Laryngitis is my Kryptonite

I talk a lot. Apparently I talk more than your average bear, Booboo, because mother fuckers love to tell me I talk too much. Especially those mo-fos that get a taste of my wrath in a spoken word spar & refuse to admit defeat. Instead of engaging in discussion, these jack-offs discount whatever point I was making by calling attention to the fact that I’m speaking at all. I hate those pricks. But, they aren’t the only ones that call me out for being a Chatty Cathy. My father is convinced that I never shut the fuck up. When the orthodontist told him that I needed molars removed because my mouth was too small, he exclaimed “BULLSHIT! We’re talking about the same girl here?”, then Pops & the Ortho enjoyed a series of Big Mouth = Talk Too Much jokes at my expense. Ha ha, dickheads, didn’t see that one coming. My quieter pals pass their thoughts on to me for pubic announcement, sort of like a living & breathing P.A. system for the painfully shy. They make requests like “Ask him to play this song” or “Go see if that girl is his girlfriend” or “You outta’ tell that bitch to shut the fuck up!”. I am always the one that buddies introduce as “my political friend”, as if warning others that I maybe compelled to jump on a soap box & start spouting my liberal ideology like a left-wing novelty act should the subject of politics come up. Caution: This Woman Speaks On It! Don’t Get Her Started! More often than not, I’m chastised for talking too much, even though I’m much more entertained by debate than I am by giving speeches.I am rarely applauded for my ability to carry on a conversation, but I am often called out for dominating a discussion. Like it’s a bad thing that I know shit, that I bother to form opinions on topics, or that I’m comfortable expressing my viewpoint! I’m not a know-it-all or a bad listener, nor am I a shrinking violet-wallflower type. But, for better or for worse, I talk a lot.   

Sometimes I have an agenda when I speak; other times I just spout off on a stream of consciousness hoping it will lead to a conclusion that justifies my rant. Often, I speak for speaking’s sake, just to give the vocal chords a workout, y’know? I talk a lot in some social settings so as to avoid blending in with the scenery & disappearing all together. I talk to fill the space of an awkward silence or to kick-start conversation when folks have fallen into a stoned stupor. I talk to unload the psychological burden I accumulate in this life and to assure others that they are not that crazy or alone. Sometimes I talk in small child-like tones, sometimes my “inner sista” surfaces and exposes my ghetto roots. Always, my speech is peppered with sarcasm, regional slang, sound effects, and curse words. I especially love compound cuss words and the versatility of the word “bitch”! I avoid using racial slurs because they make me uncomfortable, but I have no qualms instigating class warfare with my commentary. At one time or another, I’ve sounded like a fucking idiot, a ditz, a nerd, a blowhard, and a cold-hearted bitch. I suspect I’ll have opportunities in the future to do so again. I’ve totally gotten busted talking to myself, but I don’t understand people that honestly talk to their pets or plants… or infants. I’m very vocal in bed, at sporting events, when drunk or nervous. I’m not a Jabber Jaw at the movie theatre, in the library, or when I first meet a Scottie-Too-Hottie. I talk mad shit, I pick fights to amuse myself, and I am not likely to excuse blatant misogyny by remaining silent. I speak on what I know, I appreciate the word play found in hip-hop and punk rock, and I abuse the shit out of my First Amendment right to freedom of speech. So, yeah, I suppose I talk a lot.

And what of it?   

                                                                          

Politics is for Suckers

I dislike the words “politics” and “political” because when they are applied to specific topics, a large swath of the population stops paying attention. “I’m not into politics” or “I’m not really political” they say before disregarding the offending subject matter. I prefer to use the labels “Shit That Fucking Matters” or “Fucked Up Shit The Government’s Doing” or similarly phrased declarations of Important! Because you’re being screwed. I understand how dull & confusing the shit can be when uninterested, but need I remind y’all about civic duty? I do my best to ‘splain the situation whenever I can, but there are some things that go so far over my head that I can’t even front like I know what’s up. Such is the case with Obama’s stimulus package-stuff. What the hell is going on? The mainstream media keeps telling me it’s socialism, but I learned long ago that “socialism” is just another Boogey Man intended to distract us Average Folk (like “terrorist”, “Communist”, “pacifist”). Lucky for me, there are like-minded ladies on the Web with the knowledge I seek! Follow THIS LINK to What Tami Said & her first post demystifing the Obama budget from a lay-man’s perspective. She breaks it down on the Department of Housing & Urban Development – their chunk of the budget cash, what it’s being spent on, what the White House plans on doing… Thanks for the schoolin’.

