Men Doing Manly Things on Film: A Countdown

I am not a chick flick type of gal. Watching The Notebook nearly fucking killed me and when I am exposed to most films labeled “Romantic Comedy” the result can be uncontrollable nausea or violent outbursts. Some films I enjoy are not exactly masculine (think: Me Without You or any of John Hughes’ classics) & I would seriously kill for a decent female stoner-buddy movie, but my film preferences are far from the ridiculous fairytale tripe that Hollywood markets to the ladies. There are even certain actresses & actors that I avoid like the plague because they tend to star in shitty chick flicks more often than not; i.e. Sandra Bullock, Kate Hudson, Colin Firth. One cinematic genre I do adore is Dick Flicks (term is copyrighted by maryjanefoxie, inc.). These movies have casts mostly composed of men, their plots involve manly activities like warfare or high-stakes gambling, and the best ones can be viewed by a mixed gender audience without complaints. They usually avoid gender stereotypes & hyper-sexualized female characters because their focus is masculinity rather than misogyny. Some of them are action flicks, some are comedies, some are crime dramas, but all of them are Dude Oriented without being Aggressively Anti-Female. Basically, the movies I am speaking of allow me to enjoy men at their best without offending my feminist ideals or my male companions. Think of Dick Flicks as being the type of movie that is Boyfriend Friendly, but watching it doesn’t actually require any compromise on your part. Next time your Dude du Jour is trying to force you into yet another screening of Total Recall or The Rock, may I suggest one of these alternatives?

 

1. 300: Men love it for entirely different reasons than us females & they don’t even know it. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what happens in the movie, despite having seen it many times. Usually, I pay a lot more attention to movies with historical plots because I love to dissect their inaccuracies, but this one can do no wrong as far as I am concerned. All I remember is a bunch of sweaty half-naked men running around doing masculine things for two hours & I can find no fault with that. Just peep the screen shots…[If you wanted to like Troy, but thought it took itself way too seriously for being a movie about shit that might not have even happened... this movie is for you.]

 

2. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels: This Guy Richie masterpiece combines a kick ass soundtrack, a cast of accented hotties, and an interesting plot full of twists and turns that entertains gals & guys alike. If you’ve seen Snatch but have yet to view Lock, Stock… trust me, this one deserves to be high up on your Netflix queue. As was the case with Snatch, repeated viewings maybe necessary in order to fully enjoy this film. Those British accents take a minute to get used to & their slang is unfamiliar, but key to several excellent one-liners. Can I mention, once again, how much I love Jason Statham? He will always be my Turkish. [This is a film for fans of Guy Richie, of British working class blokes, or of fast paced plots that don’t allow for much blinking]

 

3. The Boondock Saints: This tale of Irish-born twin brother vigilantes cleaning up Boston’s mean streets is full of gun fights, organized crime villainy, and questionable morals… Just like action films should be! The Luck of the Irish, or maybe the hand of God, aids the twosome in their quest to take down local gangsters & they are joined by their dip-shit pal Rocco a long-term lackey for the Mob, their absentee gun-slinging father, and a homosexual sympathetic federal agent, played by William Defoe. Lots of topless moments (males, of course), fisticuffs, and witty dialogue. Watch the deleted scenes on the DVD version for some completely appropriate full frontal male nudity! Damn, I love me an Irish boy. I love two of ‘um even more. [You’ll like this one if you like action movies. It’s a pretty basic formula of guys, guns, and gangsters.]

 

4. Young Guns: Emilio Estevez, Kiefer Sutherland, Lou Diamond Phillips, Charley Sheen, Dermot Mulroney… all in their hay-day? Need I say more? [For you if you like Tombstone or similar modern-made Wild West-set films about justice, revenge, & a man’s duty.]

 

5. Casino: My favorite gangster movie ever. Joe Pesci, Robert Di Nero, Sharon Stone, shallow graves, gangland politics… it don’t get much better. This one is less about the hottie-factor of it’s actors & more about the way machismo can fuck everything up. Feminist or not, I want to bitch-slap Sharon Stone’s character every time I watch her piss away that magnificent closet full of clothes, all those gems & gold jewelry, not to mention the life insurance policy that is a mobster husband! Once she ties her kid to the bed so that she can go out in that god-awful gold pantsuit, I can only shake my head & mutter “dumb ass fucking broad”. No sympathy for the dipshits, y’know? [If you enjoy any of the other movies starring Joe Pesci & Robert Di Nero as Italian mobsters, you’ll like this one]

 

6. Reservoir Dogs: A botched bank job leads to tense times in this Quentin Tarantino classic. Mr. Pink (Steve Bushemi), Mr. Blonde (Michael Madsen), Mr. White (Harvey Keitel), Mr. Blue (Some Old Dude), Mr. Brown (Tarantino), and Mr. Orange (Tim Roth) are probably my favorite of Hollywood’s bank robbers, successful or not. I cannot hear Stuck in the Middle With You without recalling that infamous ear slicing scene! This movie showcases Tarantino’s genius beyond a shadow of a doubt, in my opinion. The scene following the first one in the diner, when all the men walk in slow-mo while Little Green Bag plays & the opening credits roll, is damned smooth. Watching it makes me feel all gangsta’ & shit. [This is your kind of movie if Quentin Tarantino’s other gems entertained you, if your a fan of classic black-and-white heist movies, or if you just like a little grime with your undercover cop drama]

 

