Between a mouth and a hard place

I never trust men that don’t like oral sex. If they aren’t down with going down, they really shouldn’t bring that to my attention because they’ll end up looking like a misogynist or a closet homosexual in my eyes and that means No Nookie. I can take it or leave it, but I’m not about to screw somebody that admits they won’t venture south because they find the practice of mouth-to-beaver love unappealing. Basically, I take that as meaning the dude thinks pussies are nasty & that being the case, he probably shouldn’t be sticking his dick in one either! Certainly not mine, anyhow. I understand if a person is weary about oral between strangers and I even have some respect for those that place a higher value on the act of cunnillingus; waiting until a romantic relationship has advanced to whenever Pussy Eating Time is before going there. But if a straight male is adamantly opposed to giving face & has the audacity to vocalize such bullshit, I can almost guarantee that the dick ain’t worth the trouble, Baby. If the douche bag expects to receive a blowjob despite his pussy-phobia & is stupid enough to say that shit out loud around a perspective lover, not only should he be rejected, he should be promptly kicked in the balls. That will sideline his ass for the evening & save all the other ladies in the place from the grim fate of going home with a lousy lay. Might even prevent the wanker from procreating & spreading his malicious sexual mores to future generations.

More annoying than those dipshits are those fucking man-freaks that don’t like receiving oral sex. What the fuck is wrong with these men? Was it traumatic teeth-on-cock action? Ripped foreskin? Some kind of dick related injury? The only acceptable excuses I can think of involve some painful experience while in the mouth of a sadist or a retard. Even then, I’d expect a guy to get the fuck over it eventually. In my worldview, men should always act like getting head is a gift from the Gods themselves and most of the time, this is the case. Normally, the prospect of getting a BJ makes a guy super-excited – like they want to high-five themselves – and THAT is one of the primary goals of giving head! We, the Cocksuckers of America, take pride in our ability to inspire giddy, goofy, retard-happiness in our penis…er…partner. So, what to make of a man that doesn’t want head? Throws off this bitch’s game & I don’t like it one bit. A revelation like that makes me question the basic principals that I base my existence upon, like the shallow nature of male sexuality and the belief that blowjobs can tame the savage beast. Even more aggravating than the mental tailspin Anti-BJ types instigate are the physical repercussions of fucking these guys. A marathon sex session can become an endurance challenge when a gal can’t fall back on oral sex to give her vagina a break every once in awhile & that might cost the dude a call-back session. Anti-BJ-ers are usually under the impression that giving head is a selfless act women perform strictly for the benefit of the recipient & that idea is usually accompanied with other misguided sexual mythology they picked up from porn, like all women enjoy hostile breast fondling or ejaculation in their faces. This is why I distrust men that don’t jump at the chance to get head. I assume they must have ridiculous ideas about other bedroom activities as well and, like I always say, I never want to teach.

Men Doing Manly Things on Film: A Countdown

I am not a chick flick type of gal. Watching The Notebook nearly fucking killed me and when I am exposed to most films labeled “Romantic Comedy” the result can be uncontrollable nausea or violent outbursts. Some films I enjoy are not exactly masculine (think: Me Without You or any of John Hughes’ classics) & I would seriously kill for a decent female stoner-buddy movie, but my film preferences are far from the ridiculous fairytale tripe that Hollywood markets to the ladies. There are even certain actresses & actors that I avoid like the plague because they tend to star in shitty chick flicks more often than not; i.e. Sandra Bullock, Kate Hudson, Colin Firth. One cinematic genre I do adore is Dick Flicks (term is copyrighted by maryjanefoxie, inc.). These movies have casts mostly composed of men, their plots involve manly activities like warfare or high-stakes gambling, and the best ones can be viewed by a mixed gender audience without complaints. They usually avoid gender stereotypes & hyper-sexualized female characters because their focus is masculinity rather than misogyny. Some of them are action flicks, some are comedies, some are crime dramas, but all of them are Dude Oriented without being Aggressively Anti-Female. Basically, the movies I am speaking of allow me to enjoy men at their best without offending my feminist ideals or my male companions. Think of Dick Flicks as being the type of movie that is Boyfriend Friendly, but watching it doesn’t actually require any compromise on your part. Next time your Dude du Jour is trying to force you into yet another screening of Total Recall or The Rock, may I suggest one of these alternatives?