 

I fucking love South Park. They always make sure remind us just how fucking ridiculous we actually are by calling out our social quirks with that unrelenting, vulgar tone that I adore so! Peep the clip on Purity Rings, starring the Jonas Brothers & a pissed off Mickey Mouse, CEO.

For fun-zees, watch the Obama Inauguration celebrations in the Park & giggle with me!

the Obama Celebrations in South Park
by paraoliv

Made me giggle…

2008? Fuck that guy…

Last year blew. It sucked serious donkey balls. The entire set of 365 days was sent from Beelzebub himself to showcase the conditions down below. Seriously though, 2008 was a crap-tastic year that I won’t be nostalgic for any time soon. An informal poll, conducted over several bouts of public binge drinking, confirmed my suspicions that ‘08 wasn’t very popular with the masses either. Why? Let’s review…

* The final year of President Bush’s reign seemed to drag on, a seemingly endless period of an unpopular government making unpopular decisions without regard or foresight. Must have been the extra leap-second tacked on to the end of the year. Or maybe it was the string of stupid shit his administration gave us in 2008.

* The official beginning of the Global Financial Crisis. The U.S. stock market lost it’s will to live. People’s IRA’s & 401K’s were left on their death beds, gasping for breath while the federal government avoided even acknowledging the recession for months after it became clear to everyone else. The price of gasoline soared past $100 per barrel for the first time EVER and went up to $147 per barrel by July. Food prices also went through the roof internationally, sparking riots in the developing nations & a surge in Top Ramen sales domestically. American financial institutions imploded and took out much of the world’s national economies in the process. The Big 3 car manufacturers applied for welfare. Once mighty corporate giants have been falling like flies & Chapter 11 bankruptcy appears to be the chic business move this season. Essentially, 2008 brought the financial “OUCH” heard ‘round the world.

* Politicians were disgraced by the truckload in 2008. NY Governor Elliot Spitzer was linked to a prostitution ring & resigned. Sarah Palin was knocked for behaving like a diva & blowing thousands of bucks on a wardrobe, while running on the Working Man’s Party theme. Rod Blagojevich just got caught trying to sell Obama’s seat in the Senate. Banner year for crooked politicians it was.

* California legalized, then prohibited by Constitutional Amendment, the right to same sex marriage. The Proposition 8 campaign proved that American’s will believe whatever bullshit they see on television ads, however illogical & flat-out untrue it maybe. For the record: Kids can’t go on field trips without parental consent, so a lesbian teacher didn’t force her students to attend a gay wedding against their parent’s will. You don’t formally “learn” about marriage in school, so “teaching” it was never a threat. Families, Marriage, and Children were not endangered by Bill & Ted’s holy matrimony. You were duped.

* The Beijing Summer Olympics. Lamer sports than the Winter version, karaoke at the Opening Ceremonies, and too much compliance with the Chinese government’s media regulations. Why allow China to host the Games if you don’t illuminate the social climate of the nation? That is the point of having a host nation! The mainstream media tip-toed around discussion of Tibetan separatists, the Communist nation’s prosperity despite the lack of capitalism, and China’s zeal for political and religious oppression. Instead, we heard all about the air quality and how capitalist values are gaining popularity in Mao’s land. What a waste of an opportunity. Plus, China whipped our Red, White, & Blue asses when it came to bringing home the gold (except in swimming! Go Phelps!).

