There are few things that make me sadder than discovering my current boy is a clumsy, awful lay. All the great qualities and desirable traits in the world can’t make up for faulty technique in the bedroom. It really is tragic, folks. Especially since the male ego’s fragile nature is well known in straight girl circles, so all too often shitty lovers are let off the hook by female after female because none of us have the guts to crush his self-esteem by telling him how terrible he actually is. I’ll even admit that I am guilty of faking it, just to wrap things up, then shit talking with friends instead of peeping dude up on game. I haven’t got the time or the will to train a guy! So, until now, I’ve been throwing the dunces back into the pile like everyone else; shirking my responsibility to better the sex-scape for everyone, like a lazy bastard. I guess I deserved my recent run-in with a faulty fling! In an effort to improve my carnal karma, I’ve compiled a list of the most common qualms us gals have with lousy lovers with the hope that some clueless guy might use the heads up to step up his game. Another possibility is the list is read by the chick that clueless dude’s been fucking (badly) and she is inspired to seek greener pastures. If this is the case, Dear Reader, would you mind tagging that man before setting him loose in the wild? Y’know, so the rest of us can easily identify & avoid him? With all the pornography available to & made for straight guys, considering the fact that our society is geared towards fulfilling male fantasies, and taking into account the fact that men have been thinking about little more than sex since they were adolescents… I have no sympathy for men that are useless in bed. They’ve had every opportunity to figure it out & if they’ve made it to this point in adulthood without the necessary skills, that is hardly my fault. Or my responsibility to rectify. Anyhow, I’m not teaching class here; just pointing out the misspelled words. So, here they are, off the top of my head…
The Sex-Related Shit Straight Men Ought to Know By Now
1. The clitoris is not a dick. Do not approach her as such.
2. Trimming your pubes is not metro-sexual. It’s a prerequisite to getting sexual.
3. If all of her clothes are off, yours should be too. Unless it is a quickie-type situation (in which case, partial undress is acceptable & kinda hot). Men that keep their shirts on are obviously unaware of the fact that straight females find torsos attractive. Men that keep their pants partially on are obviously used to post-coital fast get-aways & that can’t be good (unless your husband is expected home soon). Keeping socks on is alright, but unattractive. As a rule: if you didn’t have enough time to remove your clothes before the deed was done, you didn’t get her off.
4. You need seduction skills (Super Mad Game, even!) and a clear green light from her to go anywhere near the ass. Do not talk about anal sex in terms that suggest pain, idiots. I know pornos would have you believe that women are just dying to have their asses “pounded” or what not, but scary anal sex scenes are exactly why us chicks avoid watching porn! Think about getting fucked in your ass & consider the delicate nature of the situation prior to opening your mouth with regards to the subject.
5. Unless you are told otherwise by your partner or the situation is unavoidable, do not ejaculate on her. It’s common courtesy. Especially when a shower afterwards is not an option. Are you cool running around sporting jizz on your person? If not, assume that she feels the same. If so, all I can say is “ew. gross.”
6. I don’t know how small breasted women feel about this, but us ample chested ladies are not OK with you biting our tits. It’s not pleasurable, it’s not attractive, and it’s not nice. I have hauled off and punched a dude for pulling that shit.
7. Learn to give decent face or don’t even bother. I’ve known plenty of ladies that were turned off to the entire practice, because one dude was so embarrassingly awful that he fucked it up for everyone else. If she tells you she doesn’t even like oral after you have just gone down on her, you are that embarrassingly awful guy. For shame.
8. We do not take it as a compliment when you come too fast. Once in awhile is understood, but you better have a back-up plan. When you pull a Quick Draw McGraw, we are left with the female equivalent of Blue Balls and we start thinking all kinds of mean shit about you. Don’t let the smile & the “It’s OK, Really!” fool you.
9. There is a fine line between men that watch enough porn and men that watch way too much. We can tell the difference, btw. A man that watches enough porn is interesting and fun in bed. A man that watches too much is the sexual equivalent of a Dungeons and Dragons nerd. Don’t let this be you!
10. Lovemaking that results in bite marks, scratches, welts, rug burns, hickies, bruising, or other visible markings had better be hot. If the tell-tale signs of doing the nasty can be seen when she’s in her work uniform & she’s already applied all the concealer that she can, the sex had better have been phenomenal. Trust me, you have better things to do than suck on her neck.
Thank you for listening. Now, let me turn over the floor to Tastiskank for our final remarks on the subject: