Pearls of Whiz-dumb

My internal monologue is boring the shit out of me. Somebody change the fucking channel already.

** As I’m sure you’ve all heard, Michael “King of Pop” Jackson kicked the bucket on Thursday. The media has been praising his musical career through clenched teeth, because what they really want to talk about is the pedophilia & all of MJ’s other freakish behaviors, but that would be extremely tacky. Here’s my two cents: Michael Jackson gave us Thriller & I’m thankful for that. But this piece from Infomania still gives me the hebegebees, so forgive me for not considering his demise a tragedy.

** Farrah Fawcett bit the big one on Thursday as well & she’s been given second billing in every mention of their deaths. How sucky to be playing second fiddle to the guy who’s been the punch line of every child molestation joke told since the mid-1990’s!

 

** Remember the Jena 6? The remaining five defendants have plead No Contest to charges of misdemeanor battery & been sentenced to seven days probation, plus $500 and the cost of legal fees. For those of you that don’t recall the specifics of the case, here’ s a video from Unfiltered News that pretty much sums it up. Mychal Bell ended up pleading guilty to misdemeanor second-degree battery in December 2007 & was sentenced to 18 months in jail. The reason I mention this particular story is your News at 10 forgot to bring it up. What with Michael Jackson dying & everything, who has time to discuss matters of racial inequality or judicial tyranny? The Jena 6 were no Jackson 5, you know!

 

Read the CNN piece on the Jena 6 HERE. Is it just me or does it seem awfully light on facts? Reads like a story about some defenseless white boy that was terrorized by a gang of black kids, don’t it?

 

*** I want to talk about the Immigration Reform bill that Obama is discussing in the video below, but that is going to require it’s own comprehensive post & I’m short on time. So, I’ll be writing about the subject of Immigration & “reform” while I recover from my dental surgery on Monday. For now, head on over to CNN.com to watch the video of Barack Obama briefing us on the current state of reform efforts (HERE). Let me know what your thinking!

 

** On a personal note, I’m having my wisdom teeth taken out on Monday & I am obviously not looking forward to this. Any pain meds you may have lying around would be mighty appreciated! I am super paranoid about not having enough drugs to survive my recovery. I’ll be your best friend…

A Selection of Self Indulgent Complaints

It’s been awhile since my last rant about Things I Hate, so I thought I’d revive the tradition with a list that is chock full o’ my trademark pessimism. I’d hate for my Readers to think I’d gone soft!

STUFF I CURRENTLY LOATHE (in no particular order) 

