A few days ago, I tried to write about things I am thankful for, in honor of the season, y’know? Everything I came up with sounded contrived and unnaturally optimistic, which is not my style. Unless I am under the influence of some recreational drug or post-coital high, I am never “optimistic”. Especially during the holiday season. So, I waited until half the bottle of Jack was pulsating ‘round my bod before attempting this here list. Alcohol induced honesty is more like me. Don’t cha’ think?
* Booze: Duh. If it weren’t for the drink, I might not ever be ready for public consumption. The hangovers & bruises are a small price to pay for the temporary relaxation and carefree mind state, in my opinion.
* Men: They are interesting & confusing creatures that make this life entertaining. I still think I’m smarter than most, but what’s wrong with that? After all, if I were responsible for the hunting that Early Man did, we’d starved before we thought about leaving Africa.
* Tampons: Remember when you had to use pads? No further explanation necessary.
* My Literacy: If I couldn’t read as well as I do, I’d probably be talking to myself much more often. As it is, I’m sick of hearing the shit that comes out of my mouth.
* Elaine: I miss my favorite blond pothead. When we perfect cloning humans, it’ll be advantageous to the species to duplicate Ms. Austin.
* It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Quite possibly The Funniest Show on TV. If you don’t get it after watching one episode, just view a couple more & the plots will make much more sense. God, Mac is a hottie.
* Homemade Tamales: I bought a shit-load off of a co-worker’s wife & the corn husk-chicken-lard-y gooddess has renewed my efforts to get adopted by a Mexican Grandmother. I want to get bags of tamales annually & be called Mi’ja by the familia. Us White Folk just don’t have an equivalent term of endearment!
* Indoor Plumbing & Toilet Paper: Just think what your existence would be like without these two aspects of civilized society… Fucking nasty, dude.