7. Fight Club: In real life, a fight club would seem infantile & ridiculous. In this movie it’s sublime in it’s hyper-masculinity, isn’t it? I am not a Brad Pitt fan, but even I can no longer deny his beauty after viewing this movie. Edward Norton is no ugly duckling either. Plus, you have an anti-authoritarian plot (fuck the capitalist system that enslaves us all!), power ballad enthusiast Meat Loaf sporting man tits, & the wonderful Helena Bonham Carter co-staring in this David Fincher film. I am Michelle’s stimulated frontal lobe…  [If you enjoy giving The Man a double helping of The Bird or if you just want to watch a dude go bat-shit crazy & lose control of his own head, this is the film for you]

 

8. Pineapple Express: A stoner-buddy action film birthed by Seth Rogan, Evan Goldberg, and Judd Apatow? Pure fucking cinematic gold! It’s a great comedy, a great action flick, and a great look at the one aspect of male-hood that I am truly envious of… dude friendships. Of course any real “I love you, Man” moments are followed by a series of gay jokes to temper the emotional depth of the scene, but isn’t that how most hetero- guys are when it comes to showing the bros love? Besides, Seth Rogan & James Franco are the most believable pothead characters since Half Baked gave us Thurgood Jenkins, Scarface, Kenny, & Brian. [If you loved Superbad & Forgetting Sarah Marshall but can do without the romantic sub-plots, this movie is for you]

 

9. The Departed: Combine several of my most favorite flavors of Man – the American-born working class Irish, the gangster linked to some ethnically specific mob, the vigilante cop with questionable morals – and add them to a complex Cop & Thug story chock full o’ double-crosses and backstabbing, get the ever-brilliant Martin Scorsese to direct it, bake at 350 for 15 – 20 minutes, then TA-DAH! You have The Departed. Leonardo DiCapiro, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen, & Marky Mark (HE WILL ALWAYS BE MARKY MARK TO ME) star in this prime example of what a Dick Flick is all about. [This is for you if you like any of those movies or TV shows about Boston’s Irish neighborhoods & it’s hyper-masculine street gangs]

 

10. The Usual Suspects: I can’t believe I almost forgot to include this excellent film! Kevin Spacey, Benicio Del Toro, & the fat Baldwin star in this crime thriller about a pack of career crooks & a criminal mastermind with the best villain moniker EVER (It was Keyser Soze!). I’m not about to spoil the beauty of the film’s ending by giving away too many details here, but fuck the rest of the movies I’ve mentioned until you see this one. [If you like movies, you’ll like this one]

 

 

You might notice that I didn’t mention a single Kevin Smith flick. This is because I do not consider his work to be Dick Flick-ish. He writes about women better than most men can (see Chasing Amy) & he doesn’t exclude them from the View Askew universe or regulate them to unimportant supporting characters. The above mentioned movies lack this feminist aspect. Even if they aren’t intentionally misogynist, they are noticeably female-deficient. Hence the label “Dick Flick”.  So, I wasn’t dissing K. Smith by leaving his films off of my list. On the contrary, I was holding him in higher esteem by applying a broader definition to his catalogue of cinematic works.

The Watchmen: All the Blue Penises one girl can wish for

Last night, I saw The Watchmen at a local theatre & I still feel dirty. “Dirty” like I’ve been exposed to something that good little boys & girls should never have to witness. Why do I feel this way? It isn’t the film’s depiction of a U.S.A. ran by a four term President Nixon, although the thought did inspire a bit of nausea. It wasn’t the original Silk Spectre’s nostalgic reflection on the attempted rape she survived, although that was rough to witness. It wasn’t the annoyingly miss-matched & inappropriately timed coupling of the current Silk Spectre & the retired Night Owl, even if those sexy scenes were embarrassingly awkward. It wasn’t the pointless name dropping (Lee Iacocca? WTF?), the fact that Rorschach looked like Danny Bonoduchi, or the constant reminders that “the Soviets”/“the Commies" are major threats to America in The Watchmen’s alternate universe (we understood after a few mentions, no need to bring it up EVERY fucking scene!). The reason I feel so bothered by The Watchmen was all those blue, glowing, Dr. Manhattan dicks. I can honestly say that I have never seen so many blue penises in my life. It is possible that I have never seen that many regularly colored dicks in my life, but I definitely haven’t seen that many blue ones. There was even a scene which had at least six (maybe more) blue dicks on the screen at once! Gratuitous male nudity, much? I need awhile to process all those images of radioactive male genitalia before I am able to judge The Watchmen on it’s cinematic merits. I may need speak to a trauma councilor or something, because there are some images a girl can’t just bounce back from. An onslaught of blue cock is one of them.

** I was impressed with the opening sequence though!

Slumdog Millionaire as reviewed by a Low Class Broke Ass

 

Thanks to the Cousin, I had the pleasure of seeing Slumdog Millionaire this evening. Y’ know how everyone keeps saying the film is “beautiful” and “moving”? That’s because it is. No bullshit, fuck the hype. This movie was good and, I think, worthy of its Oscars. I already had a thing for Dev Patel (the actor that played Jamal), ever since I watched his early shit on British television (a teen drama called Skins), so my assessment may be partially influenced by a mini-crush on the lead actor, I admit. I think M.I.A. is a badass & her music is featured throughout the flick (I “think” she’s a badass, because I don’t know for sure; I can’t actually understand a lot of her lyrics and I don’t know a whole lot about Sri Lankan refugee culture, so my opinion is based on the music I’ve been exposed to and the whole Performing @ the Grammys While 9 Months Pregnant thing. I’m pretty convinced she can be described as a badass…). The story itself appealed to my faith in the resiliency of the human spirit. People can experience some fucked up shit, be constantly exposed to the worst aspects of humanity, and still find beauty, love, compassion for other human beings. That’s beautiful shit right there! That “what makes life worth living” stuff, I suppose. Slumdog Millionaire made my heart hurt, as it should, with it’s portrayal of the ravages of poverty. Real fucking poverty is painful acknowledge & children getting hurt /exploited is tough to stomach; I must have uttered “Oh, that poor baby!” under my breath dozens of times during the movie. It takes a serious yank to my heartstrings for that kind of maternal response to surface, so trust in the fact that this movie is properly described as “moving”.

