It’s been awhile since my last rant about Things I Hate, so I thought I’d revive the tradition with a list that is chock full o’ my trademark pessimism. I’d hate for my Readers to think I’d gone soft!
STUFF I CURRENTLY LOATHE (in no particular order)
- Drunk douche-bags that expose me to their shitty rap styling's over west coast hits from the late 90’s. It seems like every time I’m hanging out, enjoying my buzz, these fuckers come out of the woodwork. The second Tupac, Too Short, E-40, Snoop, or Dr. Dre comes out the speakers, a huddle of jackasses forms & they start spewing their generic flows & congratulating each other on their pathetic attempts to emulate actual artists. At best, these stupid displays are mediocre re-hashes of lines we’ve all heard before & at worse, they are just a bunch of “I don’t give a fuck, though”s and “I don’t love a hoe”s without any rhyme or reason to the crap stumbling out of their mouths. I actually love hip-hop & have mad respect for clever wordplay, so it pains me to hear these idiots. For the love the Westside and everything that is the shiz-nit, don’t become one of them.
- Women’s pant sizes. They vary depending on the store you buy them in, the company that makes them, and the style of the pant itself. It would be nice to have a universal go-to size for all pant purchases, but apparently that makes too much sense for the fashion Powers That Be. Instead, they’d rather keep us uncertain of our all-too-important measurements and make us waste countless hours in dressing rooms, trying on three different sizes of each pant we might consider purchasing. And what the fuck is a size 00?
- Being subjected to crap from creepy old dudes whenever I go outside unaccompanied. Whether I am riding my bike or walking down the street, even if I am reading a book or listening to my mp3 player, male passer-bys old enough to be my father (or grandfather) feel the need to spout off bullshit that makes me uncomfortable & definitely un-flattered. “Hey Beautiful!”, “Where are you headed, Pretty Lil’ Thang?”, “Smile, Baby Doll!”. This shit coming out of the mouths of men that have no chance in hell of actually hittin’ this because they’re 50+ years old, obviously junkies or crack fiends, overweight scuzz-balls… just pisses me off. Depending on the setting, I might flip them The Bird or tell them to “fuck off”, but this is not always possible since most men can pose a threat to my health. In the interest of self preservation, I sometimes have to swallow my pride, continue down the road, & ignore it when he inevitably calls me a ‘bitch’ for not responding to his commentary. Fuck those pervy geezers for making me (and every other female) deal with that shit.
- The entire American Pie series. The movies are fucking retarded, lowest common denominator, predictable swill & the next dipshit that suggests I watch any of them because they are “hella funny” is going to get a bitch slap. And a few Netflix suggestions.
- Feminist stereotypes. It is stupid to assume feminists are all ugly, hairy, man-hating, bra-burning, humorless lesbians. Heterosexual women have to deal with male misogynistic bullshit on a much more personal level than do lesbians (since we fuck them, date them, and fall in love with them), so we tend to have a vivid understanding of how fucked the patriarchy is (which nurtures our feminist ideologies). The “ugly” and “hairy” stereotypes imply that feminists are just angry because they can’t bed a man. This is retarded when one considers just how easy it is to pull a guy. Even the ugliest and hairiest lady can score! Propagators of that myth have obviously never fucked a feminist because sex is much more fun when the girl doesn’t hate herself or her pussy. As for “humorless”, it should be expected that women won’t be amused by rape or spousal abuse jokes. If that means we lack humor, so be it. Next time a dude doesn’t understand why I’m not laughing at one of those “jokes”, I’ll just throw down some of my best graphic Anal Rape/Castration comedy.
- Menial jobs that pay crappy wages, yet require a pre-employment drug test or credit check. Unless you’re flying a jumbo jet or patrolling the streets as a copper or operating heavy machinery, there is no reason why an employer should expect you to prove your sobriety. Reduce accidents? Increase productivity? Don’t hire idiots! A credit check is acceptable if you work with highly sensitive information that you might be persuaded to sell to the highest bidder (government intelligence, product development, etc.). The only other time it’s acceptable is if the employer presents you with copies of the company’s financial records (including their personal tax records & such), so that you can accurately assess their fiscal stability. Honestly, folks, a drug-life lifestyle and decent credit doesn’t say shit about whether or not a person can man the Drive-Thru window or operate the FAX machine. Don’t believe the hype.
- European history from the fall of Rome until the French Revolution, roughly 500 c.e. to 1790 c.e. It’s downright boring shit & you can trust me on this because I am a self-professed history nerd. Basically, all of Europe is ruled by various regents (Kings, Queens, Emperors, or whatever other self-important title a ruler goes by) that fight a bunch of politically-motivated wars under the guise of religion (The Thirty Years War, The Eighty Years War, the English Civil War… what boring as names even!). The monarchs terrorize the population with some of history’s biggest dick moves (the Cromwellian conquest of Ireland, the Spanish Inquisition, witchcraft trials) and the people of mainland Europe pretty much gave up on original thought or scholarship for hundreds of years (hence, “The Dark Ages”). I despise glorification of this era in history, so it goes without saying that I hate Renaissance Fairs.
- The Socialist boogeyman that the news keeps trying to make me scared of. Frankly, I don’t see the problem with expecting the government to provide for the people. We are subject to the laws and taxes of this land but we aren’t supposed to expect healthcare or housing or consumer protection or affordable higher education… what the fuck is that all about? These idiots on the nightly news keep using terms like “Marxist” and “Socialist” whenever they talk about programs of social uplift, as if maintaining a decent standard of living for the masses will turn the U.S. into an oppressive Communist regime overnight. Funny how they never describe the war effort as “Imperialist” or the decimation of civil rights as “Fascist”. I guess there are only certain “–ist” words that are acceptable for public consumption.
- Restrooms at men’s houses. Do you guys just pee anywhere you like? No access to Scrubbing Bubbles? A little Comet, Ajax, Bleach, fucking Gasoline if you must? I don’t known about y’all, but I end up face-first in my toilet enough to require regular cleaning. Where do y’all puke when you’ve drank too much? Please don’t say it’s in your crap-laden, ring-around-the-bowl havin’, disgusting, bio-hazard johns. Ew.