties of others. The Klan has lynched people, erected burning crosses on front lawns, and physically assaulted un-affiliated Americans since 1865. On the other hand you have Moveon.org, a non-profit progressive advocacy group born out of the Clinton impeachment fiasco that promotes public understanding of political issues. Moveon.org has created poignant commercials criticizing the current Administration, raised money for Democratic candidates nationwide, and published two books on modern political issues since 1999. Big fucking difference.

"But it's an amazing amount of kids involved with this -- 20 -- in an affluent school district. This isn't, you know, the inner city; you would think that these kids would have some kind of a values system."

On June 10th, 2008, again on his stupid fucking “news” show, this is how he responded to a story about seven ninth-graders at Pascack Valley High School in New Jersey that were suspended for distributing topless photographs of their classmates. Apparently, only rich folks teach their children about morality and “values”. Us po’ kids gotta’ learn that shit on the street!

What a dick. He’s a dick squared, even.

Employment is apparently a male occupation

The boob tube is awash in “reality” programming and has been for sometime. The genre’s newest products – those day-to-day chronicles of blue collar jobs – annoy and bore me more than any of the previous incarnations involving elimination rounds, confessionals, and/or tokens of faux affection in the form of roses or oversized clocks. These new shows are specifically male-oriented, diluted in testosterone, and DULL AS ALL HELL. The culprits include:

* Ice Road Truckers: Another of The History Channel’s non-history programs, this one documents the trials & tribulations of truckers driving Canada’s Dempster Highway. The Male-centricity of the show is underscored by the confessions of the trucker’s wives – worried & proud of their men! The fact that the truckers are blowing through untold amounts of fossil fuels to service the DeBeer’s diamond mines and the show gives no lip service to the environmental or human rights aspects of the industry doesn’t surprise me, but it does annoy me. Unless someone finally dies on that God Damned ice road, I don’t give a fuck what those boys are up to.

* Ax Men: Apparently, the History Channel thinks this type of show is quality programming, because they’ve hit us with another version of Ice Road. This time the show details the daily activities of loggers in the Pacific Northwest. Once again, women are non-existent in the Ax Men world, unless they are expressing concern for the logger’s safety (like a good wife or mother). Also, the environmental aspect of logging goes un-disclosed which makes me wary of the political motivations behind this show. “How dare you question the noble & historic profession of logging! People can die, you know!”

* Tougher in Alaska: Also the fault of The History Channel. This show chronicles various professions & aspects of life in Alaska, but still remains the realm of the Penis. *Yawn*

* Deadliest Catch: The God-Father of this kind of reality show, aired on The Discovery Channel, and probably the one that I have the least amount of beef with. Crab fishermen tend to be men & it actually is semi-entertaining.

* Black Gold: Tru TV has entered the fray with their own Man Job epic, this time the industry in question is the PR-needy purveyors of fossil fuels. Seriously? They aren’t even trying to hide their motivations anymore? See my issues with Ax Men since the problem with Black Gold is the same.

Dudes need shows too, I know, and obviously someone is watching these programs, but is it too much to ask for a little more equality in representation? Women do make up 46% of the American workforce, after all. I bet I’ll regret saying this when some network launches Secretaries! or The Secret Lives of Nurses, but whatever.

When cable TV is your boyfriend dates come in half-hour increments

I’ve complained about television programing being Super-Sucky way too many times to watch it as often as I do, but what is a single broke alcoholic supposed to do on weeknights? I do more than my fair share of reading, I blog, I play video games, and I entertain my two cats but sometimes the allure of the boob tube is just too damned strong to resist. Lucky for me, some of my most favorite shows are just starting new seasons so I’m not stuck watching re-runs of South Park and Family Guy all the time. Ever the critic, I am pretty fickle when I dole out positive reviews of TV shows (even if the cast includes Super Hotties). My TV recommendations are trustworthy, as a result, and they are as follows:

** Weeds: This Showtime drama/comedy is in it’s fourth season & if you haven’t managed to watch the program yet, run (don’t walk) to the nearest house with premium cable and catch up! Of course, you can always use your trusty-dusty internet connection (and a non-Explorer browser) to watch the entire series as well. The plot centers around a newly widowed mother of two, Nancy Botwin, and her struggle to maintain her suburban lifestyle by selling that sweet ganja referenced in the title. Her partners-in-crime include the Oh-So-Cute Conrad (her Tutor in the ways of the game), his auntie Heylia (Nancy’s No-Nonsense connect), City Councilman Doug Wilson (played by the ever funny Kevin Nealon), Nancy’s idiot brother-in-law Andy, and my favorite character of all – Celia Hodes, the stereotypical suburban know-it-all Bitch Lady. Weeds is full of complex characters, unpredictable plot twists, and questionable morals making the show one of my all-time favorites.