My viewing of Slumdog Millionaire was quite timely, since a conversation about the film has sprung up in the blogosphere today, addressing the film from a social justice stand point and a feminist perspective. Mitu Sengupta has written an Alternet commentary, titled “Slumdog Millionaire: A Hollow Message of Social Justice” , in which he highlights the film’s “dehumanizing view of those who live and work within the country’s slums” and “disempowering narrative about the poor”. Prior to reading the article, I hadn’t noticed the way the movie did take on it’s subject with a paternal & colonial-esque manner, but…come to think of it… India was portrayed as a Third World nation of victims. I agree that “it [Slumdog]grossly minimizes the capabilities and even the basic humanity of those it so piously claims to speak for.” The way slum life is depicted is similar to the condescending way movies have tried to portray life in the modern broke-ass American family or the life of a child raised by substance abusers. Meaning: they’re always 100% negative situations, forgetting all the good shit, & make me think the writer/director/whomever has never even been poor/high/etc. so are unqualified to speak on the subject. I’m totally feeling the gist of that article. Although, I think Australia stunk of paternalistic storytelling much more than Slumdog. Hands down!

The character of Latika set off feminist spidey senses at Feministing.com & Samitha discusses it in Slumdog Millionaire wins Picture of the Year!. A similar argument is made here; that the movie depicts her as helpless and without agency. The discussion is continued at Bitch, PhD. (Samhita on Slumdog). There’s a pretty interesting Feministing Community post titled The Narrative of the Masculine Hero in Slumdog Millionaire and Kung-Fu Panda;  Then, there are the Racialicious movie reviews: Perception Through the Lens of Slumdog Millionaire & You're The Man Now Dog: The Racialicious Review of Slumdog Millionaire. Controversial beefs with the movie are aired on the California NOW blog (The Slumdog Millionaire Controversy: Race, Class, Gender, and Colonialism), a needed reality check is delivered at Sacredcows.com (What ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ represents), and a film-geek offers praise at Season of the Bitch (Slumdog Millionaire).

While it is true that Latika and Jamal were way to pretty (hot, is the appropriate term, I think) & spoke in upper-class accents, we have to admit that movies do that kind of shit (the adjective “Hollywood” is synonymous with “fake”, right?). One gripe I did have with the movie that nobody else touched on was the closing scene. All that build up & that kiss? Weak! Maybe I’m just a perv, but I was expecting a way hotter embrace. On that note, I’ll take my leave from the subject.

Fine! I Admit It! Bitches really are crazy.

I hate to sell us out, Ladies, but the fact is We Are F-ing Crazy. Not “crazy” in that “She’s off the hook!” way that carries somewhat of a positive connotation, suggesting power and a no-bullshit attitude. Nope. Full-on, fucked in the head, distorted perspective of reality, padded walls & buckled jackets type of “crazy”. It is hard to deny this fact when you stop & consider the way we see ourselves, each other, the whole of woman-hood. Who else but the truly crazy hate their bodies the way we do & try everything in their power to force their figures into impossible shapes and sizes? Who else but the mentally ill would subject themselves to such levels of self loathing rooted in aspects of our physical appearances that we have no control over? Is it not abnormal to have such distorted visions of ourselves, to be blind to our own fabulousness because one minor flaw sticks out in our minds above all else? What about the way we detach ourselves from our bodies? As if the mind & the bod were mutually exclusive entities; one having to babysit & regulate the other, which never seems to project the person we are inside no matter how little we eat, how much we spend on our beauty regime, or what ridiculous women’s magazine “advice” we follow to the letter. It’s not like being a female is one long trip to Wakko World; don’t get me wrong! At some point after high school is over, you learn to give yourself a break now & again. BUT, it never really goes away does it? You still have spats of the “crazy” & you still judge other females by the book’s cover, so to speak. Self-loathing is either less extreme these days or it’s so much a part of your day-to-day that you notice it less than you used to, but either way it’s still hanging around; dictating your wardrobe choices, shot-calling when it comes to how much time you spend “getting ready”, and regulating when it is that you draw attention to yourself. I mean, shit! Look at the way advertisers speak to our inner crazy person to convince us to purchase their crap! Even they know what is going on in our heads, just how distorted our body image actually is, even if we aren’t all that quick to admit it out loud.

This one here is an ad for breast augmentation. Look how happy & healthy (& scar free) she is with her new fake tits! Don’t you want to be happy & secure enough to frolic about top-less? Yeah? Then buy you some silicone falsies, undergo a notoriously painful surgery that will increase the likelihood of breast cancer going undetected in it’s early (& easiest to treat) stages, run a 25-40% chance of having to undergo a second surgery to correct issues associated with the initial implants, and get used to the idea that your formerly normal breasts may now “leak”, “rupture”, “deflate”, “harden” from the presence of scar tissue around the implant, or result in irreparable nerve damage! Maybe even develop a Connective Tissue Disease! Still smiling? Despite the availability of this kind of vital risk information (here’s the FDA’s page on the subject), a whopping 399,440 women in the United States still bought into the bullshit in 2007. It is projected that over the course of the next five years, up to 179,748 of those ladies will undergo a reoperation to deal with complications (this is the FDA’s conservative estimate, BTW). Sounds like self-destructive crazy bullshit, don’t it?