  • Drunk douche-bags that expose me to their shitty rap styling's over west coast hits from the late 90’s. It seems like every time I’m hanging out, enjoying my buzz, these fuckers come out of the woodwork. The second Tupac, Too Short, E-40, Snoop, or Dr. Dre comes out the speakers, a huddle of jackasses forms & they start spewing their generic flows & congratulating each other on their pathetic attempts to emulate actual artists. At best, these stupid displays are mediocre re-hashes of lines we’ve all heard before & at worse, they are just a bunch of “I don’t give a fuck, though”s and “I don’t love a hoe”s without any rhyme or reason to the crap stumbling out of their mouths. I actually love hip-hop & have mad respect for clever wordplay, so it pains me to hear these idiots. For the love the Westside and everything that is the shiz-nit, don’t become one of them.
  • Women’s pant sizes. They vary depending on the store you buy them in, the company that makes them, and the style of the pant itself. It would be nice to have a universal go-to size for all pant purchases, but apparently that makes too much sense for the fashion Powers That Be. Instead, they’d rather keep us uncertain of our all-too-important measurements and make us waste countless hours in dressing rooms, trying on three different sizes of each pant we might consider purchasing. And what the fuck is a size 00?
  • Being subjected to crap from creepy old dudes whenever I go outside unaccompanied. Whether I am riding my bike or walking down the street, even if I am reading a book or listening to my mp3 player, male passer-bys old enough to be my father (or grandfather) feel the need to spout off bullshit that makes me uncomfortable & definitely un-flattered. “Hey Beautiful!”, “Where are you headed, Pretty Lil’ Thang?”, “Smile, Baby Doll!”. This shit coming out of the mouths of men that have no chance in hell of actually hittin’ this because they’re 50+ years old, obviously junkies or crack fiends, overweight scuzz-balls… just pisses me off. Depending on the setting, I might flip them The Bird or tell them to “fuck off”, but this is not always possible since most men can pose a threat to my health. In the interest of self preservation, I sometimes have to swallow my pride, continue down the road, & ignore it when he inevitably calls me a ‘bitch’ for not responding to his commentary. Fuck those pervy geezers for making me (and every other female) deal with that shit.
  • The entire American Pie series. The movies are fucking retarded, lowest common denominator, predictable swill & the next dipshit that suggests I watch any of them because they are “hella funny” is going to get a bitch slap. And a few Netflix suggestions.
  • Feminist stereotypes. It is stupid to assume feminists are all ugly, hairy, man-hating, bra-burning, humorless lesbians. Heterosexual women have to deal with male misogynistic bullshit on a much more personal level than do lesbians (since we fuck them, date them, and fall in love with them), so we tend to have a vivid understanding of how fucked the patriarchy is (which nurtures our feminist ideologies). The “ugly” and “hairy” stereotypes imply that feminists are just angry because they can’t bed a man. This is retarded when one considers just how easy it is to pull a guy. Even the ugliest and hairiest lady can score! Propagators of that myth have obviously never fucked a feminist because sex is much more fun when the girl doesn’t hate herself or her pussy. As for “humorless”, it should be expected that women won’t be amused by rape or spousal abuse jokes. If that means we lack humor, so be it. Next time a dude doesn’t understand why I’m not laughing at one of those “jokes”, I’ll just throw down some of my best graphic Anal Rape/Castration comedy.
  • Menial jobs that pay crappy wages, yet require a pre-employment drug test or credit check. Unless you’re flying a jumbo jet or patrolling the streets as a copper or operating heavy machinery, there is no reason why an employer should expect you to prove your sobriety. Reduce accidents? Increase productivity? Don’t hire idiots! A credit check is acceptable if you work with highly sensitive information that you might be persuaded to sell to the highest bidder (government intelligence, product development, etc.). The only other time it’s acceptable is if the employer presents you with copies of the company’s financial records (including their personal tax records & such), so that you can accurately assess their fiscal stability. Honestly, folks, a drug-life lifestyle and decent credit doesn’t say shit about whether or not a person can man the Drive-Thru window or operate the FAX machine. Don’t believe the hype. 
  • European history from the fall of Rome until the French Revolution, roughly 500 c.e. to 1790 c.e. It’s downright boring shit & you can trust me on this because I am a self-professed history nerd. Basically, all of Europe is ruled by various regents (Kings, Queens, Emperors, or whatever other self-important title a ruler goes by) that fight a bunch of politically-motivated wars under the guise of religion (The Thirty Years War, The Eighty Years War, the English Civil War… what boring as names even!). The monarchs terrorize the population with some of history’s biggest dick moves (the Cromwellian conquest of Ireland, the Spanish Inquisition, witchcraft trials) and the people of mainland Europe pretty much gave up on original thought or scholarship for hundreds of years (hence, “The Dark Ages”). I despise glorification of this era in history, so it goes without saying that I hate Renaissance Fairs.
  • The Socialist boogeyman that the news keeps trying to make me scared of. Frankly, I don’t see the problem with expecting the government to provide for the people. We are subject to the laws and taxes of this land but we aren’t supposed to expect healthcare or housing or consumer protection or affordable higher education… what the fuck is that all about? These idiots on the nightly news keep using terms like “Marxist” and “Socialist” whenever they talk about programs of social uplift, as if maintaining a decent standard of living for the masses will turn the U.S. into an oppressive Communist regime overnight. Funny how they never describe the war effort as “Imperialist” or the decimation of civil rights as “Fascist”. I guess there are only certain “–ist” words that are acceptable for public consumption.
  • Restrooms at men’s houses. Do you guys just pee anywhere you like? No access to Scrubbing Bubbles? A little Comet, Ajax, Bleach, fucking Gasoline if you must? I don’t known about y’all, but I end up face-first in my toilet enough to require regular cleaning. Where do y’all puke when you’ve drank too much? Please don’t say it’s in your crap-laden, ring-around-the-bowl havin’, disgusting, bio-hazard johns. Ew.      