 

1. 300: Men love it for entirely different reasons than us females & they don’t even know it. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what happens in the movie, despite having seen it many times. Usually, I pay a lot more attention to movies with historical plots because I love to dissect their inaccuracies, but this one can do no wrong as far as I am concerned. All I remember is a bunch of sweaty half-naked men running around doing masculine things for two hours & I can find no fault with that. Just peep the screen shots…[If you wanted to like Troy, but thought it took itself way too seriously for being a movie about shit that might not have even happened... this movie is for you.]

 

2. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels: This Guy Richie masterpiece combines a kick ass soundtrack, a cast of accented hotties, and an interesting plot full of twists and turns that entertains gals & guys alike. If you’ve seen Snatch but have yet to view Lock, Stock… trust me, this one deserves to be high up on your Netflix queue. As was the case with Snatch, repeated viewings maybe necessary in order to fully enjoy this film. Those British accents take a minute to get used to & their slang is unfamiliar, but key to several excellent one-liners. Can I mention, once again, how much I love Jason Statham? He will always be my Turkish. [This is a film for fans of Guy Richie, of British working class blokes, or of fast paced plots that don’t allow for much blinking]

 

3. The Boondock Saints: This tale of Irish-born twin brother vigilantes cleaning up Boston’s mean streets is full of gun fights, organized crime villainy, and questionable morals… Just like action films should be! The Luck of the Irish, or maybe the hand of God, aids the twosome in their quest to take down local gangsters & they are joined by their dip-shit pal Rocco a long-term lackey for the Mob, their absentee gun-slinging father, and a homosexual sympathetic federal agent, played by William Defoe. Lots of topless moments (males, of course), fisticuffs, and witty dialogue. Watch the deleted scenes on the DVD version for some completely appropriate full frontal male nudity! Damn, I love me an Irish boy. I love two of ‘um even more. [You’ll like this one if you like action movies. It’s a pretty basic formula of guys, guns, and gangsters.]

 

4. Young Guns: Emilio Estevez, Kiefer Sutherland, Lou Diamond Phillips, Charley Sheen, Dermot Mulroney… all in their hay-day? Need I say more? [For you if you like Tombstone or similar modern-made Wild West-set films about justice, revenge, & a man’s duty.]

 

5. Casino: My favorite gangster movie ever. Joe Pesci, Robert Di Nero, Sharon Stone, shallow graves, gangland politics… it don’t get much better. This one is less about the hottie-factor of it’s actors & more about the way machismo can fuck everything up. Feminist or not, I want to bitch-slap Sharon Stone’s character every time I watch her piss away that magnificent closet full of clothes, all those gems & gold jewelry, not to mention the life insurance policy that is a mobster husband! Once she ties her kid to the bed so that she can go out in that god-awful gold pantsuit, I can only shake my head & mutter “dumb ass fucking broad”. No sympathy for the dipshits, y’know? [If you enjoy any of the other movies starring Joe Pesci & Robert Di Nero as Italian mobsters, you’ll like this one]

 

6. Reservoir Dogs: A botched bank job leads to tense times in this Quentin Tarantino classic. Mr. Pink (Steve Bushemi), Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen), Mr. White (Harvey Keitel), Mr. Blue (Some Old Dude), Mr. Brown (Tarantino), and Mr. Orange (Tim Roth) are probably my favorite of Hollywood’s bank robbers, successful or not. I cannot hear Stuck in the Middle With You without recalling that infamous ear slicing scene! This movie showcases Tarantino’s genius beyond a shadow of a doubt, in my opinion. The scene following the first one in the diner, when all the men walk in slow-mo while Little Green Bag plays & the opening credits roll, is damned smooth. Watching it makes me feel all gangsta’ & shit. [This is your kind of movie if Quentin Tarantino’s other gems entertained you, if your a fan of classic black-and-white heist movies, or if you just like a little grime with your undercover cop drama]

 

7. Fight Club: In real life, a fight club would seem infantile & ridiculous. In this movie it’s sublime in it’s hyper-masculinity, isn’t it? I am not a Brad Pitt fan, but even I can no longer deny his beauty after viewing this movie. Edward Norton is no ugly duckling either. Plus, you have an anti-authoritarian plot (fuck the capitalist system that enslaves us all!), power ballad enthusiast Meat Loaf sporting man tits, & the wonderful Helena Bonham Carter co-staring in this David Fincher film. I am Michelle’s stimulated frontal lobe…  [If you enjoy giving The Man a double helping of The Bird or if you just want to watch a dude go bat-shit crazy & lose control of his own head, this is the film for you]