And what about the mind-fuck we’re handed where food is concerned? The first ad, for Calvin Klein panty hose, just screams “Suck it in!” and we all know that bitch*** ain’t in need of the tummy & bottom control panels described in the ad copy. Is that even the lower half of a woman? A definite lack of curvature, a signature trait of the human female, makes me wonder. The second ad is accompanied by the copy “The pair you wear to cooking class will also look fabulous at your weight loss seminar.” WTF? Seriously? Can you sell us shoes minus the food/weight issues, please? And what would that slim woman be doing at a weight loss seminar? Anyone? If she’s in need of a fatty seminar, I’m way over due. The third ad sells us chocolate as a substitute for another guilty pleasure, expensive shoes. Not chocolate for it’s own sake, y’know cause it’s chocolate & tastes good? Nope, Hershey’s would rather appeal to our fucked up system of rewards be being “good girls”. Behaved yourself? Alright, you can indulge in a pair of shoes or a chocolate bar (just ONE though, fatty-fat-fat!). I mean, a food item can be associated with any other set of wants & desires EXCEPT those associated with eating. God forbid you acknowledge the candy for what it is! If you thought about the neurotic assumptions behind all these ads; that you might eat something & therefore need an excuse or explanation for your behavior, that you might have (ekk!) curves as a result of that eating, that you apparently only wear shoes to places associated with food or fasting; you might be taken aback by the Anti-Fatty messages being (excuse me) shoved down your throat. Or you might just (sorry) ingest the Skinny Minnie Ideology, just like the 75% of Glamour Magazine readers who think their “too fat”. Even you smart chicks aren’t above the bullshit on this one – a study of Stanford undergraduate & graduate students found 68% of their sample group felt worse about their looks after exposure to ads like the ones above. Even more annoying is the discovery that as we age, we tend to compare ourselves to advertising models more often & since we’re less likely to bare a resemblance, we’re more likely to be disheartened & depressed by the imagery. *sigh*

***See? Hostility much?

 

Is it really surprising that we see ourselves as a mish-mosh of woman pieces rather than whole female humans? And is it too much to ask y’all in the ad world to hook us up with an entire woman in a mo’ fucking ad? This bits & pieces shit is creepy & it’s gotta’ go, y’all. Might have been “cutting edge” way back when, but I think we can agree that it’s tired now. Thanks for the complex though!

And finally, my most favorite line of crap that I am as likely as any other broad to buy into…

The Photo Shopped Skin in Beauty Product Advertisements! Never a flaw! Not in the teen years, the twenties, thirties, on up to however fucking old Diane Keaton is in those fucking L'Oreal ads. My bucks fly like confetti when these ads invade my space & I’m not even gonna’ front by telling you I don’t believe the crap I’m told in the ad copy. In fact, it’s probably the only bullshit I believe at face value, without question; it’s sort of my theological belief – that said beauty product shall bestow promised results upon the believer, Amen!

Crazy bitches or what? Honestly?

Cinema a la Smith

                                    

Before we all fell over ourselves for Judd Apatow & Co., this generation of comedy film fans was all for Kevin Smith and his twisted take on the Jersey ‘burbs. In my opinion, Smith still holds the heavy weight belt when it comes to witty dialogue, which makes his films the kind that you watch several times before you pick up all the little witticisms and one-liners. It was a hankering for Smith’s smartly silly styling's that instigated a Kevin Smith Film Fest @ Casa Michelle this morning… Well, that and a desire to avoid being productive despite a shit-load of homework, housework, and house hunting to do. I watched his mainstream blockbuster successes - Dogma and Clerks II – but since I woke up waaaaay too early this morning, there was more time to kill. I pulled out my VHS copy of Clerks (the original), but my VCR is already packed up in a box somewhere. I enjoyed an illegally available internet version of Mallrats, then just as I nearly settled on watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back I remembered my all time favorite Kevin Smith cinematic gem… Chasing Amy! An hour of downloading later & I was in Romantic Comedy heaven! If you have forgotten how good the movie was, take my advice & refresh your memory! For those of you that have the misfortune of never having seen Chasing Amy, get on the ball Bitches. The film is chock full of ‘90s goodness, comic book-loving nerdiness, multi-faceted sexual confusion, and that patented Kevin Smith humor that takes dick & fart jokes to a new level of sophistication. Slacker humor aside, Chasing Amy is a classic because it’s honest & intelligent in it’s approach to the modern romance. The shaky love story of Alyssa Jones and Holden McNeal, the self-proclaimed lesbian and the inexperienced Jersey Boy, is sweet. It’s complex, it’s tragic and it’s believable. You can empathize with each of the film’s characters, regardless of your own sexual orientation or preferences. Holden is hopelessly in love with an unattainable girl, or at least his ideal of who this girl is, and who hasn’t been blinded by the glare of new love? Alyssa is just a girl who’s sexual exploration comes back to bite her in the ass because using one’s vagina has that effect in today’s society. Anyone of us that possess a pussy – the slut, virgin, prude, dyke, or whomever – knows that & can feel for Alyssa’s character. Bankee, Holden’s devoted sidekick & “tracer”, is the homophobic buddy trying unsuccessfully to save his friend from inevitable heartbreak. I can’t count how many times I’ve been there.