Chicken Soup for the Lazy Ass’ Soul

I hate cable TV. The amount of advertising that is shoved down your throat during a single program is fucking ridiculous & the programs themselves are all too bland, unoriginal, or mediocre to justify any real devotion to the boob tube. Just overhearing the average news program makes me cringe & sitcoms tend to be unrealistic swill. As if the cast of Friends would really kick it at a coffee shop instead of a bar (where Big Kids usually chill-ax) and why are so many fat assholes married to doting hotties in TV Land? Don’t even get me started on the cultural plague that is Reality Television. Anyhow, I hate the sub-par offerings of American television but I love to sit on my ass (preferably stoned out of my gourd) & do nothing while other people entertain me. I’ve solved this conundrum by becoming a connoisseur of internet-based programming. Allow me to pass on a few of my current favorite clips…

This one is from The Rotten Tomatoes Show (a movie review program starring the oh-too-fine Brett Erlich and Ellen Fox). If you can’t appreciate a duet about the appeal of male chest hair, then we are no longer friends! I simply cannot socialize with humorless cads like yourself!

This is Ms. Sarah Haskins in her latest installment of Target Women from Current TV’s Infomania. If you aren’t already a fan of the program head on over to their website & get schooled. It is the necessary weekly dose of sarcasm & pop culture critique that keeps me sane. Sane-ish, anyhow.

A really insightful & interesting discussion of race, materialism, and hip-hop from my Make Believe Internet Boyfriend, Jay Smooth. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again: If I ever meet a man with a shred of the intelligence & insight that Jay Smooth appears to have (via Illdoctrine), I have met my Baby Daddy. Seriously. Can you blame me? Watch his commentary on the Perez Hilton/Miss California fiasco & just try to not develop a crush on the man. Ain’t possible, y’all.

I’m leaving on a jet plane… finally.

As any native Stocktonian knows, the main objective for most of us is to escape from this cornhole of a city as soon as humanly possible. I have been plotting my course of action since sixth grade but, as Elaine would say, I am 27-and-0. I have yet to get out of this place for an entire stinking year. Not from lack of trying, mind you!

To date, I’ve developed & attempted to execute at least five exit strategies. For awhile, it was my ridiculous idea to move to Alaska (Anchorage or Juneau, since I’m a terminal urban dweller at heart). I researched all sorts of shit & read everything about the region that I could get my hands on. Mi familia was never actually convinced that I would pull off such a stunt, but I was whole-heartedly invested in the idea… until I remembered how much I detest cold weather.

Then there was my fixation with study abroad programs. I was hindered by my monolingual Americaness & my desire to spend as little dough as possible, so I focused on semesters in Northern Ireland (mucho dinero & kinda’ trendy) or English-Language study in Eastern Europe. After looking into dozens of study abroad programs, I realized that only rich kids with liberal ideologies & unlimited resources were equipped for over seas schooling.

After that, I was briefly entertained by the idea of volunteering in the Ukraine or in Austria. The plan was to devote as long as a year to a historical preservation project as a general laborer in exchange for room & board. The historical sites were run-down cathedrals or dilapidated castles & I figured the dramatic change in lifestyle, work habits, and cultural surroundings would do me good. I’m glad I snapped out of that bout of self-loathing! Why would I want to clean up someone else's mess on such a grand scale? I can’t even stomach tidying up my studio, let alone a fucking castle. Plus, it would suck to get kidnapped by some impoverished local that mistook my American accent as an indication of my wealth. Ain’t nobody gonna’ pay ransom money for me & I’d probably get caught up in some white slave trade shit – forced to turn tricks for some fat, smelly, Russian pimp. Scratched that idea, needless to say.