* Cyclone Nargis hit southern Asia on May 2 & became the deadliest cyclone of all time, killing an estimated 147,000 people with thousands more missing. Since it made landfall on the politically unstable nation of Burma/Myanmar, the international relief aid was minimal & doled out by an unpopular government more concerned with the political repercussions of Nargis than the cost in human life. Relief workers were initially denied access to the afflicted regions, resulting in unnecessary suffering and starvation, by Burma’s military junta. There have been reports of government workers trading food and supplies for physical labor within the refugee camps & exploiting the suffering of Burmese citizens like a bunch of assholes. Yet another public relations fuck-up for the military junta of Burma & another atrocity suffered by the Burmese people at the hands of their own government. Other climate concerned happenings included June’s Typhoon Fengshen that killed hundreds in the Philippines, February’s tornado outbreak in the U.S. that left a record 58 people dead, a snowstorm in January that resulted in 133 dead Chinese folks, Hurricanes Gustav, Hanna, & Ike slammed the Caribbean & the still recovering Gulf Coast, and the Santa Catarina floods in Brazil caused mass evacuations and 126 deaths in late November. 

* August 7th saw the start of the 2008 South Ossetia War between Russia and Georgia. The separatist region of Georgia, the South Ossetia mentioned in the conflict’s title, was backed by the Russian government in opposition to Georgia’s claim on the territory. When Georgian forces tried to punk the separatists, Russia sent in troops & the mutual ass beating commenced. Technically, the war ended by mid-August but there has been an on-going stream of reports about violent incidents in the border region & Georgia’s diplomatic relations with Russia are not exactly doing well. Especially when the Russians give vocal support to every sect that wishes to free themselves from Georgian control.

* Comedians George Carlin and Bernie Mac; Hollywood Hotties Brad Renfro & Heath Ledger; Ideologically Entertaining Right-wingers Charlton Heston, Tony Snow, & Jesse Helms; South Park’s own Isaac Hayes; the Iconic Bettie Page; and Nixon’s nemesis “Deep Throat” (a.k.a. Mark Felt) all kicked the bucket in 2008.

* The heavy metal band Quiet Riot (“Come on feel the noise, Girls rock your boys…”) disbanded. Now, these washed up rockers will be available to lend dull & asinine commentary to even more Vh1 Countdowns. The Police officially ended their run & I am personally fearful of the crap-music of Sting’s solo career, which he now has more time for, so The Police’s demise is tragic in my book. Scott Wieland was booted from Velvet Revolver & an actually promising rock act was announced dead… probably overdose, huh Scott? The most embarrassing musical fiasco of the year was undoubtedly the return of the New Kids on the Block. A close second was the long-awaited release of Guns N’ Roses “Chinese Democracy”. Talk about yawn-worthy tunes.

* Thailand has been in a state of political turmoil throughout 2008. The People’s Alliance for Democracy (PAD) resumed it’s popular protests of the Thai government’s policies & diplomatic relations with Cambodia. PAD protesters invaded & occupied the Government House (the Thai version of The White House) in August, causing the temporary freeze of transportation and communications in the country. Several airports were seized by the PAD. In September, violence erupted & the Thai government declared a state of emergency, but Prime Minister Samak was ousted shortly thereafter & the declaration was revoked. The Thai Supreme Court has since dissolved the nation’s three top political parties, sort of like calling “Do Over!” in the political realm. The country is now as politically divided as our own nation & an ease in the turbulence isn’t foreseen in the near future.

* 2008 was designated by the United Nations as the International Year of the Potato and the International Year of Sanitation. 'Spuds and sewage? Not exactly appealing, interesting, or awe-inspiring. Let’s make ‘09 tasty & entertaining by naming it the International Year of Baklava and Explosive Demolition!

* The lamest sequels & other dumb films were prolific in 2008. Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? Rambo? Australia? The Day The Earth Stood Still? Answer: Super fucking sucky cinema.

In conclusion, FAREWELL 2008 and Fuck Off!  

Ms Michelle’s Annual Thanksgiving Day List

A few days ago, I tried to write about things I am thankful for, in honor of the season, y’know? Everything I came up with sounded contrived and unnaturally optimistic, which is not my style. Unless I am under the influence of some recreational drug or post-coital high, I am never “optimistic”. Especially during the holiday season. So, I waited until half the bottle of Jack was pulsating ‘round my bod before attempting this here list. Alcohol induced honesty is more like me. Don’t cha’ think?