Trust me. Re-watch Chasing Amy. It will restore your faith in men & remind you that pussies don't have mileage limitations. Send K. Smith a Thank You card for acknowledging that on the Big Screen.

Commentary for Lazy Fucks

* I am a sucker for open rebellion & nearly anyone raging against the machine easily earns themselves a soft spot in my heart. I do so admire a little chaos, a little dissension, a little anti-authoritarian action. In particular, Peruvians that took to the streets in protest against what they see as unfair wealth distribution during the country’s recent economic boom have put a smile on my face. The protesters were especially pissed at  President Alan Garcia for abandoning the socialist principles that he supposedly stood for. They accuse the Prez of catering to the whims of transnational corporations, rather than those of the people (does that sound familiar to you, too?). Applause for calling a duck a fucking duck & demanding that it quack like one. Power to the People!

* If I have to see that disturbing pageant footage of Jon Benet Ramsey one more time, I promise that will go insane…at least momentarily. Seriously though, haven’t we all cringed over those videos enough since 1996? Every time a minute development in JonBenet’s case unfolds, we are bombarded by the image of a kindergartner in whore’s lipstick and high heels performing for an audience of grown-ass people, that obviously saw no shame in the exploitation of the over-sexualized little girl before them. I don’t care who killed the girl, they've already gotten away with it & it's doubtful that prosecutors could even make charges stick after so long. What bothers the shit out of me is how JonBenet isn't a six year old girl that was brutally raped and murdered in her own home. She is, instead, the pretty little blond veteran of the child pageant circuit. She is somehow "adult-ish" in her pageant videos & it really creeps me the fuck out.

* I know it's been said plenty of times before, but once couldn't hurt: Thank the Powers for the State of California! Specifically, thank Jesus for San Francisco! A citizen's group, going by the name Presidential Memorial Committee of San Francisco, wants to "honor" outgoing President Bush by naming a sewage treatment plant after the lamebrain. If at least 7,168 of the 12,000 signatures the group collected are valid, the re-naming of the Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant will be on the ballot in November. I love a little rebellion, a little dissension...

Few subjects are more hilarious than American Politics

I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: The best way to honestly talk about politics is through humor and sarcasm. Impassioned protest, logical declarations of opposition, and thoughtful policy analysis are needed, of course, but most of the time that shit is just plain dull. Boooorrring. If given the choice between an afternoon spent watching C-SPAN’s Senate coverage and anything else in the world, most folks wouldn’t pick C-SPAN regardless of how important the Senate coverage might be. Humor has always been used to interject some life into politics and these days it’s no different. One unique aspect of modern political humor is it’s distinctly Left Wing appeal. I think the Bush Administration has been so ridiculous, so completely out-of-touch, and so hostile to any opposition that the only way the Left has been able to decry it’s many fuck ups is by using comedy to expose how retarded policy decisions actually are. Flat out criticism of Washington’s policies in the post-9/11 era could get you labeled Un-American or Sympathetic to Terrorists, but a humorous approach to the same policy might get you on The Colbert Report. Laughing at American politics is a favorite pass time of mine & apparently, many people are starting to see why I enjoy it so much. We have Jon Stewart & his Daily Show team, the spin-off Colbert Report, The Onion is more popular than ever, Michael Moore’s documentaries are in everyone’s Netflix queue, the cartoon Lil’ Bush is unfunny but popular anyhow, and SNL’s political sketches are among the show’s greatest. The popularity of political comedy is changing the way young folks see politics, not to mention how the world of politics sees us, and it is my opinion that this is a good thing. Average Twenty-something Joe's & Jane's across the country are getting familiar with policy matters that effect them, understanding the screwed up shit that Washington does when we’re not looking, and seeing the scope of their own political muscle and why it’s important. Politicians & media outlets are beginning to notice and court the 18-24 year old voting bloc, instead of just shuffling us aside & ignoring our interests. Books about the political comedy phenomenon are popping up all over the place. Laughing Matters: Humor and American Politics in the Media Age edited by Jody C. Baumgartner and Jonathan S. Morris came out last year and examines the subject through essays by political scientists and communications experts. Entertaining Politics: New Political Television and Civic Culture (Communication, Media, and Politics) by Jeffery P. Jones praises The Daily Show and it’s peers for making politics accessible to traditionally disenfranchised populations. The New Blue Media: How Michael Moore, Moveon.org, Jon Stewart and Company are Transforming Progressive Politics by Theodore Hamm expands the topic to include the progressive blogosphere in it’s evaluation. Cracking Up: American Humor in a Time of Conflict by Paul Lewis suggests that American political humor is becoming more powerful and more combative every day. How does it feel to belong to the voting bloc causing this much hoop-la? Personally, I am getting a kick out of all this analysis & discussion about young adults & political humor. Dude, just watch the shows & you’ll get it. It’s about honesty in politics during an era of exceptional corruption and dishonesty in Washington. Comedians are the only pundits with any credibility left. That’s all.