There was a period of time that I was considering a move to Washington state, as well. This one didn’t involve indentured servitude or taking on a second language, but it was eventually abandoned because I hate the way folks up there treat Californians. Having previously stayed in Seattle for a bit, I had been exposed to the intense loathing Washingtonians have for us Cali-folk & I’ll be damned if I put up with that shit everyday. I love my state because it rocks (in so many different ways) & I’m the type to talk shit right back to those attempting to antagonize me, so I assumed I would have a tough time attracting friends if I moved north.   

My longest running dream has been to transfer to San Francisco State University, to live outside the city in whatever piece of shit digs I could afford, & to bask in the dingy gorgeousness that is the Bay Area while I worked on my History degree. Cost of living considerations forced this dream to be a team effort & it was for a handful of years. After my latest relationship dissolved into a worthless pile of debts, insecurity, and resentment, my San Francisco escape became harder and harder realize. So, I vowed to stay clear of serious emotional attachments until I got my ass out of the San Joaquin Valley. And that is where I found myself yesterday; still sans-boyfriend and sans-departure schedule.

I was having a long distance conversation with my sister, Alison, when everything changed. She suggested I move to San Diego (where she currently resides), transfer to the state school, and live at her place until I get my own thang going. This thought had never even crossed my mind, but it made such perfect sense! No ridiculous hoops or strings attached, a plan to finally finish school, life in a metropolitan area like I have always intended, secured housing with kinfolk, PLUS I get to remain in my beloved California. San Diego, it is! I’m outta’ here after the first of the year.

Later, Bitches.

Another post about why Men confuse me

I think that being baffled by the opposite sex is a true indication of heterosexuality. Keeps the mystery alive & sparks our curiosity enough to keep the genders in the same social circles, I guess. We run through a cycle of enlightened epiphanies and dumb founded shocks while trying to figure out the opposing gender… what are they really up to? why the fuck do they do that? why do I find that crap attractive? Men present the ultimate WTF?, in my opinion. The male species confuses me more that Astronomy and Statistics combined, but unlike the afore mentioned subjects, I still want to study the bastards! How’s that for screwed up? Every time I think I have Men pegged, every time I assume I get their whole vibe & understand where they are coming from, something wholly ridiculous comes out of left field & I’m back to square one, seriously contemplating getting a cooties shot (just to be safe). At the moment, there are a few things I think I understand about those genetic defects known as men & they are as follows:

1. Men think we value “strength”, “courage”, and “having balls” as much as they do. They can’t understand that we don’t think all traits associated with masculinity are positive or desirable. Their aggressive speaking tactics, for one, are obnoxious. When they talk to each other it’s like one long conversation about Who’s Dick Is Bigger (“I have this…” “Oh yeah? Well, I have this!”), a One-Up Competition regardless of the topic. How do they ever understand each other? And what they see as courageous, I often see as stupid & reckless. Men, especially in bars or at sporting events, are quick to jump into physical altercations to prove their superiority, so us gals watch their ridiculousness like a Discovery Channel program…a dude fight is equivalent to footage of a power struggle between two Gorillas or Lions or Elk… more silly & amusing than impressive or noble. Even though men think we behave like silly creatures, they have yet to realize that we have similar opinions about them.

2. Men really think we don’t notice them looking at our tits. I’m not talking about the flat-out stares, I mean the usual periodic glance that heterosexual men do during conversations with ample chested women. They really seem surprised whenever I point it out. Dude, I’ve had these things for a number of years now & have spoken to many men in my day. It’s no biggie, but I’ve noticed. I’ve also noticed that men don’t really listen to what I’m saying most of the time. Instead, they will watch my lips move or just listen to the sound of my voice without actually hearing whatever it is I am saying. Both of these male conversational habits indicate to me that Men think whatever I am saying is unimportant, uninteresting, or irrelevant. Or maybe they just think I’m talking for their benefit anyhow, so it doesn’t matter if they pay attention. Whatever the reason, I end up repeating relevant information WAAAAAY more often while talking to dudes than when talking to other women.