 

8. Pineapple Express: A stoner-buddy action film birthed by Seth Rogan, Evan Goldberg, and Judd Apatow? Pure fucking cinematic gold! It’s a great comedy, a great action flick, and a great look at the one aspect of male-hood that I am truly envious of… dude friendships. Of course any real “I love you, Man” moments are followed by a series of gay jokes to temper the emotional depth of the scene, but isn’t that how most hetero- guys are when it comes to showing the bros love? Besides, Seth Rogan & James Franco are the most believable pothead characters since Half Baked gave us Thurgood Jenkins, Scarface, Kenny, & Brian. [If you loved Superbad & Forgetting Sarah Marshall but can do without the romantic sub-plots, this movie is for you]

 

9. The Departed: Combine several of my most favorite flavors of Man – the American-born working class Irish, the gangster linked to some ethnically specific mob, the vigilante cop with questionable morals – and add them to a complex Cop & Thug story chock full o’ double-crosses and backstabbing, get the ever-brilliant Martin Scorsese to direct it, bake at 350 for 15 – 20 minutes, then TA-DAH! You have The Departed. Leonardo DiCapiro, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen, & Marky Mark (HE WILL ALWAYS BE MARKY MARK TO ME) star in this prime example of what a Dick Flick is all about. [This is for you if you like any of those movies or TV shows about Boston’s Irish neighborhoods & it’s hyper-masculine street gangs]

 

10. The Usual Suspects: I can’t believe I almost forgot to include this excellent film! Kevin Spacey, Benicio Del Toro, & the fat Baldwin star in this crime thriller about a pack of career crooks & a criminal mastermind with the best villain moniker EVER (It was Keyser Soze!). I’m not about to spoil the beauty of the film’s ending by giving away too many details here, but fuck the rest of the movies I’ve mentioned until you see this one. [If you like movies, you’ll like this one]

 

 

You might notice that I didn’t mention a single Kevin Smith flick. This is because I do not consider his work to be Dick Flick-ish. He writes about women better than most men can (see Chasing Amy) & he doesn’t exclude them from the View Askew universe or regulate them to unimportant supporting characters. The above mentioned movies lack this feminist aspect. Even if they aren’t intentionally misogynist, they are noticeably female-deficient. Hence the label “Dick Flick”.  So, I wasn’t dissing K. Smith by leaving his films off of my list. On the contrary, I was holding him in higher esteem by applying a broader definition to his catalogue of cinematic works.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do But For God Sakes, Dude, Quit Whining!

One of my Go To Complaints about the male species is their inability to take emotional trauma in stride. Pretty much any straight guy over the age of 23 has some tale of heartbreak, that One Girl that did them dirty, & dudes refuse to get the fuck over it. Aside from a small hand full of men that are Don Juans or terminal playboys, it seems that they all are damaged goods (to one degree or another).

Guys will carry a torch for their first love well past it’s expiration date & they swear that they are “over her” or they “fucking hate that bitch”, but catch them on one of those good nostalgic drunk evenings & they spill their guts about how they still love her & yadda-yadda. Trust me on this one: there are few things more pathetically heart-wrenching than watching a full grown bloke whimper about his long-lost lover. Witnessing that shit makes you buy into the whole dramatic storyline that this villainess shattered his heart, to no fault of his own, just because she wanted to hurt the poor boy. All you can say in response to his tale of woe is “What a bitch!”

If the afflicted male isn’t the cry-baby type, his first heartbreak might manifest itself as a fear of commitment, the belief that all women are vile & predatory, or the adoption of a “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes & tricks” mentality. None of these outcomes are desirable, since the rest of us females that eventually hang out with, date, or otherwise interact with these emotional cripples have to deal with bullshit we didn’t even cause! Can I get an Amen, sisters?