Annual Independence Day Ramblings

While it is true that I have no qualms about critiquing my government or calling out the flaws in American society, it would be incorrect to assume that I don’t love my country. On the contrary, I am proud to be an American. I’m proud to inherit the United State’s legacy of innovation and progress. I am impressed by this Great Experiment that is the U.S. of A. In fact, I am so American that the freedoms guaranteed to me in the Bill of Rights are right up there with food, water, & shelter as essentials to life, in my opinion. I also believe we should be careful not to forget that dissension and rebellion are central to the American story. As a people, we have never been the type to go down without a fight. The very meaning & importance of the word Independence should not be lost in a sea of flags and nationalistic propaganda this holiday season. We have almost survived the Bush Administration & it’s complete disregard for the American Way, so this Independence Day should be a reaffirmation of what we believe in -our right to be free from the tyranny of government that does not represent the interests of The People. That having been said, it’s time to turn to lighter refection on what America means to me. Here are a few people, places, things, and concepts that I love this nation for (in no particular order):

Mae West: Hollywood’s original Bad Girl and an ardent defender of our right to free speech, Mae West deserves to go down in history as a patriot. She wrote, directed, produced, and starred in a risque Broadway play, titled Sex, & infuriated city officials raided the theatre and arrested her on public obscenity charges. She served eight days in jail, only to tackle the equally taboo topic of homosexuality in her very next play, The Drag. She was all about equality for women, for homosexuals, and for the transgendered way before that kind of thing was publicly acceptable & she regarded talking about (and engaging in) sex as a fundamental human right. Her movie career didn’t begin until she was 38 years old, but she rose quickly as one of the biggest screen stars of her time & eventually became the second highest paid person in the U.S. (next to media mogul William Randolph Hearst). When Hollywood’s Production Codes attempted to “clean up” movies in the early 1930’s, West responded by perfecting the art of the double entendre. Classic examples of West’s G-Rated sexual quips include: “Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”, “When I'm good, I'm very good. When I'm bad, I'm better”, and “Between two evils, I always try the one I haven’t done before”. She remained in show business until the age of 85, never underwent any cosmetic surgeries, and surrounded herself with male hotties of her choosing up until her death in 1980 at the age of 87. A lifetime of art, of speaking her mind, of defying the morality police, of self-obtained financial success, of sex on her terms and unrelenting self esteem that anyone of us could find reason to admire…a truly American way to exist, in my opinion.

Federalism: The United States of America is the oldest surviving federation on Earth. Our individual state governments are protected by the Constitution and are in charge of most of the laws governing our communities. The federal government binds all 50 states and our various territories together, but is only granted very specific powers by the Constitution. The feds are allowed to coin money, declare war, sign treaties, and regulate interstate & international trade. Pretty much everything else is left up to the states (as required by the 10th amendment). The modern federal government uses it’s enormous cash flow to dictate how states handle other aspects of governing, but the states have held on to many of their powers none the less. Federalism allows me to live in a state that constitutionally guarantees my equal rights regardless of my gender, which the federal government has yet to affirm. Federalism allows me to live in a state that constitutionally guarantees my right to privacy and my reproductive freedoms in no uncertain terms (where as the federal Constitution implies these rights but doesn’t explicitly guarantee them). I get to live in the great state of California and those people that want state mandated morality can live in Kentucky or Texas. I shudder to think what it would be like to be subjected to the federal government’s loose interpretation of equality without California’s more stringent protections.

The Best Animation on the Planet: Anime fans might disagree, but I don’t give a shit because I’ve never understood the draw of dubbed action cartoons (get it? draw!). I was brought up on the good cartoons of eras past, baby! Hanna Barbara’s Flintstones, Scooby-Doo, Yogi Bear, Hong Kong Phooey, Secret Squirrel & Morocco Mole,  not to mention the weird commune living of The Smurfs and The Snorks. Warner Brother’s Studios hooked us up with the world of the Looney Tunes Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, and Foghorn Leghorn. And from the animation powerhouse of Walt Disney came Donald & Daisy Duck, Mickey & Minnie Mouse, Goofy, Pluto, the Rescue Rangers Chip n’ Dale, and The Jungle Book’s Baloo. I loved Rocky and Bullwinkle, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Jem and the Holograms, Garfield and Friends, Inspector Gadget. My early teen years were blessed by The Animaniacs, Ren & Stimpy, and Dexter’s Laboratory. As I’ve pretended to grow up I’ve gotten to enjoy MTV’s Aeon Flux and The Maxx, Beavis & Butthead, Daria, Cartoon Network’s The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, South Park, Duckman, Family Guy, The Oblongs… Seriously, if you don’t get the point by now, your not going to.

Nachos: Quite possibly the world’s most perfect food. It is quasi-messy finger food suited to sporting events, carnivals, stoned movie nights, and late-night Taco Bell runs. In it’s most simple incarnation, a bed of tortilla chips is topped with cheese (nacho, cheddar, jack, Velveeta). The original recipe unveiled in 1943 also included jalapeno peppers. Variations on the basic brilliant nacho premise have included salsa, guacamole, sour cream, black olives, ground beef, steak, chicken, onions, tomatoes, and refried beans. Go ahead. Get you some.