3. The following things grab male attention & indicate that you are feminine and approachable (meaning: nice guys will talk to you. So will pricks, but they talk to anyone right?): short skirts, long hair, overly animated smiles, floral patterns, fruity cocktails. On the other hand, these things make you appear feminine but in a Eve/Delilah/ Seductress kind of way that scares off the majority & attracts more than your fair share of misogynist pricks: fish nets, short hair, cigarettes, unsmiling straight faces, sunglasses, plunging necklines, whiskey/bourbon/scotch, items of men’s clothing worn a la Madonna in the Vogue video. They are clichés for a reason, after all. I think men generally behave in a certain way when presented with specific visual clues about a woman’s persona because they like to think that all chicks fit either the Virgin or the Whore mold. I LOVE to dress the part of the submissive damsel, only to confuse the shit out of potential suitors by cursing like a sailor and drinking like a fish. Keeps ‘um on their toes, y’know?

4. When men fight for your “honor” or in your defense, you have to appreciate the effort because they mean well. It’s the thought that counts. Don’t reiterate the opinions expressed in #1 after he’s thrown down for you (regardless of how retarded you thought the fight was) because he will think you are an ungrateful bitch (& he might assume you want to fuck the other guy). Let him have his moment.

5. Beware men with older sisters. They know too much.

Here are a few things I have yet to fully understand about the male species & their effects on my fragile female form (your input about possible motives or mental defects are, as always, greatly appreciated):

1. Why are they so much better at video games than I am? Even the half-blind bastards I know can school my ass on the X-Box and the Wii. Even if he’s new to a game, it’s only a matter of time before he’s kicking my ass. WTF?

2. Dumb men are usually intimidated, then they feel threatened, by my intellect. Just having an opinion on everything really pisses these guys off (whether the crap I say is smart is irrelevant). I’ve been yelled at, clowned, ostracized, & nearly punched for accidentally making a guy feel intellectually inferior to me. BUT, the fucked up part is these idiot Neanderthal-men are one of my favorite types of boy! WTF?

3. How do men determine if they have a big dick or not? Do they compare and contrast? Analyze amateur porn? Sneak peaks at the urinal? Is that why they eventually ask us about theirs vs. every other dude we’ve ever been with? And where do they get the idea that their dicks are the ruler of their worth? Do Dads tell their sons this kind of shit?

4. Neckties are just Dude’s Jewelry. They serve no purpose other than decorative. Since they aren’t usually expensive & therefore aren’t used to assess a man’s wealth/success (like most other adornments that men wear), why are they still worn? Habit? Wasn’t most of the pointless Guy Clothing phased out long ago (i.e. powdered wigs, cufflinks, suspenders)? We have all kinds of clothing & jewelry items to deal with because we are the traditionally objectified sex, but what is his excuse? Vanity?

The size of one’s bank account is directly proportional to the size of one’s head

Or so it seems from where I’m standing. As a life-long resident of the working class, I am in no way an expert on the wealthy or their habits but having been subjected to twenty-some-odd years of television devoted to the lifestyles of these odd creatures and unavoidable celebrity gossip masquerading as “news” throughout the mainstream media, I’ve come to believe that America’s wealthy folk are fucking crazy. Their souls and their sanity are being crushed under the immense weight of their over-sized egos. Poor things.