This is not to say that women never cling to the edifice of a failed relationship or over-dramatize a break-up to epic proportions (I’ve been guilty of that shit before), but it seems to me that women are better at healing their broken hearts & getting on with their lives than men are. Or at least, we’re quicker. I have loved & lost; I’ve been cheated on & been driven to cheating myself; I’ve been publically embarrassed & shamed by a lover; I’ve even lost friends, homes, possessions, and dignity in the process. BUT I haven’t condemned the entire male species for the actions of one (or two) bastards! Maybe I’m an optimist or maybe I’ve taken a healthy approach to heartache & dealt with it, rather than carrying my romantic failings around with me for all eternity. For you male Readers out there in Internet Land, let me explain how that works:

1. Initially, heartbreak fucking hurts & it’s supposed to. Grieve, cry, sulk, MySpace stalk, drive-by her house at odd hours, get piss-ass wasted & drunk dial all you want in the early stages of a break-up. This is totally acceptable behavior for the first couple months. Feel it, Dude.

2. Rid your home of pictures, sentimental items, and mutually acquired possessions. Box ‘um up & hide ‘um away, if you can’t bring yourself to toss the shit out. If you cannot discuss a particular item in your home without mentioning Her, it should be removed from your sight.

3. Divvy up mutual friends. It sucks but everyone eventually has to pick a side. Especially if it’s a messy break-up.

4. DO NOT JUMP INTO A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE IMMEDIATELY, just to dull the pain. Fuck people, Yes! Whore about town all you want! But do not get serious for awhile. It’s not fair to the new girl, you won’t get rid of the baggage from your previous entanglement, & it’s just a Bad Idea.

5. Do your best to acknowledge mistakes you made, because it’s the only way you can improve yourself & avoid a string of Groundhog’s Day relationships. Owning up to your faults is therapeutic & it will keep you from habitually calling your ex a “crazy bitch”. Women are totally turned off by a guy that only has evil shit to say about his former girlfriends. And, it is partially your fault, believe it or not! Even if she fucked her way across the U.S.A. like she was a porn-version of Lewis and Clark, there is something that you could have done better too! 

6. TALK. Find a sympathetic ear & use it ASAP. Sort the shit out with a mate & you won’t feel the need to bring it up in a drunken rant to a stranger later on.

7. Don’t buy into that bullshit about there only being one person out there for you. That “Meant to be”, “Love of my Life” baloney belongs in Hollywood chick-flicks & in fairy tales. Do you realize how many people are out there? Way too many to believe One Love is all we are granted in this life! If you’re lucky, there will be several.

8. If you really were dating a horrible bitch, re-think the type of skirts you’ve been chasing. Don’t fawn over the high maintenance bitches, the slutty bar flies, the physically violent fire crackers, or whatever your poison maybe. Variety is the spice of life, you know?

9. Remember that re-telling your break up story to every female you attempt to bed is not a good pimpin’ strategy. Girls talk & that kind of shit might get back to your ex. You will boost her ego & make yourself look like an ass.. PLUS you probably won’t get laid to boot!

10. Do whatever you have to do to get over it. Really get over it, not just avoid talking about it! Pretending it never happened isn’t healthy, neither is re-living your heartache every time a girl talks to you. Process the pain, evaluate the situation, heal the wounds & move the fuck on. On behalf of the Single Women of the World, I am begging you.

Journal of a Collector

I love and hate Men. Sometimes, I even pull off both seemingly opposite emotions at the same time. I love how men look, how they talk, how they smell, how they think. I hate how they don’t have to earn their dominance, how they discount my ideas and opinions based solely on my gender, how they think they understand me before they’ve even bothered to get to know me. There is nothing as attractive and aggravating than a self assured man. This, Dear Reader, is part of why us straight females are certifiably fucking crazy. At the risk of sounding like a hypocritical bigot, here are some other observations on the male species that I have accumulated in my travels in the wasteland that is Stockton’s singles scene.

1. No matter how much a guy says he likes strong & independent women, being one of these women puts you at a disadvantage. You run the risk of intimidating them, of emasculating them, of pissing them off just by being yourself. And that, My Dears, does not get you laid.

2. Black men seem to view me & my peers as trophies and marks. Maybe we represent a come-up, like pulling one of us White Girls is a Fuck You to White America. Dominating & pimping a white girl seems to be an ego related endeavor. Why is this? Whatever the reason, I’m done giving black guys my number because I’ve been disappointed every time & I don’t want to embed racist thoughts in my dome.

3. Middle Eastern men flirt with girls like me but they never bother to even get our number. Maybe it’s because they assume I think their al-Qaeda, maybe it’s because they don’t me attractive, or maybe it’s some other reason BUT either way, I am not having any luck pulling my own Slumdog Millionaire.