** My Boys: I doubted this comedy at first, but after watching the entire first & second seasons via TBS’ website I started counting down the days until the third season debuted. This show is centered around seven homies in Chicago: PJ (a tomboy-ish sports writer, Cubs fan, and the shows narrator), Stephanie (PJ’s girly best friend & relationship councilor), Andy (PJ’s older brother, played by Jim Gaffigan), Bobby (PJ’s co-worker & one of the show’s hotties), Brenden (one of the show’s other hotties, PJ’s roommate), Mike (the dip-shit friend), Kenny (the ugly friend & Stephanie’s nemesis). The buddies drink heavily, play poker, & shoot the shit just like you or I…except much funnier.

** Californication: Another gem from Showtime, this one starring the ex-X-filer David Duchovny as the cranky writer/Playboy Hank Moody. He drinks, he fucks, and he is unapologetic about it. His ex has left him for a real douche-bag, his daughter is entering adolescence, and his writer’s block is killing his career but Moody tries to make the best of his existence in Los Angeles even though he fucking hates it. I was surprised that I liked this show, since it ain't exactly feminist-approved, but I was entertained by season 1 and expect the same from season 2.

The television is my roommate and sometimes I don’t mind

There are some entertaining shows on TV these days or at least there is some televised shit I enjoying staring at in half hour increments. Maybe it's because I went through all my library books already & am too damned lazy to head ten blocks away to check out more ('cause daylight sucks), but whatever! I think PMS increases my susceptibility to television media. Anyhow, here's a few gems I'm currently stuck on.

* Ugly Betty: My childhood included a healthy dose of Soap Operas (All My Children, General Hospital, and One Life to Live, in particular) followed by my adolescence partially spent watching teen dramas (90210, My So Called Life, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Now, my existence is colored by the antics of Betty Suarez and the self absorbed staff at Mode Magazine. It's tradition, damn it.

* My Boys: I am eagerly awaiting the new season of this sitcom for good reason. It's actually funny and relatively realistic. The show centers around the lives of a group of friends headed up by PJ, a female sportswriter & terminal tomboy. PJ & her "boys" drink like fish (no girly drinks a la Sex and the City) and navigate life in Chicago like normal fucking people that are exceptionally funny. Plus, a few of the "boys" are fucking hotties.

* Trading Spouses: I wasn't a fan when the show first debuted but reruns on CMT recently caught my interest. The idea is that two families (typically nuclear Husband, Wife, Kids family units) switch one spouse (usually the Mom) for a week & the camera crew documents the ensuing conflict. After the week, the displaced spouses are responsible for doling out $50,000 to their "new" family as they see fit. The families are picked to contrast as much as possible (think: Evangelical Christians vs. Atheists, Hippie-dippy vs. Consumer Oriented, NRA vs. Pacifists) & this makes for some serious head-butting. Good shit, in my opinion. An excellent example of the crazy people this show documents can be found HERE.

That bitch is nuts, for real.

* The Daily Show / The Colbert Report: Because sometimes the only appropriate response to American politics is laughter.

* Scrubs: I have the biggest crush on J.D. even though the nerdy white dude wouldn't turn my head in real life. And the character of Dr. Cox recites some of the best Ranting dialogue ever televised.

* The Oblongs: I think this underrated cartoon could very well be based in Stockton. The program is a critique of the class based value system in America that centers on a poor family living in a Valley that has been contaminated by the toxic waste runoff of the wealthy community in the Hills. The Valley people are deformed/disfigured (I think the little girl has a penis growing out of her head) & the community is governed by the Rule of the Wealthy. Funny, yet intelligent animation.

Thank the gods for my ability to read!

