I think that being baffled by the opposite sex is a true indication of heterosexuality. Keeps the mystery alive & sparks our curiosity enough to keep the genders in the same social circles, I guess. We run through a cycle of enlightened epiphanies and dumb founded shocks while trying to figure out the opposing gender… what are they really up to? why the fuck do they do that? why do I find that crap attractive? Men present the ultimate WTF?, in my opinion. The male species confuses me more that Astronomy and Statistics combined, but unlike the afore mentioned subjects, I still want to study the bastards! How’s that for screwed up? Every time I think I have Men pegged, every time I assume I get their whole vibe & understand where they are coming from, something wholly ridiculous comes out of left field & I’m back to square one, seriously contemplating getting a cooties shot (just to be safe). At the moment, there are a few things I think I understand about those genetic defects known as men & they are as follows:
1. Men think we value “strength”, “courage”, and “having balls” as much as they do. They can’t understand that we don’t think all traits associated with masculinity are positive or desirable. Their aggressive speaking tactics, for one, are obnoxious. When they talk to each other it’s like one long conversation about Who’s Dick Is Bigger (“I have this…” “Oh yeah? Well, I have this!”), a One-Up Competition regardless of the topic. How do they ever understand each other? And what they see as courageous, I often see as stupid & reckless. Men, especially in bars or at sporting events, are quick to jump into physical altercations to prove their superiority, so us gals watch their ridiculousness like a Discovery Channel program…a dude fight is equivalent to footage of a power struggle between two Gorillas or Lions or Elk… more silly & amusing than impressive or noble. Even though men think we behave like silly creatures, they have yet to realize that we have similar opinions about them.
2. Men really think we don’t notice them looking at our tits. I’m not talking about the flat-out stares, I mean the usual periodic glance that heterosexual men do during conversations with ample chested women. They really seem surprised whenever I point it out. Dude, I’ve had these things for a number of years now & have spoken to many men in my day. It’s no biggie, but I’ve noticed. I’ve also noticed that men don’t really listen to what I’m saying most of the time. Instead, they will watch my lips move or just listen to the sound of my voice without actually hearing whatever it is I am saying. Both of these male conversational habits indicate to me that Men think whatever I am saying is unimportant, uninteresting, or irrelevant. Or maybe they just think I’m talking for their benefit anyhow, so it doesn’t matter if they pay attention. Whatever the reason, I end up repeating relevant information WAAAAAY more often while talking to dudes than when talking to other women.
3. The following things grab male attention & indicate that you are feminine and approachable (meaning: nice guys will talk to you. So will pricks, but they talk to anyone right?): short skirts, long hair, overly animated smiles, floral patterns, fruity cocktails. On the other hand, these things make you appear feminine but in a Eve/Delilah/ Seductress kind of way that scares off the majority & attracts more than your fair share of misogynist pricks: fish nets, short hair, cigarettes, unsmiling straight faces, sunglasses, plunging necklines, whiskey/bourbon/scotch, items of men’s clothing worn a la Madonna in the Vogue video. They are clichés for a reason, after all. I think men generally behave in a certain way when presented with specific visual clues about a woman’s persona because they like to think that all chicks fit either the Virgin or the Whore mold. I LOVE to dress the part of the submissive damsel, only to confuse the shit out of potential suitors by cursing like a sailor and drinking like a fish. Keeps ‘um on their toes, y’know?
4. When men fight for your “honor” or in your defense, you have to appreciate the effort because they mean well. It’s the thought that counts. Don’t reiterate the opinions expressed in #1 after he’s thrown down for you (regardless of how retarded you thought the fight was) because he will think you are an ungrateful bitch (& he might assume you want to fuck the other guy). Let him have his moment.
5. Beware men with older sisters. They know too much.
Here are a few things I have yet to fully understand about the male species & their effects on my fragile female form (your input about possible motives or mental defects are, as always, greatly appreciated):
1. Why are they so much better at video games than I am? Even the half-blind bastards I know can school my ass on the X-Box and the Wii. Even if he’s new to a game, it’s only a matter of time before he’s kicking my ass. WTF?
2. Dumb men are usually intimidated, then they feel threatened, by my intellect. Just having an opinion on everything really pisses these guys off (whether the crap I say is smart is irrelevant). I’ve been yelled at, clowned, ostracized, & nearly punched for accidentally making a guy feel intellectually inferior to me. BUT, the fucked up part is these idiot Neanderthal-men are one of my favorite types of boy! WTF?
3. How do men determine if they have a big dick or not? Do they compare and contrast? Analyze amateur porn? Sneak peaks at the urinal? Is that why they eventually ask us about theirs vs. every other dude we’ve ever been with? And where do they get the idea that their dicks are the ruler of their worth? Do Dads tell their sons this kind of shit?
4. Neckties are just Dude’s Jewelry. They serve no purpose other than decorative. Since they aren’t usually expensive & therefore aren’t used to assess a man’s wealth/success (like most other adornments that men wear), why are they still worn? Habit? Wasn’t most of the pointless Guy Clothing phased out long ago (i.e. powdered wigs, cufflinks, suspenders)? We have all kinds of clothing & jewelry items to deal with because we are the traditionally objectified sex, but what is his excuse? Vanity?
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