Breaking Up Is Hard To Do But For God Sakes, Dude, Quit Whining!

One of my Go To Complaints about the male species is their inability to take emotional trauma in stride. Pretty much any straight guy over the age of 23 has some tale of heartbreak, that One Girl that did them dirty, & dudes refuse to get the fuck over it. Aside from a small hand full of men that are Don Juans or terminal playboys, it seems that they all are damaged goods (to one degree or another).

Guys will carry a torch for their first love well past it’s expiration date & they swear that they are “over her” or they “fucking hate that bitch”, but catch them on one of those good nostalgic drunk evenings & they spill their guts about how they still love her & yadda-yadda. Trust me on this one: there are few things more pathetically heart-wrenching than watching a full grown bloke whimper about his long-lost lover. Witnessing that shit makes you buy into the whole dramatic storyline that this villainess shattered his heart, to no fault of his own, just because she wanted to hurt the poor boy. All you can say in response to his tale of woe is “What a bitch!”

If the afflicted male isn’t the cry-baby type, his first heartbreak might manifest itself as a fear of commitment, the belief that all women are vile & predatory, or the adoption of a “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes & tricks” mentality. None of these outcomes are desirable, since the rest of us females that eventually hang out with, date, or otherwise interact with these emotional cripples have to deal with bullshit we didn’t even cause! Can I get an Amen, sisters?

This is not to say that women never cling to the edifice of a failed relationship or over-dramatize a break-up to epic proportions (I’ve been guilty of that shit before), but it seems to me that women are better at healing their broken hearts & getting on with their lives than men are. Or at least, we’re quicker. I have loved & lost; I’ve been cheated on & been driven to cheating myself; I’ve been publically embarrassed & shamed by a lover; I’ve even lost friends, homes, possessions, and dignity in the process. BUT I haven’t condemned the entire male species for the actions of one (or two) bastards! Maybe I’m an optimist or maybe I’ve taken a healthy approach to heartache & dealt with it, rather than carrying my romantic failings around with me for all eternity. For you male Readers out there in Internet Land, let me explain how that works:

1. Initially, heartbreak fucking hurts & it’s supposed to. Grieve, cry, sulk, MySpace stalk, drive-by her house at odd hours, get piss-ass wasted & drunk dial all you want in the early stages of a break-up. This is totally acceptable behavior for the first couple months. Feel it, Dude.

2. Rid your home of pictures, sentimental items, and mutually acquired possessions. Box ‘um up & hide ‘um away, if you can’t bring yourself to toss the shit out. If you cannot discuss a particular item in your home without mentioning Her, it should be removed from your sight.

3. Divvy up mutual friends. It sucks but everyone eventually has to pick a side. Especially if it’s a messy break-up.

4. DO NOT JUMP INTO A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE ELSE IMMEDIATELY, just to dull the pain. Fuck people, Yes! Whore about town all you want! But do not get serious for awhile. It’s not fair to the new girl, you won’t get rid of the baggage from your previous entanglement, & it’s just a Bad Idea.

5. Do your best to acknowledge mistakes you made, because it’s the only way you can improve yourself & avoid a string of Groundhog’s Day relationships. Owning up to your faults is therapeutic & it will keep you from habitually calling your ex a “crazy bitch”. Women are totally turned off by a guy that only has evil shit to say about his former girlfriends. And, it is partially your fault, believe it or not! Even if she fucked her way across the U.S.A. like she was a porn-version of Lewis and Clark, there is something that you could have done better too! 

6. TALK. Find a sympathetic ear & use it ASAP. Sort the shit out with a mate & you won’t feel the need to bring it up in a drunken rant to a stranger later on.

7. Don’t buy into that bullshit about there only being one person out there for you. That “Meant to be”, “Love of my Life” baloney belongs in Hollywood chick-flicks & in fairy tales. Do you realize how many people are out there? Way too many to believe One Love is all we are granted in this life! If you’re lucky, there will be several.

8. If you really were dating a horrible bitch, re-think the type of skirts you’ve been chasing. Don’t fawn over the high maintenance bitches, the slutty bar flies, the physically violent fire crackers, or whatever your poison maybe. Variety is the spice of life, you know?

9. Remember that re-telling your break up story to every female you attempt to bed is not a good pimpin’ strategy. Girls talk & that kind of shit might get back to your ex. You will boost her ego & make yourself look like an ass.. PLUS you probably won’t get laid to boot!

10. Do whatever you have to do to get over it. Really get over it, not just avoid talking about it! Pretending it never happened isn’t healthy, neither is re-living your heartache every time a girl talks to you. Process the pain, evaluate the situation, heal the wounds & move the fuck on. On behalf of the Single Women of the World, I am begging you.