Marketing the Gender, Selling us “Sex”, & Other Thoughts About the Human Male

“There probably ain't one woman on Earth who hasn't considered this,
Men are from another planet, How can we possibly co-exist?                                                                                                                     They came from Mars, Women came from Venus,
We think with our brains, Men think with their penis,
Every stereotype has a little bit of truth!                                                                                                                                                                 There's a staircase of evidence, if you needed some proof!
I’m perplexed by the opposite sex; I'll tell you what's next,                                                                                                                      Where I'm gonna direct my love And affection?

I'm gonna get with a woman. You know I might as well,                                                                                                                              I'm'a tell every single guy who be hollerin they can go to hell                                                                                                                 Gonna make her my bride, even though we on the same side,                                                                                                                     Our lips gonna collide when we walk down the aisle                                                                                                                                 Gonna get with a woman and my ex's will be crying cause the ceremony all set                                                                                        But it won't be so bad. I don't mean to diss, I know I'll be missed,                                                                                                       Anyway, guys like when girls kiss!”

                                                                                          - “Guys Like When Girls Kiss“ / Little Jackie


THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT STRAIGHT MEN FROM ADVERTISING, the ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY, the MEDIA…..    as Opposed To  What I’ve Learned Through Study & Observation of The Species***

1. Guys totally like it when girls kiss! When they kiss while drunk dancing, DOUBLE POINTS! Dressed like college cheerleaders? GUY HEAVEN!! DUDE!     Some guys like the whole porno-esque bi-sluttiness bullshit, basically making you jump through hoops to prove how much you want to please him & keeping it all hetero-oriented; a show for his enjoyment, rather than just watching the women actually being fulfilled by each other. Dude see’s that shit? Not good for the straight male’s spirit. Not good at all. (FYI: drunk dancing in costumes while making out with a chick is not only awkward, it’s sloppy & pathetic game. Forgivable only on Halloween, at night.)

2. Guys are uncivilized, unsanitary, lack decorating sense & hygiene concerns, are culinary morons, and would pretty much die off if somebody doesn’t tie him down by middle age. Some dudes are more image obsessed & concerned with the presentation than I have ever known a woman to be. Some keep their own houses (these men, apparently, don’t live in Stockton, but they do exist elsewhere, I’m told). Since men enjoy eating, they often are capable of making decent food (and manage to survive without Carl’s Jr.). If a guy is a reflection of the Ad Dude Stereotype, you should not attempt to fuck him. That “man” is a child.

3. Men are constantly available, ready, and willing to have sex. It is an undeniable impulse that they are powerless to dismiss. Women just don’t get it, because they don’t really want to fuck. They usually get coerced into it, tricked into it, sweet talked into it, or somehow conquered by the lecherous male!     Unlike the pussy, dicks don’t work sometimes. It happens. But the facade of infallible erections makes us women doubt our skills & dudes doubt their dude-ness. Sucky on all accounts because everyone places way more importance on Softy than it deserves. Men are in charge of the physical body, dicks included. They are not unwitting victims of Pussy Hypnotism. Some of them (many of them) are unable to control the demands of their egos & they blame that shit on their wayward dick, but it’s a bunk charge.  The whole idea that men always convince women to go against their better judgment when hooking up needs to be buried. Far too many men think they have game just because chicks fuck them, Not True! Respect the skills.

4. Boys think Girls have cooties & Dudes need lots of “GUY TIME”. This involves some male gender-exclusive socializing, consisting of any combination of the following: Beer / booze, football / basketball / baseball / golf / bowling / hockey and/or futball, foods that are grilled or deep fried or eaten with your fingers, viewing of half-naked or naked women at strip clubs / on porno / in the hotel / wet t-shirt contest, fixing & discussion of a manly machine such as a car or a riding mower. “GUY TIME” also involves convert operations, lying about location or recreation to one’s significant other is accepted, nay mandated unless you’re whipped! Also, “GUY TIME” is not gay.   Sometimes, GUY TIME is totally gay. Sometimes, it’s used as an excuse when lying to a girlfriend. Sometimes, guys want to communally kick it, similar to the way females do, other times folks are less picky when it comes to the number of X chromosomes a buddy has. Most of the time, when men hang out with each other, they spend the conversation on Peacock-like bullshit (comparing how great they are, things they have, what they did, who they & how they did her, what things the want or are about to do, who’s hustle is sickest, who got the most fucked up that one time in Allen’s basement… ) and the women in the room leave, because this shit is boring as fuck.     

5. ALL dudes “get” cars. Cars are a “guy thing”. Bullshit. That’s why my dad was always “fixing” his truck, rather than “driving” it.



*** Human test subjects were most definitely used in experiments. Some were even harmed. On several occasions. The sacrifices some men make for science; the pursuit of knowledge is paramount!

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