The size of one’s bank account is directly proportional to the size of one’s head

Or so it seems from where I’m standing. As a life-long resident of the working class, I am in no way an expert on the wealthy or their habits but having been subjected to twenty-some-odd years of television devoted to the lifestyles of these odd creatures and unavoidable celebrity gossip masquerading as “news” throughout the mainstream media, I’ve come to believe that America’s wealthy folk are fucking crazy. Their souls and their sanity are being crushed under the immense weight of their over-sized egos. Poor things.

I began thinking about the plight of our nation’s Rich-ards and Rich-ginas after I heard about the “tragic” death of David Carradine. You may remember this entertainment icon from television’s Kung-Fu (if you were around to watch TV in the 1970’s, anyhow), or from Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill Vols.1 & 2 (he was Uma Thurmond’s baby daddy), or most recently he played the wise, quasi-Oriental, advice-giver in the commercials. His death has been attributed to accidental suffocation, presumably during a sex act referred to as auto erotic asphyxiation. The speculated circumstances surrounding Carradine’s demise got me thinking – What the fuck is wrong with Rich People? I mean, the beauty of fucking is that the act itself is Fabulous… as it is! Without gimmicks, without equipment, without frills, sex is a kick-ass way to pass the time. Millions of teenaged boys & porn connoisseurs will attest to the fact that good ol’ fashioned jerking off is mighty pleasurable as well. So, why is it that Rich Folk are always getting caught up in some ridiculous unnecessary (albeit hilarious) sex acts? Isn’t the regular shit good enough for these freaks? Have they become so detached from the reality the rest of us inhabit that they no longer enjoy sexual activity like normal people? Don’t get me wrong, I am no vanilla advocate! It’s just that strangling yourself to increase the pleasure of a self-induced orgasm seems fucking retarded & I’ve never heard of anyone from the lower ranks of the economic totem pole doing such a thing. Appears to be strictly Rich-ard’s thing. Along the same vein, those freaky Real Dolls cost thousands of dollars so us po’ folk ain’t the ones fucking life-sized Barbie dolls! That’s all Rich-ard, once again. Then you have celebrities & politicians that can pull any hoe at the bar, just by name dropping, but they opt for high priced call girls instead because the regular means of bedding a broad are apparently passé in elite circles. What is going on in the bedrooms of the Rich and Famous these days? Maybe I don’t really want to know…

Another indication of the widespread mental defects afflicting America’s celebrities is their apparent ignorance to economic realities. Normal people, those not deemed sociopaths or self-absorbed assholes, generally understand that every action causes an equal & opposite reaction, i.e. when one person rakes in 20 – 30 million dollars a year, there are thousands of others that are fucked by a lack of funds. Celebrities, who’s various contributions to this country hardly justify their absurd incomes (I don’t care how good the movie was, no actor is worth millions per performance!), flock to Southern California and New York but they appear to be unaware of the poverty surrounding them. As if Poor People are merely part of the scenery, rather than fellow human beings, & instead of recognizing the Give-and-Take that boosts them up the financial ladder, many celebrities seem to believe they have earned their fortunes in their own right! What ever happened to the Socialist vein that used to run through Hollywood? The McCarthy era must have successfully purged the region of socially sympathetic economic philosophies, because their ain’t no mo’ love for the Broke Ones in the upper classes. Unless, of course, Rich Folks are adopting our culture for fashion purposes (see the Trucker Hat for one such example) or literally adopting children from Third World nations. Then poverty is tres chic! Maybe rich people really can’t empathize with the state of America’s masses & they aren’t just willfully ignoring economic stratification like selfish bastards. If that is the case, our homegrown Rich Folks have become psychopaths (y’know that’s the term applied to people that behave in an indulgent manner without regard to the rights & well being of others). Their mental psychosis maybe worse than I initially thought!

Finally, the Celebu-royalty of this country shows clear signs of mental instability when it comes to it’s women-folk. It’s possible that the Rich-ginas have evolved into a superior version of Woman that no longer has a need for the curves associated with the human female, but I seriously doubt it. Looking at the starlets on the pages of Cosmo or People Magazine reveals a startling lack of breasts. Are there no D-Cups in Hollywood? And why do so many of these women have the figures of ten year old boys in their designer gowns? Why can I see so many collar bones & rib cages? Can you no longer use American currency to purchase food in Hollywood? When gossip rags deem the actress in a size 10 a “Plus Size” woman, there is something terribly wrong. Certainly the starvation, the rigid exercise regimens, the elective surgeries, and the chorus of famous women claiming to “eat all the time!” despite evidence to the contrary indicates some serious psychological problems brewing amongst the nation’s Privileged Classes, no?

America! Consider this your call to action! Our Rich-ards and Rich-ginas need your support! If they are ever expected to fuck like normal breathing people or acknowledge their shared interest in the greater good or enjoy the life-giving effects of food you allow yourself to digest, we must lend our hands & aid them in their time of need. Perhaps, we can push for adjustments in income tax rates for the wealthiest Americans? Take a little of that green off their hands & relieve the pressure their burdened by, while refilling our empty state coffers! Win-Win, right? Or maybe we can give our celebrities a break from fame by NOT watching all that reality television garbage or reading those gossip magazines or tuning in to EXTRA! or Access Hollywood! There’s an idea…

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