* Booze: Duh. If it weren’t for the drink, I might not ever be ready for public consumption. The hangovers & bruises are a small price to pay for the temporary relaxation and carefree mind state, in my opinion.

                                                                         

* Men: They are interesting & confusing creatures that make this life entertaining. I still think I’m smarter than most, but what’s wrong with that? After all, if I were responsible for the hunting that Early Man did, we’d starved before we thought about leaving Africa.

* Tampons: Remember when you had to use pads? No further explanation necessary.

                                                                 

* My Literacy: If I couldn’t read as well as I do, I’d probably be talking to myself much more often. As it is, I’m sick of hearing the shit that comes out of my mouth.

* Elaine: I miss my favorite blond pothead. When we perfect cloning humans, it’ll be advantageous to the species to duplicate Ms. Austin.

                                                                     

* It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Quite possibly The Funniest Show on TV. If you don’t get it after watching one episode, just view a couple more & the plots will make much more sense. God, Mac is a hottie.

* Homemade Tamales: I bought a shit-load off of a co-worker’s wife & the corn husk-chicken-lard-y gooddess has renewed my efforts to get adopted by a Mexican Grandmother. I want to get bags of tamales annually & be called Mi’ja by the familia. Us White Folk just don’t have an equivalent term of endearment!

* Indoor Plumbing & Toilet Paper: Just think what your existence would be like without these two aspects of civilized society… Fucking nasty, dude.

Recovering from a night of debauchery and trouble-making is a long and complicated process

It usually involves way too much sleep, consuming a bunch of crappy food as quickly as possible, reviewing my telephone’s call log, and avoiding the mirror at all costs. Today’s post-drunk situation was no different. I’m still sort of confused & Cat should probably call me with the details soon. Anyhow, I hope everyone else's Fourth was equally off-the-hook & if you have any information about my whereabouts last night, please call the local authorities.

On Jealousy

I am going to come totally clean with this post, so give me a little credit & try not to diss my irrational train of thought to harshly.

I am just as likely as any other female to fall victim to the evil virus known as jealousy. Until someone invents a vaccine, I suspect that my immune system won’t be of any use in overcoming the affliction. It creeps up unexpectedly and quickly gains control of my normally rational mind, souring my mood and instigating a bout of depression. Jealousy is clearly the creation of some un-Godly being, since I can’t fathom when it would possibly be of any good use. One of it’s most destructive aspects is it’s entirely self contained nature. Jealousy is born inside our own psyches, caused by our own self-doubt and insecurities, and is directed at other people that may or may not even know what the hell is going on inside our twisted lil’ heads. Friends, acquaintances, kin, co-workers, or random passer-by's might be the focus of our jealous thoughts, but they don’t have to actually do anything to inspire our jealousy. Other emotions; like anger or lust; usually don’t arise without some participation from another person. Jealousy, on the other hand, can rage behind an otherwise calm facade without the other person even noticing what the hell is going on. This makes jealousy especially dangerous to personal relationships. The ‘J’ word is truly a stealth Weapon of Mass Destruction.

I was stricken by jealousy so intense this past week that I wasted an entire weekend. Unbeknownst to a friend of mine, I was overcome by my irritation and envy while we were out on the town. Our outing was intended to lift her spirits and make her new found single state a little more bearable. As any friend would, I was playing the role of Louise to her Thelma. By the evening’s end, I had grown weary of playing second fiddle. I’m pretty sure that my jealousy was masked well, since I can’t remember making any snide comments or throwing any hissy fits. Never the less, I feel terrible about it. I feel guilty and mean because she was in need of an ego-boost and I shouldn’t have be so bitchy inside my head.

Fuck Jealousy.