4. White guys are the easiest to offend with my aggressive personality and feminist ideology. Maybe it’s the same knee jerk reaction that makes them anti-affirmative action, anti-welfare, and anti-prison reform. Maybe it’s not. I don’t know yet, but I’m determined to figure this one out.

5. Younger men appreciate attention from females more. Older ones are more likely to be bitter and jaded.

6. Guys with girlfriends are fun-er and more interesting in bed, but single ones are more likely to sleep over and aren’t worried about scratches and bite marks, so fucking them is less worrisome.

7. Men that refer to their exes as Bitches, Whores, or Fucking Crazy are more likely to treat you like shit. Men that love their mothers make the best lovers.

8. Men that listen to Mad Guy/Sad Guy ballads kill my libido. Even more so than those that listen to Country music.

9. Cuddling is a trait of those still hung up on their ex.

10. I am better off approaching men while drunk, because their flaws are so much less annoying while wasted. I’m sure this has much more to do with me than it does with them.

An Unspoken Tragedy

There are few things that make me sadder than discovering my current boy is a clumsy, awful lay. All the great qualities and desirable traits in the world can’t make up for faulty technique in the bedroom. It really is tragic, folks. Especially since the male ego’s fragile nature is well known in straight girl circles, so all too often shitty lovers are let off the hook by female after female because none of us have the guts to crush his self-esteem by telling him how terrible he actually is. I’ll even admit that I am guilty of faking it, just to wrap things up, then shit talking with friends instead of peeping dude up on game. I haven’t got the time or the will to train a guy! So, until now, I’ve been throwing the dunces back into the pile like everyone else; shirking my responsibility to better the sex-scape for everyone, like a lazy bastard. I guess I deserved my recent run-in with a faulty fling! In an effort to improve my carnal karma, I’ve compiled a list of the most common qualms us gals have with lousy lovers with the hope that some clueless guy might use the heads up to step up his game. Another possibility is the list is read by the chick that clueless dude’s been fucking (badly) and she is inspired to seek greener pastures. If this is the case, Dear Reader, would you mind tagging that man before setting him loose in the wild? Y’know, so the rest of us can easily identify & avoid him? With all the pornography available to & made for straight guys, considering the fact that our society is geared towards fulfilling male fantasies, and taking into account the fact that men have been thinking about little more than sex since they were adolescents… I have no sympathy for men that are useless in bed. They’ve had every opportunity to figure it out & if they’ve made it to this point in adulthood without the necessary skills, that is hardly my fault. Or my responsibility to rectify. Anyhow, I’m not teaching class here; just pointing out the misspelled words. So, here they are, off the top of my head…

The Sex-Related Shit Straight Men Ought to Know By Now

1. The clitoris is not a dick. Do not approach her as such.

2. Trimming your pubes is not metro-sexual. It’s a prerequisite to getting sexual.

3. If all of her clothes are off, yours should be too. Unless it is a quickie-type situation (in which case, partial undress is acceptable & kinda hot). Men that keep their shirts on are obviously unaware of the fact that straight females find torsos attractive. Men that keep their pants partially on are obviously used to post-coital fast get-aways & that can’t be good (unless your husband is expected home soon). Keeping socks on is alright, but unattractive. As a rule: if you didn’t have enough time to remove your clothes before the deed was done, you didn’t get her off. 

4. You need seduction skills (Super Mad Game, even!) and a clear green light from her to go anywhere near the ass. Do not talk about anal sex in terms that suggest pain, idiots. I know pornos would have you believe that women are just dying to have their asses “pounded” or what not, but scary anal sex scenes are exactly why us chicks avoid watching porn! Think about getting fucked in your ass & consider the delicate nature of the situation prior to opening your mouth with regards to the subject.

5. Unless you are told otherwise by your partner or the situation is unavoidable, do not ejaculate on her. It’s common courtesy. Especially when a shower afterwards is not an option. Are you cool running around sporting jizz on your person? If not, assume that she feels the same. If so, all I can say is “ew. gross.” 

6. I don’t know how small breasted women feel about this, but us ample chested ladies are not OK with you biting our tits. It’s not pleasurable, it’s not attractive, and it’s not nice. I have hauled off and punched a dude for pulling that shit. 

7. Learn to give decent face or don’t even bother. I’ve known plenty of ladies that were turned off to the entire practice, because one dude was so embarrassingly awful that he fucked it up for everyone else. If she tells you she doesn’t even like oral after you have just gone down on her, you are that embarrassingly awful guy. For shame.  