I began thinking about the plight of our nation’s Rich-ards and Rich-ginas after I heard about the “tragic” death of David Carradine. You may remember this entertainment icon from television’s Kung-Fu (if you were around to watch TV in the 1970’s, anyhow), or from Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill Vols.1 & 2 (he was Uma Thurmond’s baby daddy), or most recently he played the wise, quasi-Oriental, advice-giver in the YellowPages.com commercials. His death has been attributed to accidental suffocation, presumably during a sex act referred to as auto erotic asphyxiation. The speculated circumstances surrounding Carradine’s demise got me thinking – What the fuck is wrong with Rich People? I mean, the beauty of fucking is that the act itself is Fabulous… as it is! Without gimmicks, without equipment, without frills, sex is a kick-ass way to pass the time. Millions of teenaged boys & porn connoisseurs will attest to the fact that good ol’ fashioned jerking off is mighty pleasurable as well. So, why is it that Rich Folk are always getting caught up in some ridiculous unnecessary (albeit hilarious) sex acts? Isn’t the regular shit good enough for these freaks? Have they become so detached from the reality the rest of us inhabit that they no longer enjoy sexual activity like normal people? Don’t get me wrong, I am no vanilla advocate! It’s just that strangling yourself to increase the pleasure of a self-induced orgasm seems fucking retarded & I’ve never heard of anyone from the lower ranks of the economic totem pole doing such a thing. Appears to be strictly Rich-ard’s thing. Along the same vein, those freaky Real Dolls cost thousands of dollars so us po’ folk ain’t the ones fucking life-sized Barbie dolls! That’s all Rich-ard, once again. Then you have celebrities & politicians that can pull any hoe at the bar, just by name dropping, but they opt for high priced call girls instead because the regular means of bedding a broad are apparently passé in elite circles. What is going on in the bedrooms of the Rich and Famous these days? Maybe I don’t really want to know…

Another indication of the widespread mental defects afflicting America’s celebrities is their apparent ignorance to economic realities. Normal people, those not deemed sociopaths or self-absorbed assholes, generally understand that every action causes an equal & opposite reaction, i.e. when one person rakes in 20 – 30 million dollars a year, there are thousands of others that are fucked by a lack of funds. Celebrities, who’s various contributions to this country hardly justify their absurd incomes (I don’t care how good the movie was, no actor is worth millions per performance!), flock to Southern California and New York but they appear to be unaware of the poverty surrounding them. As if Poor People are merely part of the scenery, rather than fellow human beings, & instead of recognizing the Give-and-Take that boosts them up the financial ladder, many celebrities seem to believe they have earned their fortunes in their own right! What ever happened to the Socialist vein that used to run through Hollywood? The McCarthy era must have successfully purged the region of socially sympathetic economic philosophies, because their ain’t no mo’ love for the Broke Ones in the upper classes. Unless, of course, Rich Folks are adopting our culture for fashion purposes (see the Trucker Hat for one such example) or literally adopting children from Third World nations. Then poverty is tres chic! Maybe rich people really can’t empathize with the state of America’s masses & they aren’t just willfully ignoring economic stratification like selfish bastards. If that is the case, our homegrown Rich Folks have become psychopaths (y’know that’s the term applied to people that behave in an indulgent manner without regard to the rights & well being of others). Their mental psychosis maybe worse than I initially thought!

Finally, the Celebu-royalty of this country shows clear signs of mental instability when it comes to it’s women-folk. It’s possible that the Rich-ginas have evolved into a superior version of Woman that no longer has a need for the curves associated with the human female, but I seriously doubt it. Looking at the starlets on the pages of Cosmo or People Magazine reveals a startling lack of breasts. Are there no D-Cups in Hollywood? And why do so many of these women have the figures of ten year old boys in their designer gowns? Why can I see so many collar bones & rib cages? Can you no longer use American currency to purchase food in Hollywood? When gossip rags deem the actress in a size 10 a “Plus Size” woman, there is something terribly wrong. Certainly the starvation, the rigid exercise regimens, the elective surgeries, and the chorus of famous women claiming to “eat all the time!” despite evidence to the contrary indicates some serious psychological problems brewing amongst the nation’s Privileged Classes, no?

America! Consider this your call to action! Our Rich-ards and Rich-ginas need your support! If they are ever expected to fuck like normal breathing people or acknowledge their shared interest in the greater good or enjoy the life-giving effects of food you allow yourself to digest, we must lend our hands & aid them in their time of need. Perhaps, we can push for adjustments in income tax rates for the wealthiest Americans? Take a little of that green off their hands & relieve the pressure their burdened by, while refilling our empty state coffers! Win-Win, right? Or maybe we can give our celebrities a break from fame by NOT watching all that reality television garbage or reading those gossip magazines or tuning in to EXTRA! or Access Hollywood! There’s an idea…