Television is a seriously disappointing medium. Just think of all the possibilities available when one combines audio & visual elements.... then consider the swill that network & cable television presents us with. *sigh* Here's my list of the most heinous bullshit the TV Gods are currently sending to our sets:

* The History Channel: Most of the programing aired on THC is fucking pointless, inaccurate, incomplete, or not even related to History at all. Examples include the plethora of military-minded shows like Mail Call, Battle 360, or Dogfights; the fear mongering What-If programs like Mega Disasters, Monsterquest, or UFO Hunters; the stupid (not to mention boring) chronicles of Masculine Professions like Ice Road Truckers, Tougher in Alaska, and Ax Men; or the completely unnecessary crap like Gangland or Modern Marvels. With millennia of human history behind us, you'd think they'd have something to base a show on every once in awhile.

* Reruns of the same played out shows: There are thousands of by-gone TV shows that could be thrown in the mix (like Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark, Eerie Indiana, My So Called Life, Ab Fab, or EVEN Buffy the Vampire Slayer), instead of the terminal re-runs of Roseanne, The Golden Girls, Home Improvement, Saved by the Bell, or Angel. Give us a break!

* American Idol: WTF? Plenty of people can sing well. I am not impressed by a bunch of young bucks slaughtering classic songs & withstanding shit talking from a cranky Brit. I'm just not.

* C.S.I. or Law & Order: I'll admit that I used to be a L&O junkie but ,honestly, how many hacked up prostitutes & wealthy child molesters can one person handle? Besides, these investigators are always camera-ready (even when they've spent 16 hours at a crime scene) & they totally curtail constitutional rights like it ain't no thing. Propaganda much?

* E!, Vh1, and MTv celebrity "reality" shows: Who the fuck wants to keep up with the Kardashians? Or why should I care that Denise Richard's life is complicated? Why would anyone compete to fuck Flava Flav (or New York for that matter)?

* The Real World: This show was fucking Gold during the first N.Y. season. Also, the L.A., S.F., Miami, Boston, New Orleans & Seattle houses were entertaining (& bore some resemblance to the real world). Now, the show is basically a summer camp for beautiful co-eds, specifically chosen for their sexual appetites & taste for dramatics.

* Poker: I am bored to death when I watch LIVE poker tournaments between people I know (when I at least have the benefit of giving a damn about the drama between players), why the hell would I want to watch strangers bet more money than I make in a year on a game of chance? The only televised competition that is more yawn-inducing is Golf.

* Mind of Mencia: Common Stereotype + Predictable Punch Line - any attempt at originality = Carlos Mencia on Comedy Central. Just because he throws political correctness out the door doesn't make the show edgy, especially when his humor is similar to the shit we used to laugh at on the playground.

CNN: Clearly Not News

* By the way, CNN U.S. did not have a piece on the Iraq War fund debacle listed on it's homepage. What was important to include on the first page of the CNN site? The following retarded shit:

-"Why Israel is Talking to those Bush will not": A 'No Shit' article about why Israeli leaders talk to those nations that pose terrorist risks (like Lebanon, Iran, Egypt) instead of proceeding with unilateral warfare against the dissenters (a la Bush).

- Obama criticized over Auschwitz claim Another stupid attempt to discredit the Democratic forerunner by 'blasting' him for saying that his uncle helped to liberate the captives at the Nazi concentration camp. Auschwitz was liberated by Soviet soldiers and Obama meant to refer to the Buchenwald camp, but the Republican National Committee jumped at the chance to sully Barack's record on matters of defense. Not only did he incorrectly name the wrong camp, the RNC wants you to know that Obama's uncle didn't serve in WWII. It was his great uncle! Fucking Liar!

- Bush 'troubled' by activist's detainment But not by the 300+ detainees at Gitmo, huh? The article is referring to the 5-year detention of Myanmar's pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi. Dubya called on Myanmar to release all it's political prisoners and to open dialogue with Suu Kyi (*stifled laugh*). He actually called on "Burma" to do this, but the nation of Myanmar hasn't been known as "Burma" since the military coup of 1988. Excuse me for my presumptuousness, but shouldn't the leader of our nation be knowledgeable about the NAMES of countries he intends on giving advice? And shouldn't someone be responsible for making sure Dubya's hypocrisy is a little less obvious?

Remember what I said about not ignoring main stream media? Disregard that statement.