8. We do not take it as a compliment when you come too fast. Once in awhile is understood, but you better have a back-up plan. When you pull a Quick Draw McGraw, we are left with the female equivalent of Blue Balls and we start thinking all kinds of mean shit about you. Don’t let the smile & the “It’s OK, Really!” fool you.

9. There is a fine line between men that watch enough porn and men that watch way too much. We can tell the difference, btw. A man that watches enough porn is interesting and fun in bed. A man that watches too much is the sexual equivalent of a Dungeons and Dragons nerd. Don’t let this be you!

10. Lovemaking that results in bite marks, scratches, welts, rug burns, hickies, bruising, or other visible markings had better be hot. If the tell-tale signs of doing the nasty can be seen when she’s in her work uniform & she’s already applied all the concealer that she can, the sex had better have been phenomenal. Trust me, you have better things to do than suck on her neck.

Thank you for listening. Now, let me turn over the floor to Tastiskank for our final remarks on the subject:

 

Quit bullshittin’

Today's annoyance? Lazy citizenship! Everyone is so willing to watch American politics from the sidelines, the bleachers even! Meanwhile, the economy goes down the tubes, civil rights were eroded under our very noses, and we’re stuck in several military engagements that none of us actually wanted! Under our watch, the wealthiest Americans have bilked the rest of us out of our rightful piece of the proverbial pie & left generations ahead holding the bill for their excesses. While you, I, and Joe the Plummer slept at the wheel, America was fucking hijacked! This time around, the hijackers looked like A.G. Spanos instead of Lucky @ the Liquor Store, but that is no excuse! The security breach was massive, a total intelligence failure, & someone must be held accountable! Honestly, that “someone” can only be John Q. Public (and his female equivalent). The late, great Molly Ivins explains it best in the introduction to her 2004 bestseller Who Let the Dogs In?: Incredible Political Animals I Have Known, & I won't attempt to improve upon greatness, so:

“ You have more political power than 99 percent of all the people who have ever lived on this planet.
You can not only vote, you can register other people to vote, round up your friends, get out and do
political education, talk to people, laugh with people, call the radio, write the paper, write your
elected representative, use your e-mail list, put up signs, march, volunteer, and raise hell. All
your life, no matter what else you do - butcher, baker, beggar man, thief/doctor, lawyer, Indian chief -
you have another job, another responsibility: You are a citizen. It is an obligation that requires
attention and effort. And on top of that, you should make it into a hell of a lot of fun."

Damned right! Now-a-days, it should be entertaining to engage in politics! Us Modern Americans have it easy! It ain’t like we have to fight a fucking Revolution against the greatest military force the world had ever seen! Now, that was an era when political participation required some fucking effort! Remember that we don’t have to pit ourselves against ruthless Pinkerton strikebreakers in bloody battle to earn the right to organize into labor unions & we won’t have to spend eighty-plus years petitioning the government for the right to vote & we won’t have to take citizenship tests to “prove” our worthiness to our own government… but generations before us did have to deal with those kind of things. The citizens that came before us, that fought & died before we even hit the scene, did their part to make sure that America had a future. How fucking shitty is it for us to drop the ball now, in the age of the Internet and 24-hour News networks, no less?

I understand how difficult it is to step outside the safe & comfortable political affiliation bubble you are so used to and actually think about issues independently, but It Is Your Duty. Just to start you off on the right foot, here are a few news no-no’s. It is not important to discuss Octo-Mom’s future in parenthood or pornography. Who gives a shit if professional athletes use steroids & why waste time with congressional hearings on the subject? The upper-class’ financial woes do not reflect our own (or those of the majority), so fuck reflecting on how sad Brent and Bunny must be to part with their vacation property or to skip summer in Cabo this year. Some things we should be contemplating, include…