                                  

American Music: Our country’s musical melting pot took native musical traditions, added those of West African slaves and the English, Irish, French, Spanish, Hawaiian, Italian… yadda yadda yadda… the end result is apparently a gold mine for musical innovation. America gave birth to jazz, the blues, country & western, R&B, funk, salsa, swing, bluegrass, and soul. Rock n’ Roll in it’s best forms is American – folk rock, psychedelic rock, arena rock, Southern rock, Chris Rock, and punk rock! There is New Wave and grunge, riot grrl and hardcore punk, thrash/glam/or heavy metal. As of late we have Emo, Scremo, and Ska. Hip-Hop music comes in multiple shapes, as well. There’s the old-school DJ style, the B Boy style, Gangsta rap from various coasts and regional areas, Dance Club Rap and G-Funk. Musical greats are born a dime a dozen in the states!  Aretha Franklin, Billie Holiday, Duke Ellington, Patsy Cline, Willie Nelson, Russell Simmons, Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, James Brown, Tupac Shakur, Carole King, Jimi Hendrix, Lou Reed, Iggy Pop, George Clinton, Axle Rose, Steve Miller, Ann & Nancy Miller, Jim Morrison, Patti Smith, Kathleen Hanna, Madonna, Prince, MC Lyte, Bradley Nowell, Fiona Apple, and Adam “King Ad-Rock” Horovitz are all kick-ass Countrymen that shaped the American musicscape we enjoy today.

 

Employment is apparently a male occupation

The boob tube is awash in “reality” programming and has been for sometime. The genre’s newest products – those day-to-day chronicles of blue collar jobs – annoy and bore me more than any of the previous incarnations involving elimination rounds, confessionals, and/or tokens of faux affection in the form of roses or oversized clocks. These new shows are specifically male-oriented, diluted in testosterone, and DULL AS ALL HELL. The culprits include:

* Ice Road Truckers: Another of The History Channel’s non-history programs, this one documents the trials & tribulations of truckers driving Canada’s Dempster Highway. The Male-centricity of the show is underscored by the confessions of the trucker’s wives – worried & proud of their men! The fact that the truckers are blowing through untold amounts of fossil fuels to service the DeBeer’s diamond mines and the show gives no lip service to the environmental or human rights aspects of the industry doesn’t surprise me, but it does annoy me. Unless someone finally dies on that God Damned ice road, I don’t give a fuck what those boys are up to.

* Ax Men: Apparently, the History Channel thinks this type of show is quality programming, because they’ve hit us with another version of Ice Road. This time the show details the daily activities of loggers in the Pacific Northwest. Once again, women are non-existent in the Ax Men world, unless they are expressing concern for the logger’s safety (like a good wife or mother). Also, the environmental aspect of logging goes un-disclosed which makes me wary of the political motivations behind this show. “How dare you question the noble & historic profession of logging! People can die, you know!”

* Tougher in Alaska: Also the fault of The History Channel. This show chronicles various professions & aspects of life in Alaska, but still remains the realm of the Penis. *Yawn*

* Deadliest Catch: The God-Father of this kind of reality show, aired on The Discovery Channel, and probably the one that I have the least amount of beef with. Crab fishermen tend to be men & it actually is semi-entertaining.

* Black Gold: Tru TV has entered the fray with their own Man Job epic, this time the industry in question is the PR-needy purveyors of fossil fuels. Seriously? They aren’t even trying to hide their motivations anymore? See my issues with Ax Men since the problem with Black Gold is the same.

Dudes need shows too, I know, and obviously someone is watching these programs, but is it too much to ask for a little more equality in representation? Women do make up 46% of the American workforce, after all. I bet I’ll regret saying this when some network launches Secretaries! or The Secret Lives of Nurses, but whatever.

When cable TV is your boyfriend dates come in half-hour increments

I’ve complained about television programing being Super-Sucky way too many times to watch it as often as I do, but what is a single broke alcoholic supposed to do on weeknights? I do more than my fair share of reading, I blog, I play video games, and I entertain my two cats but sometimes the allure of the boob tube is just too damned strong to resist. Lucky for me, some of my most favorite shows are just starting new seasons so I’m not stuck watching re-runs of South Park and Family Guy all the time. Ever the critic, I am pretty fickle when I dole out positive reviews of TV shows (even if the cast includes Super Hotties). My TV recommendations are trustworthy, as a result, and they are as follows:

** Weeds: This Showtime drama/comedy is in it’s fourth season & if you haven’t managed to watch the program yet, run (don’t walk) to the nearest house with premium cable and catch up! Of course, you can always use your trusty-dusty internet connection (and a non-Explorer browser) to watch the entire series as well. The plot centers around a newly widowed mother of two, Nancy Botwin, and her struggle to maintain her suburban lifestyle by selling that sweet ganja referenced in the title. Her partners-in-crime include the Oh-So-Cute Conrad (her Tutor in the ways of the game), his auntie Heylia (Nancy’s No-Nonsense connect), City Councilman Doug Wilson (played by the ever funny Kevin Nealon), Nancy’s idiot brother-in-law Andy, and my favorite character of all – Celia Hodes, the stereotypical suburban know-it-all Bitch Lady. Weeds is full of complex characters, unpredictable plot twists, and questionable morals making the show one of my all-time favorites.

** My Boys: I doubted this comedy at first, but after watching the entire first & second seasons via TBS’ website I started counting down the days until the third season debuted. This show is centered around seven homies in Chicago: PJ (a tomboy-ish sports writer, Cubs fan, and the shows narrator), Stephanie (PJ’s girly best friend & relationship councilor), Andy (PJ’s older brother, played by Jim Gaffigan), Bobby (PJ’s co-worker & one of the show’s hotties), Brenden (one of the show’s other hotties, PJ’s roommate), Mike (the dip-shit friend), Kenny (the ugly friend & Stephanie’s nemesis). The buddies drink heavily, play poker, & shoot the shit just like you or I…except much funnier.