On Boredom

I am not the type to take boredom in stride. I despise being bored. This is probably why I think about unimportant, purely entertaining, shit so often; I am simply trying to fill the void of time with stuff that amuses me. My rants and rambles on topics such as what I would wish for if I stumbled upon a genie in a bottle or the best time of year to overthrow an oppressive military government serve the same purpose as television programs or fiction novels. Instead of reflecting on my dull and insignificant existence in times of inactivity, I escape into Imagination Land. Unfortunately, I am not blessed with the creativity that some folks use to compose music or write screenplays. Nope, I am severely lacking in creativity. Imagination, yes. Creativity, not so much. The product of my silly thoughts becomes fodder for future conversations, instead of a best selling book or epic comic book series. I can’t draw or sing, I can’t play an instrument or understand poetic symbolism, so my boredom is entirely unproductive. In this world where commercial value and tangible results are paramount, my boredom proves my suspected worthlessness and, in turn, depresses the hell out of me. This being the case, I’ll do all most anything to avoid being bored. I’ll write down my current opinions in blog format, I’ll read books and periodicals for hours at a time, I’ll watch all the special features (including the director’s commentary track) on a DVD, I’ll dismantle a toaster and cover it’s outsides with a collage made of clippings from Rolling Stone Magazine, I’ll do just about anything.

There you have it. That’s what I think about boredom.

My fame precedes me

I wrote a shitty Letter to the Editor of my local paper & they actually printed it without the usual amount of edits & omissions! Read my sarcastic blurb HERE. ( under Leaving No Child Untested). Take that, Record editorial staff! That'll teach you to fuck with SUSD!

Dark Days & Drunken Nights

I've not been in the best of moods lately, as some of y'all may have noticed. Being sad is not one of my strong suits (I think it makes my ass look fat). I've managed to get past the worst of it (I think) & have found my way back to the happy medium I prefer (the "angry" place, as I call it). My goals for the next week, include: turning my phone back on, staying out of the bottom of a bottle, attending my scheduled work shifts, and getting around to cleaning up the scattered shards from my birthday (when I said "scattered shards", I wasn't talking in the figurative "my life sucks" way, I literally mean that my basement is carpeted with glass shards & I gotta' deal with that shit!). Until then, here's my commentary and/or complaints:

*** Phyllis "Gender Traitor" Schlafly got dissed in a big way at Washington University's commencement ceremony, where the Evil One was scheduled to receive an honorary doctorate on Friday. According to a WU professor, approximately 75% of the 2800 graduates and 2/3 of the remaining audience (est. 14,000) turned their backs on Schlafly during her introduction & speech in protest. A few faculty members even left the stage to join the in the show of disapproval. Schlafly's response? The dissenters were "bitter women" and "a bunch of losers" that had been mislead by women's studies courses and the protest was "juvenile". According to the Ultimate Hypocrite, the protesters had little respect for the stay-at-home wife/homemaker, female ideal she champions as a mold for us all. Funny how the lady thinks you & I should be prepping for our future Donna Reed roles (or should be already living the "dream" in my case), but she has made a career traveling the nation on speaking tours, writing books, & heading up organizations in complete opposition to that very ideal... I promise as soon as she shuts the fuck up & abides by her own advice, I will stop referring to her as my own personal Anti Christ! Anyhow, here's the link to a video of the event, courtesy of FOX. Can we stop calling her "conservative" and just start calling her "crazy"?

*** The latest issue to arise relating to the stupid fence that Homeland Security is building along the Mexican border has spawned a class-action lawsuit, filed yesterday in Texas. According to The Record, Texas mayors and business owners have filed the suit alleging that HLS Secretary Michael Chertoff cheated landowners out of their due compensation & failed to adequately inform them of their property rights. The suit seeks to suspend work on the fence & force Homeland Security to renegotiate all contracts with landowners. Of course, HLS mouthpieces called the suit a "delaying tactic" & refused to comment on the validity of it's charges.