THE PRISON SYSTEM: It is bad, y’all. Not bad, as in “We can do better, Guys!”. It’s bad, as in “Hey! That 3000 lbs. pile of dog shit really smells fucking bad!”. According to the most recent Pew statistics, 1 in every 31 American adults are caught up in the system; either incarcerated in a prison or jail,paroled or on probation. Regardless of your political ideology, you have to admit that something is wrong when The Land of the Free is locking up 1 in every 9 of it’s black men, aged 19 to 34. Correctional departments (I hate that term) eat up more of the state’s budgets than is allotted to education, elementary through college level. Incarcerating so many of our nation’s Mommies & Daddies undoubtedly effects the neighborhoods they leave behind by reducing household income from employment or child support payments, by reducing State, County, or City income from sales taxes, income taxes, property taxes, etc., by leaving children without one or both parental figures… It’s pretty bad, y’all. So, what to do? Lighten up on low-risk, non-violent offenders? Toss out 3 Strikes legislation? Rely heavier on drug courts & treatment programs? Re-evaluate the severity of some of our sentencing guidelines? Institute evangelical programs like Prayer in the Prisons or Locked Down with Our Lord (I made those both up! Sound real though, huh?)? Think people! Fuck WWJD, it’s all about What Would You Do? What Should Uncle Sam Do?

SURVIVING THE SLUGGISH ECONOMY: Cuts have to be made & belts tightened in these fucked fiscal times, but we’ve got to be paying attention to the serious Dick Moves some politicians are pulling to address the economic situation! It is not OK to save a few pennies by cutting off the social services safety-net! It’s wrong to humiliate poor kids with unpaid school lunch tabs by putting them on blast & serving them cold cheese sandwiches until their folks pay up (HERE). It’s not right to underfund the Violence Against Women Act, that provides some funds for domestic violence shelters but also sets aside money for a wide range of other services relating to sexual and domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking. Especially when we know that incidents of domestic violence increase during economic stress! Just look at THIS bullshit for proof that we need all the help we can get on the domestic violence front. Also, can we agree to no longer tolerate THIS mean & hateful bullshit from Michelle Malkin? People that don’t see housing as a fundamental need & those that think it’s appropriate to class-bash the poor (when we dole out billions to the rich) are way too big of Fucking Assholes to have a fan base. Let’s think of some productive, compassionate solutions to the cash crisis instead of pointing fingers at broke folk & cutting funds where they are totally needed. Ideas?

 

Handle the biz, holla’ at your peeps, & what not. Figure it out folks! It’s our right & our responsibility. Follow THIS link to some handy contact information.

Marketing the Gender, Selling us “Sex”, & Other Thoughts About the Human Male

“There probably ain't one woman on Earth who hasn't considered this,
Men are from another planet, How can we possibly co-exist?                                                                                                                     They came from Mars, Women came from Venus,
We think with our brains, Men think with their penis,
Every stereotype has a little bit of truth!                                                                                                                                                                 There's a staircase of evidence, if you needed some proof!
I’m perplexed by the opposite sex; I'll tell you what's next,                                                                                                                      Where I'm gonna direct my love And affection?

I'm gonna get with a woman. You know I might as well,                                                                                                                              I'm'a tell every single guy who be hollerin they can go to hell                                                                                                                 Gonna make her my bride, even though we on the same side,                                                                                                                     Our lips gonna collide when we walk down the aisle                                                                                                                                 Gonna get with a woman and my ex's will be crying cause the ceremony all set                                                                                        But it won't be so bad. I don't mean to diss, I know I'll be missed,                                                                                                       Anyway, guys like when girls kiss!”

                                                                                          - “Guys Like When Girls Kiss“ / Little Jackie

 

THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT STRAIGHT MEN FROM ADVERTISING, the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY, the MEDIA…..    as Opposed To  What I’ve Learned Through Study & Observation of The Species***

1. Guys totally like it when girls kiss! When they kiss while drunk dancing, DOUBLE POINTS! Dressed like college cheerleaders? GUY HEAVEN!! DUDE!     Some guys like the whole porno-esque bi-sluttiness bullshit, basically making you jump through hoops to prove how much you want to please him & keeping it all hetero-oriented; a show for his enjoyment, rather than just watching the women actually being fulfilled by each other. Dude see’s that shit? Not good for the straight male’s spirit. Not good at all. (FYI: drunk dancing in costumes while making out with a chick is not only awkward, it’s sloppy & pathetic game. Forgivable only on Halloween, at night.)

2. Guys are uncivilized, unsanitary, lack decorating sense & hygiene concerns, are culinary morons, and would pretty much die off if somebody doesn’t tie him down by middle age. Some dudes are more image obsessed & concerned with the presentation than I have ever known a woman to be. Some keep their own houses (these men, apparently, don’t live in Stockton, but they do exist elsewhere, I’m told). Since men enjoy eating, they often are capable of making decent food (and manage to survive without Carl’s Jr.). If a guy is a reflection of the Ad Dude Stereotype, you should not attempt to fuck him. That “man” is a child.