** Californication: Another gem from Showtime, this one starring the ex-X-filer David Duchovny as the cranky writer/Playboy Hank Moody. He drinks, he fucks, and he is unapologetic about it. His ex has left him for a real douche-bag, his daughter is entering adolescence, and his writer’s block is killing his career but Moody tries to make the best of his existence in Los Angeles even though he fucking hates it. I was surprised that I liked this show, since it ain't exactly feminist-approved, but I was entertained by season 1 and expect the same from season 2.

The television is my roommate and sometimes I don’t mind

There are some entertaining shows on TV these days or at least there is some televised shit I enjoying staring at in half hour increments. Maybe it's because I went through all my library books already & am too damned lazy to head ten blocks away to check out more ('cause daylight sucks), but whatever! I think PMS increases my susceptibility to television media. Anyhow, here's a few gems I'm currently stuck on.

* Ugly Betty: My childhood included a healthy dose of Soap Operas (All My Children, General Hospital, and One Life to Live, in particular) followed by my adolescence partially spent watching teen dramas (90210, My So Called Life, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer). Now, my existence is colored by the antics of Betty Suarez and the self absorbed staff at Mode Magazine. It's tradition, damn it.

* My Boys: I am eagerly awaiting the new season of this sitcom for good reason. It's actually funny and relatively realistic. The show centers around the lives of a group of friends headed up by PJ, a female sportswriter & terminal tomboy. PJ & her "boys" drink like fish (no girly drinks a la Sex and the City) and navigate life in Chicago like normal fucking people that are exceptionally funny. Plus, a few of the "boys" are fucking hotties.

* Trading Spouses: I wasn't a fan when the show first debuted but reruns on CMT recently caught my interest. The idea is that two families (typically nuclear Husband, Wife, Kids family units) switch one spouse (usually the Mom) for a week & the camera crew documents the ensuing conflict. After the week, the displaced spouses are responsible for doling out $50,000 to their "new" family as they see fit. The families are picked to contrast as much as possible (think: Evangelical Christians vs. Atheists, Hippie-dippy vs. Consumer Oriented, NRA vs. Pacifists) & this makes for some serious head-butting. Good shit, in my opinion. An excellent example of the crazy people this show documents can be found HERE.

That bitch is nuts, for real.

* The Daily Show / The Colbert Report: Because sometimes the only appropriate response to American politics is laughter.

* Scrubs: I have the biggest crush on J.D. even though the nerdy white dude wouldn't turn my head in real life. And the character of Dr. Cox recites some of the best Ranting dialogue ever televised.

* The Oblongs: I think this underrated cartoon could very well be based in Stockton. The program is a critique of the class based value system in America that centers on a poor family living in a Valley that has been contaminated by the toxic waste runoff of the wealthy community in the Hills. The Valley people are deformed/disfigured (I think the little girl has a penis growing out of her head) & the community is governed by the Rule of the Wealthy. Funny, yet intelligent animation.

Thank the gods for my ability to read!

Television is a seriously disappointing medium. Just think of all the possibilities available when one combines audio & visual elements.... then consider the swill that network & cable television presents us with. *sigh* Here's my list of the most heinous bullshit the TV Gods are currently sending to our sets:

* The History Channel: Most of the programing aired on THC is fucking pointless, inaccurate, incomplete, or not even related to History at all. Examples include the plethora of military-minded shows like Mail Call, Battle 360, or Dogfights; the fear mongering What-If programs like Mega Disasters, Monsterquest, or UFO Hunters; the stupid (not to mention boring) chronicles of Masculine Professions like Ice Road Truckers, Tougher in Alaska, and Ax Men; or the completely unnecessary crap like Gangland or Modern Marvels. With millennia of human history behind us, you'd think they'd have something to base a show on every once in awhile.

* Reruns of the same played out shows: There are thousands of by-gone TV shows that could be thrown in the mix (like Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark, Eerie Indiana, My So Called Life, Ab Fab, or EVEN Buffy the Vampire Slayer), instead of the terminal re-runs of Roseanne, The Golden Girls, Home Improvement, Saved by the Bell, or Angel. Give us a break!

* American Idol: WTF? Plenty of people can sing well. I am not impressed by a bunch of young bucks slaughtering classic songs & withstanding shit talking from a cranky Brit. I'm just not.

* C.S.I. or Law & Order: I'll admit that I used to be a L&O junkie but ,honestly, how many hacked up prostitutes & wealthy child molesters can one person handle? Besides, these investigators are always camera-ready (even when they've spent 16 hours at a crime scene) & they totally curtail constitutional rights like it ain't no thing. Propaganda much?

* E!, Vh1, and MTv celebrity "reality" shows: Who the fuck wants to keep up with the Kardashians? Or why should I care that Denise Richard's life is complicated? Why would anyone compete to fuck Flava Flav (or New York for that matter)?

* The Real World: This show was fucking Gold during the first N.Y. season. Also, the L.A., S.F., Miami, Boston, New Orleans & Seattle houses were entertaining (& bore some resemblance to the real world). Now, the show is basically a summer camp for beautiful co-eds, specifically chosen for their sexual appetites & taste for dramatics.

* Poker: I am bored to death when I watch LIVE poker tournaments between people I know (when I at least have the benefit of giving a damn about the drama between players), why the hell would I want to watch strangers bet more money than I make in a year on a game of chance? The only televised competition that is more yawn-inducing is Golf.

* Mind of Mencia: Common Stereotype + Predictable Punch Line - any attempt at originality = Carlos Mencia on Comedy Central. Just because he throws political correctness out the door doesn't make the show edgy, especially when his humor is similar to the shit we used to laugh at on the playground.