*** The ladies at feministing.com (whom I admire & have much respect for) recently posted a bit dissing Obama for calling a reporter "sweetie". While I get the point that his comment is, by definition, sexist, I can't entirely agree that it was wrong. As a waitress that barely holds it together when folks bark orders & requests at me from all directions, I find myself referring to customers as "hon", "dear", "doll", etc. as a way to show them that I mean no disrespect when I ignore them because I'm busy. I'll fly by a table a few times on an errand or what not, but when I finally do get around to taking their order, I say things like "what can I do for you, hon?" just to prove that it wasn't anything personal. Watching the video of Barack's faux pas (below), I found myself relating to his usage of the word "sweetie". It seems to me that he is trying to get through the throng of reporters & isn't trying to ignore the woman's question, so he throws out the term of endearment to let her know heard her but can't respond just yet. Thoughts?

Birthday in a Basement: Re-Cap

Thanks to all those folks that showed up last night; I had a fucking blast! Quite possibly the funniest birthday party I've had in years! No drama, more than enough alcohol, entertaining companions, and (besides the lack of sexual interaction) an all over kick ass night! A few things we learned last night were: 1. My Me First & the Gimmie Gimmies Take A Break CD is totally fucking scratched, making 'Nothing Compares 2 U' unplayable. 2. The Date Rape bed is freaky as hell now, especially with all the references to that Belgian molester guy, Thanks a lot 3. Breaking glass is so much fun when nobody gets in trouble for it! I knew that indoor window served a purpose 4. I've got to get some decent colored paint or the basement is gonna’ look like a murder scene 5. When in doubt, The Clash always works. On a individual personal note:

- Little: I loved the fact that you & Ray came through, but I hate the fact that we smokers had to segregate because of our shitty habit. I love you, my bro-in-law, and the currently incubating niece your carrying around. Mi familia por vida, bitches.

- Cat: As always, the in-it-for-the-long-haul homegirl & official party photographer, Ms Cat (soon to be Mrs Cat?) kept the atmosphere upbeat & the party crackin'. You know how indispensable you are, Girl!

- Buster: I am so fucking glad you were down to party like a rock star even though my whip-cracking sister scheduled you to work in the am. "Nostalgia" is right! (P.S. As I was writing this, I changed my shirt...again).

- Dustin: Understand that I'm a drunk, an asshole, and completely full of shit. Except where that shiny shirt is concerned. Thanks for using your nose as a paint print on the mural & putting up with my quasi-abusive antics.

- Kelly & Anthony: I love you guys! Next time, I'll just lock you downstairs & prohibit you from attending work the next day. Funny how Ant left me his keys, just as y'all brought mine back.

- Shannon: Thank you so much for coming over! Cat, Buster, & I were chuggin' on that bottle of Malibu all night! Much Love, my fellow history buff!

- Casey: I'm an asshole, huh? Still love your crippled ass though. Sorry I sucker punched you.

- Aaron & Sarah: Too bad y'all couldn't stay longer, but let me tell y'all "I Love Free Birthday Pills".

- Jessica: Dude, I was like waiting for y'all to get there all night & then y'all ditch me for Silas & Stokely? Your forgiven because those make-up bags you got me are fucking cute (& the Bare Essentials lotion set kicks ass too)!

- Katie: Having responsibilities, like jobs that make you show up before noon, sucks. BUT the kitty crack accessories you gave me are greatly appreciated! Sorry I was too whacked out to pay attention! Love you!

- Sarah: Dude! Long time no see! Now you know where I'm at, feel free to come through dude!

- OT: Your tits look great. Good thing our sexual preferences differ or I might have to start seeing you as competition!

- Becca: I haven't been cooking because there isn't anyone to eat the leftovers anymore! Miss you! Hey, We're having a baby!

- Melissa & Jen: Thanks for coming by & I'm sorry I was two sheets to the wind by that point! I'm sorta amusing though, so 'your welcome'!

- Sam & Amanda: Thank you for participating the debauchery that was last night! Cha cha cha.

- Everyone Else: Dudes & Dudettes, thank you and Goddess Bless.

To the people that couldn't make it, no biggie baby! Elaine has the flu & understandably was bed ridden. Tosh loves his Mommy & that is all good. Brittany was on a rat hunting safari & her PETA-esque commitment is commendable. No hard feelings y'all. You just owe me a beer or two.