3. Men are constantly available, ready, and willing to have sex. It is an undeniable impulse that they are powerless to dismiss. Women just don’t get it, because they don’t really want to fuck. They usually get coerced into it, tricked into it, sweet talked into it, or somehow conquered by the lecherous male!     Unlike the pussy, dicks don’t work sometimes. It happens. But the facade of infallible erections makes us women doubt our skills & dudes doubt their dude-ness. Sucky on all accounts because everyone places way more importance on Softy than it deserves. Men are in charge of the physical body, dicks included. They are not unwitting victims of Pussy Hypnotism. Some of them (many of them) are unable to control the demands of their egos & they blame that shit on their wayward dick, but it’s a bunk charge.  The whole idea that men always convince women to go against their better judgment when hooking up needs to be buried. Far too many men think they have game just because chicks fuck them, Not True! Respect the skills.

4. Boys think Girls have cooties & Dudes need lots of “GUY TIME”. This involves some male gender-exclusive socializing, consisting of any combination of the following: Beer / booze, football / basketball / baseball / golf / bowling / hockey and/or futball, foods that are grilled or deep fried or eaten with your fingers, viewing of half-naked or naked women at strip clubs / on porno / in the hotel / wet t-shirt contest, fixing & discussion of a manly machine such as a car or a riding mower. “GUY TIME” also involves convert operations, lying about location or recreation to one’s significant other is accepted, nay mandated unless you’re whipped! Also, “GUY TIME” is not gay.   Sometimes, GUY TIME is totally gay. Sometimes, it’s used as an excuse when lying to a girlfriend. Sometimes, guys want to communally kick it, similar to the way females do, other times folks are less picky when it comes to the number of X chromosomes a buddy has. Most of the time, when men hang out with each other, they spend the conversation on Peacock-like bullshit (comparing how great they are, things they have, what they did, who they & how they did her, what things the want or are about to do, who’s hustle is sickest, who got the most fucked up that one time in Allen’s basement… ) and the women in the room leave, because this shit is boring as fuck.     

5. ALL dudes “get” cars. Cars are a “guy thing”. Bullshit. That’s why my dad was always “fixing” his truck, rather than “driving” it.

 

 

*** Human test subjects were most definitely used in experiments. Some were even harmed. On several occasions. The sacrifices some men make for science; the pursuit of knowledge is paramount!

Learning to Pick Your Battles: The Hard Way

Sometimes, I am dumbfounded by the level of stupidity folks stoop to. Amused by it, for sure! But also struck by just how unaware some humans seem to be. One such situation is the latest dip-shit move executed by Mr.Banana himself, Ray Comfort. The man earned that moniker in THIS video, where he “puts to rest” the non-theists position with the dumbest “proof” that god exists. Dude, I’ve had the divinity explained to me many times, by many different folks, & never have I been less convinced of the Almighty’s existence! THIS clip of Comfort on the 700 Club is even more ridiculous/hilarious! Now, it is completely alright to be ignorant, as long as you aren’t hurting anybody & Banana-Boy can preach to the brain dead choir until Judgment Day without me giving a shit one way or another. BUT,much to my amusement, he has decided to step his buffoonery up a few levels & challenge Richard Dawkins to a debate! A debate about evolution! Against Richard Dawkins! That, my friends, will be entertainment! Dawkins is a celebrated evolutionary biologist, former Oxford professor, author of The God Delusion, and known on the streets as Darwin’s Rottweiler. Ray Comfort offered $10,000 to Dawkins, in exchange for a chance to debate the man, head-to-head, because he really thinks he has a strong case against evolution! There are people that maybe quite capable of taking on Dawkins, those with strong theologically solid backgrounds, but Comfort is not one of those people by a long shot! Dawkins responded to Comfort’s challenge by upping the ante & requesting $100,000 in the form of a donation to his foundation, which financially contributes to needy secular charities (homepage HERE). This option is apparently too pricey for Ray, who has offered $20,000 as a compromise, but Dawkins ain’t having it. If I had to waste my time listening to some intellectually inferior dipshit that couldn’t debate his way out of a paper bag, I’d hold out for the big money too. I do wish the two would come to some kind of agreement, for my own selfish enjoyment, because that will make one fucking hilarious YouTube video. Fingers crossed!